He said I could fight for it. Stated it outright that he knows I will fight for what I want, not because I think it's in the kids best interests, but just because I want what I want. It was almost like a dare. I hate dares. They're scary.
I usually back down in cases like this - a dare is like a warning - you do this and I'll do that. He said if I do that he will tell the kids the truth - what this exactly is I don't quite know. Probably it will be something along the lines of me being selfish and wanting what I want without further consideration for the needs of others - because that's how selfish I am!
At the moment, the plan is to fight. My doctor called it 'psychological warfare' - a mind game between ex and me which I must win if I am to give my kids the education they deserve - the education that anyone else would jump miles for.
As the first part of my plan to get stronger, fitter and be better prepared, I went to see my doctor today. Multivitamins, double strength anti-histamine (the allergy in my hands has been triggered by stress and leaves me unable to sleep) and of course, some xanax.
My second step was to start some exercise, but in my eagerness, I failed to realise that my mind is stronger than my extremely unfit body and I promptly pulled a calf muscle while doing some 'at-home cardio'. So I hauled myself and the kids off to the pool instead and did some swimming. TICK.
Step three: Establish an objective.
BRING THE KIDS HOME
This was done in conjunction with my lovely doctor who is no longer ex's doctor. The doc said that ex hasn't been to see him in some time and the reason was that the doctor KNOWS him and can strip him bare - ie ex can't play mind games with the dr. A more simple explanation would be that the doctor doesn't agree with what ex wants and so he went a found someone who would. Whatever the reason, the doctor whole-heartedly agreed with me that the kids would be better off getting an education in their home country. He said I must stay focussed on only one thing, a single, simple objective: BRING THE KIDS HOME. He said it over a few times, looking at me intently so I got the message and even made me repeat it. I think I can safely add him to the list of people on TEAM-JO.
Step 4: Commit to gathering resources.
I will no longer be using my fees as part of the grocery money. Instead I will keep them to myself and save for whatever it is that I need. I will ask him for whatever money I need. In one month, I can save about RM 800. At the end of the year, it won't be that much, but it will be something if I need to get tickets or whatever else.
Step 5: Act it out
I won't be of use to anyone, let alone myself if I stay angry and stressed. Yesterday ex did a really good job of playing the happy dad and I met him at his standard. I acted happy and ex responded with equal amounts of chipperness. Despite the appalling weekend, we were 'happy families' once again which allowed us both to interact on a civil level.
Step 6:
Keep a record of the things ex says and does, which are strange, threatening, reasonable or just plain odd.
Number 1 on the list here is the 'notepad incident'. He wrote KIM!! Don't fuck with my family! When I confronted him about it, he first got angry that I'd read it (he'd left it in plain sight) and then said he hadn't even thought about it since he'd written it down! Huh! To me it looked like he meant to call her and tell her to stay the fuck out of our family business, but according to him, no it was just a note he'd written to himself. OK then.
I feel like I'm planning conspiracies here and I feel a little guilty about not having any faith that he'll do the right thing. But I'm sick of it. He's not proving himself to be reliable. His ideas and wants are fluid according to how good he is feeling and I can't afford to 'go with the flow' as it were. I need something solid to stand on so I must construct it myself.
Hence, the plan. If he knew and he was on my side, he'd be proud. He was always saying I should plan things.
And now I am.
So that's the progress so far.
4 comments:
This sounds like a well thought through plan. I am really glad you have the dr on your side. I think it is helpful to have someone that you know is of sound mind, to tell you that you are not infact insane/selfish/incapable etc etc. I so wish I could do more to help. You're in my thoughts - keep up putting on a calm, civil, positive face, even when it is the last thing you feel inside...save the rage and angst for when ex and the kids are nowhere in sight. And believe. Believe. Believe. Believe that This Too Will Pass. You will get home with your two children. It will all be okay. xxxxxx
Well done Jo.
There is no doubt in my mind that Ex will put up a fight although I do not know if it is based on a competitive emotional issue.
It must be reassuring to have the doctor confirm your position.
See you soon.
Sincere best wishes from all here.
Can you find time to go back though your blog pages say Feb 14 2008 and the schools issue or Feb 27 2008 and double standards issue to assist in recalling what was said and on what dates?
Is the August 30 2008 an interesting one to revisit along with other entries pertaining to that issue?
If he wants to "fight you" it may be worthwhile noting for future reference the fact that he wanted to split up the family and keep a "trophy" child.
Perhaps equally important is to have some of the issues readily available if and when any discussions take place such as "on such and such a date he said stay for two years etc".
He may well be entitled to question your recollection without these jottings, he would also be expected to then debate what your interpretations were of what he said / meant etc when if you rely on these blog jottings.
It will however make it a more balanced (balanced in your favour) discussion if the same items are repeated by him and noted on your blog and you can give dates.
Should he have repeated twice, three or four times the “stay for two years” comment it would make it far more difficult for him to repudiate this particular point should you raise it with dates attached.
There is no doubt in my mind that a “war” (albeit an emotional one) may well be what he is planning.
While I have little doubt that he may well have already planned for this emotional event my thoughts are it is in the same way now incumbent on you to plan well for this event.
This sounds like it will be very messy and without some well planned firm thoughts and tangible resolutions it will be an emotional war without any happy or even tolerable resolution.
Between now and Christmas as we have discussed he will suddenly become a better father which is going to make things all the more difficult for the children.
Should he wish to give the “truth” to the children during this war I am sure you can demonstrate how emotionally distressed just the thought of leaving one child behind made you.
Without doubt this is going to be very messy and very upsetting for all.
Is it possible for you to hold the position that “he agreed to you returning with the children after two years and that you want him to remain part of their future”?
Make the point Jo that you have honoured your part of this verbal agreement. He should therefore respect his part and cannot suddenly change what has been a tacit agreement repeated over the last two years.
Should he continue to hold the opinion that one child MUST now stay behind and why he chose that child (with a recording of his statement for future playback) and tickets out of Singapore would probably be your fall back option.
Best wishes.
Thanks for dropping in again Nicola, it's good to see you back in the blogosphere. Your comments mean alot to me, given where you are coming from.
I was a little surprised by the dr's very strong support of me, but yes, at the same time, very reassured . He didn't mince words and was just focussed on getting me to believe that I can actually see this through.
And with all the support I get from my lovely people here, I can't see any reason for me not to either.
Thankyou lovely people.
And Mr s, I will follow up on the dates you mention. How do you come across this stuff. I have trouble finding stuff and it's my blog!
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