It has literally gone from bad to worse. The tension has increased and on Sunday night heated words exchanged. We don't often have a heated argument but when we do, the experience is unnerving, to say the least. It ended with ex storming out and spending the night and all of the following day and night at the office. When we are together, it's not intentional but we compete for the children's attention - I'm sure he thinks that it is instigated by me, but I can see him doing it as well. He's convinced that I'm making up 'conspiracy theories' about his behaviour and that I think he wants to take them away from me. He thinks I want to take them away from him. We are at an impossible junction in this impossible situation. It's doing my head in.
But space and time and thinking have allowed things to calm a little before the next storm. It's times like this I wish I was smarter, less naive. Yes I have two degrees and I know my job but my naiveness puts me at a disadvantage when it comes to dealing with him. I wish I had more street smarts so that I could work out properly what's really going on with him.
I need a plan. Back in my uni days, I took a drama course which required me to act in a play. Terrifying for someone like me, an introverted person who hates being the centre of attention. But I pushed my inhibitions aside and acted - and got a shout out from my drama teacher which secretly pleased me to no end. Fast forward 10 years and my manager at my community job makes me take a public speaking course. I hated him for it, but it let me see a side of myself that I'd forgotten about. I acted my way through that course and delivered on of the best impromptu speeches out of that group.
I'm going to act my way out of this one. If I let myself be my normal cowering, depressed, whimpering, angst ridden self, I'm not going to get what I think is best for my kids. I'm going to reinvent myself to become a person who is strong not only when it comes to enduring a bad situation but who is strong when it comes to creating what is necessary.
It seems as if at the last minute, ex has risen up and done all things he thinks necessary to make up for the last year or two. They are little things he admits, but still they are progress. In front of the kids he is happy, stable, the perfect father. He still loses it sometimes, but not often. I on the other hand have been reduced to screaming, unstable mummy, especially in the last two days and it's just not good enough. I need to be better than this if I don't want this whole situation to end up with me crawling away and abandoning the whole sordid mess. I don't want my children's memories to be of a mother who just walked away when there is and always was, an alternative.
Of course, every one of you will see the alternative. Why don't I just pack up and leave. Because I'm not strong enough, that's why. I'm a coward and can't do it. In the state I am now, I'm not even sure I'd make it to the border. The mindset is not just there and I don't want to do that anyway.
So, I will create it, along with a stronger mind, a stronger body and a a new sense of determination. And then I will know that even if it doesn't work out exactly the way I want it to, I will know that I have truly given it my all.
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