We're in the last throes of the weekend. Ex had the son at the office, spent the day with him, taught him about responsibility and gratefulness, they watched The Simpsons together, got him to finish his homework, that sort of thing. I had the daughter and we had a lazy day at home - well not really - she dragged her homework on for hours and I was on my computer.
We went for a family breakfast this morning. For me, it was uncomfortable, at best. Ex was in his "responsibility mode" which meant that every mistake got analyzed and the person got a mini-talk on what they need to do to not make the same mistake. Not sayin it's a bad thing, just sayin, 'that's how it is'. I find it hard to be around a person who does that, but that's just me. Sometimes I take it personally, but that's just me. Sometimes I think he shouldn't do it, just relax already, but that's just me.
I forget sometimes that it's probably caused by stress. He has stressors too, that it's not just me However, when he acts that way, I think that somehow I've triggered it by doing something (wrong). It's probably not true, but that's how it appears in my brain. So then I feel like I'm to blame for it.
I've finally realised too why I feel so bad when the kids misbehave. When they misbehave, I think that ex will blame me and it's my fault. Their behaviour is not a simple matter of 'the kids are just learning'. It makes it look as though I'm not doing my job properly as a mother, at least that's how I think ex sees it and I don't like it when he sees my faults. Nope, not at all.
And something doesn't feel good tonight. I can't put my finger on it, but it will only be relieved when I see ex relax a bit and not see that look on his face that says, "it's so hard to be around you" or "I just can't look at you". When I picked him and the son up tonight, he was very tired. I think he must have had to take some xanax or something or maybe he struggled with son today. I have to admit, between the lego and all the talking he does, son can get a bit intense. It's times like this, when he's gone straight to his room and gone to sleep, that I think he may be having so much stress that he'd be willing to just let us go. But it never turns out that way. Some how or other, he always bounces back. Always.
3 comments:
I am surprised with your reaction to the second last paragraph.
The second sentence of the second last paragraph should not be a surprise.
Ah yes what you said is a correct assessment and he will see it that way.
No surprise there Jo.
Best wishes
Believe it or not, it was a surprise to me. I can be a little slow to work these things out.
But when I think about it, I AM responsible for their behaviour. Of course I am, I'm their primary care taker and they learn their reactions, words and ways of coping from me.
My twisted mind thinks that he will use this against me when it comes to sorting out where the kids are going to be. Phrases like "well you can't even teach them to do what you say, so how can you possibly raise them" make a frequent appearance in my mind. He has never said this though.
How many times have I looked in the mirror and seen a parenting failure on some level?
Are you better than most? I would think so, on just about any level and by any measure so forget the “messy mind” stuff, just be aware of it and move on.
We who know you KNOW are doing remarkably well given your circumstances.
What I do notice is the two standards you place on people.
One is for you and another for your almost Ex.
Paraphrasing you .....you once wrote in reply to me.......”when he looks at you, closes his eyes and shakes his head” and later in a post “if I did that he would judge you”.
Sticking up for yourself is what offends him and you go to great lengths to avoid that, yet you appear almost sponge like when it comes to accepting his continued “put downs” of you.
What may have happened is that you know what the problems are and to avoid facing them you have invented ways to avoid correcting them for whatever reason.
In the last post what surprised me was that you “realised” something so obvious. IE that he would blame you!
I suspect you have known that for a good while, years!
Jo let me put this in the form of a question.....you have nothing to be ashamed of, you are a very good person and you are doing well by the kids!
Now you add the blessed question mark somewhere else because I lied, that was not a question.
Ex claims he is suffering PTS with Australia, what BS. What he has put you through would not wash here in Australia.
What you have survived, achieved and succeeded at many such as nearly Ex can only jealously dream about.
Fondest wishes from all here.
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