Nothing really, well yes, everything. Everything and nothing. And ex has noticed that I'm a bit dark and distracted lately.
So what's wrong?
My back hurts, my hands are itchy again. I had a really bad attack last night after I accidentally splashed some water from the Japanese egg tofu on my hands. Now they're itching and prickling and driving me crazy, even though I've used the steroid cream and anti-histamine.
But that not the worst of it is it?
No, it's nothing really bad though, but my mind won't stop thinking about this whole mess and how I just can't seem to stand up for myself. By staying silent, I'm not being true to myself and I'm letting myself down. These things are riding on my conscience and I feel so weak for not being able to bring them up with him. This is important stuff and needs to be addressed but I can't bring myself to rock the boat.
So what things do you need to rock the boat about?
Well, the usual. The main one at the moment is the finances. The good bit is that he got a royalty payment today so we're a bit better off than I thought.
BUT
The credit card's approaching it's maximum limit - not yet, but nearly - and I want to know what happens when there's no more money. I mean, once that's finished, that's it, there is no more. No more to money to pay the credit card, no more money to do anything really, except pay the rent and buy food.
All this, and he still wants to buy me an iPad. I mean, for god's sake, what is he thinking? How can he possibly consider buying a thing like that when the finances are so low. And this is on my conscience too. How can I agree for him to buy me this thing when I know he's in debt. Should I just let his decision take him where it will (into more debt) or should I stand up and say, NO, I don't want it.
It's funny, he thinks this is a good thing to give me, supposedly for my birthday. If he could give me the perfect gift it would be this - sit down with me for an hour or two, make me a cup of tea and then sit with me and LISTEN to what I have to say - without judgement, preconceptions, assumptions and bullshit. Listen like you care what's going to happen. Listen like my opinion is important because I know what's best for the kids too. Listen like I meant something to you once. Listen as if you've never heard me speak before. Don't solve the problem, don't come up with a 10 point plan. And definitely don't talk to me about how I'm speaking to you and what I do when I speak to you. JUST LISTEN and treat me normally, because despite what you think, I DO NOT have a personality disorder.
THAT would be a good present. That would be priceless, and yet cost him nothing.
It's ridiculous that after all this time, this is what I still want from him. It's what I've always wanted from him - that and to be validated. The elusive gift that he cannot or will not give.
Uggh, I'm so tired. I'm going to say something on the weekend. Somehow I will bring it up. I almost did tonight, but again backed out. I'm going to have to because this thing is driving me crazy. I owe it to myself and my mental health to talk about this little issue. Who knows, maybe he's got a plan - I hope he does, really I do because I don't want things to implode on this issue and I want things to work out for him.
But I've got to sleep now. It's another early morning tomorrow and I'm tired. Even though I slept plenty, I'm still so tired, probably from this thing weighing me down.
This will pass, but not smoothly (or it might, who knows).
Good night.
2 comments:
What we have here is another well written blog entry.
Yes that great line from Cool Hand Luke “what we have is a failure to communicate”.
Jo you are correct it is up to you, not me or someone else that visits this blog.
Have you said it and summed it up in this one sentence?.......I quote.
I owe it to myself and my mental health to talk about this little issue.
You then said.......I quote
Listen like I meant something to you once. Listen as if you've never heard me speak before.
Is that is a cry for recognition?
And then there was this very quotable GEM.
Don't solve the problem, don't come up with a 10 point plan. And definitely don't talk to me about how I'm speaking to you and what I do when I speak to you. JUST LISTEN and treat me normally, because despite what you think, I DO NOT have a personality disorder.
While I am not a doctor we do note that your "personality disorder" disappears when you are home.
• When do you do without Xanax and enjoy extra smiles?
• A good hearty laugh and you rediscover a more gregarious personality than when you are?
While you have seen the end of your agreed commitment as the end of the year is drawing closer had “J” acknowledged it?
Will things will be getting more awkward and things need resolution including the finances.
So the time has come Jo, do YOU need to do something even if it is book in with “J” a ten point plan for what you require?
Note all these thoughts were ever so cleverly disguised as questions so I think I did reasonably well.
Best wishes to all.
PS I was talking about the original blog entry when I referred to the “well written one” NOT mine. When I read what I had written I was concerned that it may be misunderstood / misread or mis something. Fancy a Scorpio being so sensitive!
Jo as I said in the earlier post I think you summed up your issues really well.
Having said that I thought I would do a “J” and blog some statements for consideration without petty attempts to disguise them as questions.
• I think you should resolve at least some of the issues you raised NOW and allow yourself clarification, you need to know the direction you are taking not just between now and Christmas but with your life. Yes your life does include the children and the issues with “J”.
As I see it (and previously warned of it) "J" will no longer now see his original "two year request" as "cast in concrete" and that the whole arrangement that you had agreed to, and have committed to, will suddenly after two years have become so flexible that there will now be nothing tangible remaining at all.
Whether you decide to stay or return with the children is something only you can decide but I still think it should be based on some tangible facts.
When I reread your blog post and thought about what you wrote on your "mental health" I realised too late that an emotional state is not in your case some incurable mental health issue.
Your emotional state is predominantly cured when living in the State of Victoria after a few weeks.
Now here are some statements not questions…
1. ”You have been incorrectly blamed by “J” for what he perceives as his lack of success”.
2. If you decide to move back here it will not be without some regret and tears because it would be a huge upheaval, it will be awkward also with the children. If you stay I believe it must be under a dramatic improvement in the family situation. That change MUST tangible, substantial and only with your input.
3. “He will be planning to alter his original “request” that you stay for the two years. To do this may mean an offering of a PS1, PS2, PC, DS or some other pair of letters however you can obtain the whole alphabet here in Australia. You need to change your life style there to be happier and I am not sure how that can be achieved either scholastically for the children, emotionally for the family or financially.
4. Living there almost "hand to mouth financially while "J" finds himself" would make life difficult and you are correct I believe in wanting this issue clarified.
Again whether you stay or go I think is very obviously up to you but if the worst possible financial situation occurs and you need to return here with the children there are options!
I would be most interested to know what others think.
Here is another statement ……..sincere best wishes to all.
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