We had another talk tonight and the energy was terrible. We sat on adjacent sofas, him with his eyes closed giving out really bad energy and I knew what was coming. We weren't going to talk about our situation, we were going to talk about me and my flaws. The whole thing lasted maybe 30 minutes.
Today's flaw: you want what you want and you'll go to any lengths to get it.
But first:
Me, notebook in hand, pencil at the ready: Where do you want to start talking today?
Ex: I don't know...
Me: Ok....(sigh) why don't we start out by looking at all the scenarios, listing them and then seeing the ... pros and cons of each.
I was really stuck about how to proceed... we have the same problem with each other. We don't want to say anything to set the other one off.
We, or rather I, listed the possible options:
1. Both kids with me.
2. Both kids stay here.
3. One here and one there.
That's all. Those are the options. Pick 1,2 or 3.
HOLD ON A MINUTE, OPTION 2! I can hear you thinking "you must be joking".Now, I've thought about this very carefully and I love my kids very much AND I respect that they love their father, so if they really wanted to stay with him I would consider their feelings about it and somehow come up with some way to structure my life around it - which may or may not involve staying here. But I would like to quietly say, that I don't think it's going to come to that. I think at least one of my children, if not both of them, will want to come with me. However, I don't want to be too cocky and really I would like for the kids to think that that option was open to them if they wanted it. It certainly will be when they are older and able to make their own decisions about where to live and with whom.
Moving on... I tried to get clarification on option 3 and asked would he really consider splitting the kids up because I remember him saying a while back that we didn't want to do that. He said he would and started to 'almost say something', closing his eyes and having that terse look on his face that he gets when he wants to say something but doesn't because I'll melt down over it. He took the plunge anyway and told me my mind had a very selective memory and that's what the problem is because we had talked in the past about having one here and one there - actually now that I think about it, it's always been his suggestion - in 2007 I wasn't allowed to take two kids out of the country! Another time I went to leave and told him I wanted to move back with the kids he said "no, you have to leave one here" and I backed off and stayed.
Ok I said, I remember that once we did talk about having one here and one there, so yep, we have considered it.
Ok, let's move on shall we. Option 1.
Ex: I don't have a major problem with it.
Me: But... (I could sense a 'but' coming a mile away)
His main issue he said, is with the kids feelings, the kids reactions and of course, my reaction. He talked more about how I was always stuck on what I want and that he was worried about what would occur should the kids want to stay. He is concerned that if they want to stay, I will fight for what I want and not care about anybody else's feelings and that I'll do something drastic to get it - like run off with the kids. Seriously, the only time I would really consider that is if he was going to force them to stay against their will.
My response at this point was that I will respect what the kids want to do. If they want to stay, if one wants to stay and the other doesn't, I will respect that. I will find a way to cope with it and to structure my life so that I will be emotionally connected with both kids - that's the new goal people. I talked then about how, if I'd wanted to do something drastic, it would already have happened. After all, I've been overseas with the kids twice and I've come back twice and it could have happened many times in between but I never, ever did it. And even if I did do it, the kids would hate me for it and so nobody wins. I went on a bit more but it was a bit futile. I even said that at some stage he's going to have to trust me, but really, I didn't make a dent in his thinking.
He then said it's still like walking on egg shells. As each day comes, I show a different face and he's stopped asking why and just does his best to cope with it. Sometimes I look like someone has died, other times I'm happy. He just doesn't know what's going to happen from day to day so all he can do now is prepare his mind for the worst. It's highly stressful for him and he doesn't know how I can live with myself. For him now, it's all about how he can minimise the stress generated by me!!!!
He told me that Jilian asked him once why he always says yes to everything - he gave her a general answer but I know the real reason and it's that he thinks if he says no to me, it'll cause stress and he doesn't want that.
Sometimes I am amazed at how screwed up we really are. I bend over backwards for him because I don't want to cause him stress and he does the same for me!!! OMFG! I gotta get outta here!
He came to the discussion still pidgeon-holing me into the 'I'm going to get what I want no matter who I have to crush to get it' mold. I couldn't convince him of otherwise. I even asked him if it would make him feel better if we went away and I 'processed' the options some more. It didn't change his mind about what he thought was happening. He thinks it's a futile fight and the outcome is inevitable. I didn't say anything against that. I want to hear what the kids say first.
And that's all. Time for bed.
PS. what a waste of time.
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