It's my job to bring it up. The 'talk' that is. I've finally come to my senses and realised that he is not going to make a request to talk about the elephant in the room. It's not his thing after all, it's mine. I'm the one that wants to go away. I"m the one that needs to plan and pack and get started, so I'm the one that is going to have to start talking again.
I don't know what I've been waiting for. Oh yes, that's right, I'm a coward who hates to rock the boat and yep, I do hate myself for it.
Everyday I think about it. Everyday I let whatever opportunity I get slip away. Should I request a talk via email? Should I ask him when he's watching tv? Should I call him when the kids are at school and say those dreaded words "we need to talk"?
I keep trying to think of an opening line, one that's not too threatening, depressing, but I really don't think there is one. I think the words "we need to sit down and discuss the plans for the end of the year" will have to suffice.
I'm getting closer. But I know too that I have to be prepared, because whether he likes it or not, I am going to fight for what I want. I have to be prepared for him to say hurtful things, for him to be angry, for him to fight too, for him to counter any argument I've got. I need my notebook and my trusty mechanical pencil, I need reminders of the points I want to bring up. I need xanax.
The kids are tired, I'm tired of the fucking charade. If I do talk to ex, do we tell them now or wait. Both kids have become very attached to him of late. When is the right time? I don't know. There are so many things I don't know about this whole process.
On the up side, I'm losing weight. At 85 kgs, though I'm considered tallish, I'm starting to look like a box on legs and I'm sick of lifting my stomach off my thighs. So, new eating habits it is. I've dropped the nasty white carbs from my diet (white rice, pasta, bread, all biscuits and cake) and replaced them with fruit, nuts, vegetables, proteins and a smidge of wholegrain carbs. I'm also still walking with my aussie mate here in the mornings and I'm doing some yoga courtesy of an iPad app a couple of mornings a week.
In 4 days, I've lost 1 kg which is pleasing, to say the least. I need to lose another 9 to reach my goal weight of 75. It's so easy to get fat here - all the great food you can buy and it's pretty cheap. My current favourites are roti canai with dahl (lentil curry) and satay with teh tarik. Yummo. I can have the dahl and the satay but not the roti or the teh!
And the yoga has been great for my back, by the way. Sometimes I feel as though I'm falling apart inside but what I really need to do is to just move and I can't wait until I get back because it will be too late then. I need to move now.
Thanks for dropping by people. I hope you are all well.
4 comments:
The words "we need to sit down and discuss the plans for the end of the year" are certainly forthright and will make you and your almost completely ex face the issue.
There is little doubt in my mind that what happens next is going to be decidedly uncomfortable for you and your almost completely ex.
With the situation regarding almost completely ex and the children; we did postulate some 12 months ago that this rapid bonding would feature and occur as the end of this year approached.
This “end of the two year” bonding might also suggest he recognises the significance of the situation and the painful separation that must happen.
When it comes to discussing the separation issues with the children I really see no easy way to introduce this awful subject.
Although blunt honesty is a possibility, perhaps starting the conversation with “your dad and I agreed two years ago that we should stay here until ....
BEFORE THAT opening gambit statement can I suggest though at least getting almost completely ex to agree that he may have actually said, inferred or agreed with the two year concept? I believe that is essential.
We also suspected as your departure date approached the “two year agreement” would become more flexible and anything but “cast in stone” in his mind.
So, without almost completely ex agreeing that he said anything about that “two year thingy” it is certainly going to be darned awkward for you.
Your records and prompts may be essential because what is jolly arduous now will be even more difficult next week.
What will you do if almost completely ex absolutely disagrees with you and that there was any form of a tacit two year concept?
Would it be possible to include your genuine concerns about “precarious” finances?
I know it will be difficult for almost completely ex to face this financial question.
My thoughts are that it is impractical for him to AGAIN say “it is up to him how he provides for the family” without a plan that has firm and measurable goals attached that are agreeable to both of you.
Eg If you picked a figure of say A$1000 per week into the account without fail. That is firm and it is measureable. Having some nebulous concept that is unavailable to you has not been satisfactory and is leaving the family potentially destitute. Planning without measures is not planning it is assembling a wish list.
Where are the firm measures with any financial plan, can you see them, are you able to discuss any salient points with him?
Is it possible that any acceptance (or rejection?) of your two year agreement will give you 5 months of hell as distinct from the years of heaven over the past few years?
Oh I sincerely hope others have an easier resolution to your situation.
Best wishes
Just a quick follow up.
I am concerned that with your two year agreement that “nothing will be cast in stone”.
So, back to the financial situation with goals, processes and other measureable points that almost ex was so in favour of.
• After these years of relative austerity how long before you enjoy owning your own house?
• EG If you bought a house and he said it would be paid off in 7 years that would be a firm, measurable commitment and ex has always used goals, plans and measures.
• Have you any examples where “after all these years we are not making financial gains here and we should return to Australia to secure the future of the children who are our priority”?
• Is it fair to say that you are unable to make substantial financial contributions in Malaysia due to their laws “to secure the future of the children who are our priority and we should return to Australia”?
• Does history show that as a family were financially happier in Australia and better paid jobs were readily available for all “to secure the future of the children who are our priority”?
By the way BE AWARE THAT ANY failure to meet goals, plans and measures is always the fault of someone else.
With that last line write it down on a separate piece of paper that can be handed to almost ex because he will utter the statement that it was the fault or Jo or Bill or Frank etc.
That was not a name typo!
Best to all in troubled times.
I will read this and memorise the points you made because they are valid and very important. Want a job as my lawyer! I think I need one. I found this too:
June 26, 2010
He also wants first dibs on what to do with the kids on the holidays because he wants to spend time with them before they go back to Australia with me. He knows that the 3 year period ends next year. I asked him very quietly the other day while we were talking whether he knew and he said, yes, he knows.
And I have given him his choice every single holiday since then. At times he's taken it, at others he hasn't. I will bring this up at our meeting. He says he's taking responsibility for all the things that have happened but it always comes down to one thing - it was my fault he went downhill!
Have just sent ex an email requesting to sit down with him and discuss our situation and future plans. I'm shaking.
Jo
Why be shaking???
You are in control, you have the moral high ground, you have the facts, evidence, goals, processes and other measureable points at your finger tips.
Awkward yes, unpleasant without doubt, essential to resolve oh you betcha.
Make sure in a casual way he confirms the existance of that agreement first though and you will not just have the high ground you will own Mt Everest.
That agreement is the key, the finances are the lock.
I truly hope it resolves itself on behalf of all involved and I do mean all.
Best wishes on behalf of all here at the blog I am sure.
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