A light chat in the afternoon.

He called me just as i was finishing lunch with the kids. Said he needed to talk to me about something. I couldn't say no, so i drove to the office. I was actually trembling as i walked up the stairs. Almost in tears, i willed it not to show as a i plastered a fake smile on my face. Horrible thoughts about how he's going to take it back or perhaps someone had asked him about us leaving swirled in my overactive ego-driven pain. It physically hurt.

I went in and sat down. He was calm and i was trying to be. We needed to talk about the ticket thing he said. Earlier in the day, while driving, i told him that mum would pay for the tickets and he wasn't happy about it. He had OFFERED he said, it was his responsibility to buy us the tickets. I had taken that and thrown it in his face, like i had some point to make, like I was trying to prove how independent i was. I was also making assumptions about his financial position when he'd already arranged to have the money made available and when really, i didn't have a clue.

To say i was shocked was an understatement. I sat there numb and crying silent tears while he talked again about how i'd over-reacted the other night, how i'd made assumptions. He went on about my BPD and how when i shut people down with my moods, i risk transferring that particular trait to the kids. He knows about all the bad things i say about him in my head or to other people and he's let that go. There's no anger or resentment he said, and he wishes me all the best and happiness. Writing it here it sounds like the most ludicrous 'talk' ever, but to here him say it in that calm, rational voice almost made it sound reasonable.

I cried, thinking, no, there's no agenda here, no point to make. I wasn't trying to be independent, i was just trying to make it easier for him. He says he knows he makes bad assumptions about me, as i do about him, but asking my parents to send money was ego-driven and i should be careful about that. OMG! i couldn't believe he was saying all this stuff, not because he wanted to and not to make me feel bad.

GUESS WHAT! I feel bad when you say those things. He told me at the start that this was the last time ever that he would talk about this thing (my flaws) with me. And i just sat there in tears, wondering when i had done the things he was talking about. I just don't see it. I never see it and that's the upsetting bit. I never, ever see those things that he sees so how can i change them.

In the end i just gave up and let it wash over me, not responding, just crying. I know this will be over soon, so there's no point fighting it. If i let myself start, i may never stop.

In the end, he did say some good things too. He said i'm the best person to look after the kids now, i would do a better job than him at this point. He said i was very good with the kids and he could see they were happy with me. He knows they will be well taken care of.

He said that he will look after us financially, as soon as he sorts his stuff out and that i shouldn't worry about how he organises his affairs. he'll send us money when he can and visit as often as he can. He will not stay in my house when he is there, nor drive my car. He may meet them at the airport and then take them on holidays.

After i picked up the pieces of my self esteem up off the floor i went to the bathroom and let it al out. As i went to go out, i mistakenly opened the wrong side of the door and then had a panic attack because i thought that i was locked in. I have a mild phobia about being locked ina toilet, dating back to my childhood days.

That all over, i left the building, feeling like i'd been hit by a train. Just one more week and we can be apart, one more week. As i was leaving, he said "and we'll look at the date too, just to make sure we can fit everything in that we need to get done.

Time to rest. I wish i was a robot.