My daughter, 10, is smart, funny, amazingly aware and in some ways, just like me. Yet in other ways, she's a carbon copy of her father. Her awareness of where she is and of other people, is acute and she can see logic in many situations. She will often ask me why I'm not doing a certain thing this way or that. She sees solutions quickly and it puzzles her why I don't. She takes interest in how things are done and how they are made and asks all the right questions. She reminds me of her dad in so many ways and sometimes, even though she is a child and my beautiful, beloved daughter, that's a little hard to cope with.
When she's upset with me is the time I notice it the most. A look and a word or gesture is all it takes for me to swing from 'mother' to 'emotional basket-case'. It happened today and I didn't like it and couldn't seem to change it. She's growing up, starting to push the boundaries a little. Normal 'tween' angst, I suppose. If I ask her to do something, I expect it to be done, but that doesn't mean she co-operates or does it quietly. So I use a firm voice. It makes her more angry and she starts to act in ways that remind me of ex, and that pushes my buttons. She makes me feel as if I've done something wrong, though I'm sure I haven't. Even though I know she's not aware of what she's doing, I take her actions personally. I know I shouldn't, but I do. All my insecurities rush to the surface and I am seething at her and pleading with her to talk to me, all at the same time. It's not good. My fears surface next and I am faced with a bombardment of questions that I have no answers for. What if I'm screwing her up? Am I handling this the right way? Maybe I should have done something different. If it's like this now, imagine what it's going to be like when she's older.
She says she can't tell me things, even though I've told her again and again, that I can hear anything she needs to say. I fear that I'm doing something that I'm not even aware of, that is shutting her down. I don't know what that is. And then of course, maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe if I just stood my ground as a mother, she would get over it and it would be OK. But I can't stand it when we're not OK. Almost by compulsion, I am driven to make things right between us before I leave the room. I can't bring myself to get up and give her time to get over it. I don't like it when I know she's upset and she's alone. I'm scared that if I do, things will never be resolved and it be brushed aside, only to resurface later as resentment and anger. Just like I did with ex.
I ask myself, is this what ex went through? Can I really be doing to her, what I did to him (in his eyes), even though the relationship is of a different nature? I worked for someone once who said "you take yourself everywhere you go" and I think it's true. If you have the same experience with different people, then you need to look at yourself. But I've looked at myself more times than I care to count and for the most part, I like what I see. But I don't like this. I don't like this desperate, insecure mother who feels that she is screwing up her daughter but doesn't even know where she is going wrong. Nope, don't like it at all.
If there's one good thing though, it's that we get over this sort of thing fairly quickly and go back to our normal, positive relationship. Our relationship is mostly based on "she needs me and I am there for her". Most of her life is taken up with school and homework and I am there for her every step of the way. I think that it's not her fault she has to go to such a demanding school, so I help her in ways that I think I should. I help her get her homework done, I test her when she needs it, I get her help and tuition when she needs it, she has all the equipment she needs and her stuff is good quality, not the cheap crap that breaks the minute it's used. And I keep her focussed and positive because she needs to be, to be able to cope. We both do.
I hope that in the future, when she's older, that she will see the positive in our relationship, not just the negative. It's baggage, I know, the fear that she will only see one aspect of our relationship, as her father has done. Only time will tell and I will deal with it when it comes up. I will need to be sure of myself though, not insecure and desperate, so that she sees strength and confidence in her mother.
To my daughter ( and I have said something similar to her before), I would like to say that I'm glad we 'get' each other. It's so precious, this connection with you that seems so strong, we can almost read each other's mind. I get you and you astound me with how often you know what I'm thinking. I just love it that we make each other laugh, really laugh. You're the one person on the planet who's sense of humour mirrors mine. This is good, being on the same page as each other and I know that when we're driving each other nuts, it will be this bond that brings us back together.
In the meantime, please know that I'm trying my best. I know that sometimes I falter, but I'm giving you everything I can. One day, we'll talk and it will all make sense. But for now, lets just look forward and enjoy today.
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