The start of something big

We talked, finally and seriously about what is going to happen at the end of the year. And we will talk again this coming weekend. I was nervous last night, but I'd done my preparation, I had someone propping me up from the shores at home and I knew I could get through it. Thanks Mr S.

I'd emailed ex and made a request for us to sit down and start talking about our future again. As I wrote the email, I was shaking and nervous, knowing I was finally taking the plunge into the unknown with a man who at times has despised me and whom I have hated and loved at the same time. I knew he wasn't planning to stick to our agreement.

So we talked and the long and the short of it is that I AM COMING BACK IN JANUARY but I am not yet sure how many kids are coming with me - 1 or 2.

We were calm, we waited til the kids were asleep so it was already 11pm when we started. Now for anyone else, this conversation might have taken the direction of "this country is better than that country" and "I am better than you" and progressed into a god-awful fight about who was right and who's not, which is better and which is not.

I didn't want to fight. Neither did he. He said there was no animosity, no anger and he didn't have an agenda to take me down in order to get the kids. I started the conversation with a question that was about him "what do you want?" because I wanted to hear clearly and to the point what it is that he actually wants. I took notes. And his ideal is this - to create a situation where, despite any distance, we are still in touch as a family, regardless of who is living where. At this point I really had to will myself not to go off in all directions the way my mind is apt to do and just think "he's just giving me a picture, not telling me that this is the be all and end all".

He asked me if I wanted the kids to be involved in the decision. I thought about it and at first I said no, but then retracted it and said, yes, I think we should involve them since it affects them the most. I also thought that if they have a say in what they want, I have a better chance of a positive outcome. Otherwise it's going to be me against him and that's never good.

I did bring up the fact that of what he said in June 2010, where he'd stated that 'the kids will go back with you anyway'. His response - oh I was just putting that out there, I wasn't really serious. Bastard! So Mr Scorpio, you were dead right and so was I. I knew he wouldn't stand by what he said. I knew from the first talk that it was never going to be straight forward. He's such a prick like that. Changing things at the last minute to suit him. I know at least one person who reads this blog who would never put up with that sort of shit and would just up and leave. But I'm not that person, I'm not fearless like her. I only hope she can understand.

Of course, I had my goal of "bring the kids back home" and he knew that. So he asked me to consider, just consider, some other possibilities. He himself has run through all the possible scenarios and is prepared to cope with whatever happens. He said he knows it's very likely that the kids will come back with me and if that happens, he will structure his life around that.

However, he said he still wanted to discuss all options and wanted me to consider the same. This was something I would need to digest, to ponder over, considering that I just want to take the kids with me. But this is not all about me, it never was and I need to be concerned with the kids emotional well being. They love their dad. They think he's a great dad and if I don't consider all the options and just go, the animosity and trauma that would ensue would last a good portion of the rest of my adult life and make it very uncomfortable for the kids. We have to put our egos aside he said. Indeed!

As we were talking, I managed to get in that I think education is very important and the Australian system has so many advantages. I said I wanted uni to be a possibility. He went on about life skills and asked me "Has your degree been of any help to you?" Me: "of course, I learned so much and have been able to take my skills everywhere with me and make such a difference... blah, blah..." Him: "Uggh you've missed my point" When I asked him to clarify, he wouldn't, sensing I think that it was a pointless exercise because I was going to stick with my argument that yes, education IS important. We were able to avert a crisis at this point by saying what really mattered now is "what is best for the kids."

So, what are the possibilities?

1. Both kids come back with me in Jan 2012.
2. Both kids stay here.
3. One kid comes back with me and the other stays here and lives with the father.
4. I stay another year and both kids come back with me in Dec 2012.
5. One or both kids come back with me in July 2012.

So, what would I be prepared to live with... that's what I need to ponder because the agreement wasn't ever cast in stone in his mind, whereas it was in mine.

And here we are. We stopped shortly after this, we are taking baby steps. It's very intense. I want option 1. He wants option 2. So we are going to discuss the practicalities of all the options in the hope of coming up with a solution that we can all live with. There's no ideal here. Someone or all of us will be hurt, of that I have no doubt. But if we can work this out as a family, then the decision will be owned by all of us and we have a better chance of staying close despite the distances that divide us. And then I can get on with my life which I so desperately want to do.

In the recent past, I've often thought that I dont' want to cut off our life here entirely. I don't want to give up the life and friends I've made for myself. My ideal really would be to spend the school terms in Melbourne and then most of the holidays in Malaysia. I want ex to keep this house, furniture and all so that when we come back, we have somewhere familiar and comfortable to stay. I can stay at my best friend's house if ex is uncomfortable with me being here and he can have the kids for the whole time. That's my best solution to the problem, but it's not his.

After discussions, we will tell the kids after they've had their upcoming birthdays, which are mid August. We're going to tell them the truth. That people change and we are not happy together any more. They will have a say about who they want to live with and then we will decide. I'm hoping of course, that they will want to come back with me. I don't want to desperately hope and plead that they will. I need to let go of that and be OK with all possibilities because that's the way the universe works. If you're too desperate, you think about what you don't want and then that is what happens. In the meantime, I will be here for my kids, when they need to talk and understand what is going on.

It will work out the way it's supposed to work out. I believe that.