Technology's a bitch, maybe my expectations are too high.

Arrgh, I've got a mess in my head, but these days it doesn't take much. My technology isn't working and I can't fix it myself and I get so impatient.

The iPad is great but it's most useful when it is connected to the internet and my internet is not great at the moment, so neither is the 'Pad. While I'm typing happily on my pc, the stupid thing is working in some parts and not others. Why isn't it connecting to the apps store when it can load the newspaper? Why is Flipboard not loading pages but giving me scraps of information? Why can't I password protect the Notes and Gmail apps so I can write but keep it hidden from the three other people who use this thing?

When it's working properly, I can download apps that will let me slash fruit to my hearts desire, launch Angry birds at other bird cages to free them, pat and play with 3 virtual pets and tap a bunch of frogs. ???

Why did I want this thing? Well actually I didn't but you know the story behind that. Now that I have it I just need to make it useful. And that will probably take some time. But that's another story.

The worst thing today is MY PHONE IS BROKEN!!!
I can hear people but they can't hear me. Trouble is, I don't know how to fix these things. I've asked ex if he can look at it tonight because during the last few months, he's turned into Mr Handyman as a way to help himself out of his funk and to learn new skills. I hope he can reattach the mic or whatever because I love my phone. I've had it since 2007 and it's never let me down. I don't want to buy a new one since this one is just right for me and I know it well.

But anyhow, I'm just having a bitch.

"The plan" is going OK. I'm acting happy and it's having a positive affect on ex. Since the fight, we've both been 'happy' - it's like the fights never happened - bizarro. He's being accomodating and I've been able to match that. Today he has the car which I offered to him because son is home sick and I couldn't go anywhere anyway. When he's here I swan around smiling, cooking, doing domestic, taking his 'advice' to do things better/differently in my stride - I've never been good at that and he (understandably) takes it personally.

We had an interesting conversation yesterday night about expectations and so forth. He's learning that just because you expect something of someone, doesn't mean you'll always get it. People are not always going to do what you expect of them and you have to let that go. He's trying to be more patient with the kids, especially his son who is about as far away from what ex expects that you can get. He's learning to tolerate the faults of others and change his reaction from one of stress to one of letting go. Good for him, though I wish he'd learned this long ago.

He talked about standards - how far can you go in setting standards for other people. Of course it depends on how close they are to you. What are the deal breakers for a relationship - I obviously had a number of things he couldn't tolerate any more. Cutting him off during a conversation, making it all about me, not giving back in the way he expected etc, were things that for him, became intolerable because he never felt appreciated or heard. One of the biggest things for him was my resistance to change - if he wanted to make something better, I'd fight him over it because I didn't think change was necessary or didn't want it, so we'd argue over things like losing car keys, switching off the lights - stupid things that never should have become an issue. Of course, this is a very small part of the big picture of what happened and really, I don't care anymore because it's confusing and demoralising to think about it.

While we were talking though, I felt a sense of awareness come over me. I had to really concentrate on what he was saying in order not to cut him off to turn the conversation around to what I thought about an issue. And this is part of the plan - to talk with him but give him space to speak so that he at least gets whatever it is, out into the open. He's often accused me of 'cutting him down' and he never felt like he could have the space to speak his mind, so I really made an effort of just letting him speak. After he'd finished, he went off to his room. There was no option to voice my opinion which normally, would be awful, but I know by now that mine doesn't really count so I don't expect to be able to voice it - because then I'd be cutting him off.

That brings us back to expectations - don't raise your expectations and you won't get disappointed.

I didn't and I wasn't.

So be it.