Angst!

It's been a very ordinary week. For the first time in ages, I got very close to melting down in a big way.

It's not just the financial status. That issue actually improved this week with the arrival of a royalty payment which has given us some breathing space. Our finances though, could be a pure figment of my imagination. I don't know anything about what he's doing for work, so I can't even predict what he might be earning. He always gives me money for shopping and other expenses so my fees are essentially mine. Even though he's drawing down on the credit card, maybe he's just using it and not planning to pay it back. The thing is, I don't know. All I have is the stupid speculation that's running around in my head. I tried to bring up the iPad thing, but no, he just got annoyed and asked me why couldn't I just enjoy it. It's OK he said, I've got the money. Fine then, order the fucken thing. We did. He was chuffed it was cheaper than the Australian version. The thing that really gets me is there was no choice for me, even though he said there was, about whether I wanted it or not. I've tried to dissuade him a couple of times, and he just insists. So it's not about what I want, it's about what he thinks I want or what he wants for me.

Which brings me to the next maddening issue. I was at my girlfriends the other day and she wanted to change some furniture around in a room. So we moved the bed around but her husband came in and as soon as he saw it, he started to talk about why it couldn't possibly go there. Throughout the whole building of their house he has ruled, not giving her opinion any sort of validation, just saying it's fine, don't worry but also not giving any explanation as to why she shouldn't be concerned. When you're spending 100+K on renovations and furniture and the like, someone has to keep track. He doesn't, she does and he's had a history of being in debt. I felt for her, and was quite mad at him probably because it paralleled my own experience so closely. I don't know if it's a cultural thing or a man-woman-mars-venus kinda thing but in this culture, a woman's opinion seems to mean next to nothing. So many times I've tried to say what I think and he just thinks I'm trying to go against him. Then he wonders why I can't make decisions. How can you make decisions when the person closest to you is always second-guessing you, wondering why you didn't do something this way instead of that way.

I remember one time ex's brother (who is 10 times as intense as ex) said well, we tell you how to do it because we think it might be a better way, and it always is so we're right. He summed it right up, in one sentence. Men are always right and what suits him has to suit everyone. Control freak!

Later. Gotta go do the sunday lunch routine with ex and kids and tonight we are going out to bring the kids to a fun park which is in town for a while. Daughter is meeting her friends there and we're following behind at a safe distance. I think I'll bring xanax along though, just in case, because the way I've been feeling, any little thing could set me off.

Cheers