Stand tall and regroup

We can never control what others say about us. We can only control our own inner reaction.

That's what all the spiritual self-help books will tell you. You are in control of your own reactions. Last night's talk has given me a chance to prove this little gem right. Let me tell you what happened.

We started by talking about the children's birthdays. He's leaving it to me, so nothing new there. I bought my daughter a book from the Chicken soup for the Soul series, the one titled "Girls". She loves reading those books and then talking about the stories later. We often read together, snuggled up on my bed. It's a great way to spend time together and to bond, which is so important right now. It's the perfect present and I know she'll love it. I'm also getting her a paint by numbers canvas. She's not that artistic but she does like to paint and this is one way she can do it and the results are pleasing to her. Ex has resigned himself to the fact that our son is interested in nothing else but Lego and on his trip to KL next week, will go shopping for a new set.

After we'd settled another domestic matter (closing the business, handing over the management of multiple domain names to him etc) we got onto the serious stuff.

His first question was "how do you reconcile teaching the children something you haven't mastered yourself?"

Generally he was talking about emotional control. He doesn't see it that when my emotions do go overboard, it's because the situation is extreme. Extreme situations, extreme behaviour. My normal demeanour is usually pretty calm. Specifically, he was referring to a book I had been reading with Jilian called "Being a Happy Teen" by Andrew Matthews. I bought the book in the hope that we would read it together and then go on to talk about how to control our moods (she's pretty moody at the moment, normal pre-teen angst plus I'm sure she's picking up on the tension) It's quite a good book in that it gives teens a view on what it's like to be a parent and how to be your own person and make good decisions along the way, but it's said in a very appealing way. Anyway, I told him that the things in the book were things I now believed and that I had come a long way in controlling some of my own emotions. I still read a lot of Eckhart Tolle and try to apply what I learn, to my own life. I tell the kids that sometimes I slip up and that it's hard and that I never thought I could change, but here I am. I tell my kids, without giving them the details about the struggles I've had as a person, how shy and intimidated I used to feel. I reiterated that I often have to 'live in the now' and take things for what they are rather than putting my own spin on things. I used his going out late at night as a good example of how I am able to let things be and I don't get upset anymore in that even if he is going out and drinking or whatever, that was his choice and had nothing to do with me. He didn't dispute the things I talked about and I think I did a good job of convincing him that I have some good skills in the emotional control department. His comment that "emotions are usually based on the wrong perceptions of reality" was interesting. If this was directly referring to me, he is talking about how I get emotional over things I perceive that are not there, things to do with him perhaps. Which is really ironic coming from him, he of the "i'm upset because you take an hour to put the kids to bed because you want to avoid me" school of thinking. Hmmmmmm..... I wonder how he'd react if he knew I was considering taking a life coaching course when I return home. I really am. I figure it could give me skills I don't have and equip me to help the kids later if that's the sort of help they need. Or if I like it, I could become a health and well-being life coach - maybe.

Anyway, I digress. We went on to discuss education (my concern), which he is dpoe not convinced is that important. He said most of the millionaires of the world don't have degrees anyway and people, if they want to do something, will always find a way to do it, regardless of their educational background. I can see that point of view but I still think we should give them the opportunity to experience as good an education as we can provide. Unfortunately I got a bit stuck at this point and failed to mention that the schools no longer teach maths and science in english at the secondary level, but honestly, it wouldn't have made a difference anyway. He's got his mind set on the 'if people want something, they will find a way to make it happen'. This is not surprising coming from someone who taught himself C++ programming, so I can see his point, though that doesn't change my mind about wanting them to have their education in Australia. His message here is, if they want to stay, I don't need to freak out because they are not getting the education I pictured for them. And really, i know that's right. People come up from all sorts of circumstances and are successful, but I would still like them to experience school in Australia.

Other things that came up.... He has come close to asking me to leave with the kids a couple of times when he is so stressed that he doesn't think he can stand it any more. Part of me wishes he would do just that and get this whole sordid mess over with. I honestly can't say that I've done anything that I would regard as completely thoughtless, hysterical or inconsiderate, but that's just me.


He still worries about the kids learning how to do things efficiently and quickly. I drive him mad with the way I do things and on top of that I'm slow at it. It doesn't bother me, but it bothers him a great deal. He asked me how am I going to teach the kids to do things efficiently when I can't do them myself. He did mention that i've organised the kitchen and my room quite well and done a better job than he could ever have done and then said that well, he's not that worried about passing on the life skills that much. I don't have any response to this line of thinking. If I defend myself, I'm being defensive and if I don't, I'm a doormat. I can't win either way, so just let it be.

We talked about the possibility that if the kids want to stay another year, would that be an option for me too. His reply was.... interesting at best, offensive at worst. He told me thst even though I don't see it, I'm very difficult to live with. He brought up a story that I told him of when I was 20 or so and living back home after university. Mum and I had been fighting a lot and my dad pulled me aside and told me that if things didn't change, I would have to move out. He further exemplified how difficult I am by reminding me that when I broke my arm earlier this year, I seemed to think I was entitled to have people helping me and he thought I was rude and offensive to his mum. Thinking back on this, I asked him if he'd actually spoken to his mum about it and he said no, but he sees things, he sees how people react to me - OK then... I remember him telling me this while I was still recuperating, so at the time, I went and talked to his mum and she told me that I was fine, family was supposed to step in and help when needed. I never told him I talked to her but I think I am going to have to. She's a pretty open and straight talking and I believed her when she said it was ok. Maybe she was being polite, I don't know, but I thought I knew her better than that. Mind you, he's projected like this onto his family before and when I talked to them about the things that he said, they denied feeling that way. If they weren't being genuine with me, they're damn good actors.

So, is it really feasible that I stay for another year? No, actually I don't think I can. I don't want to and I don't think we'd cope very well. If I did, the whole situation would have to change to the point where we'd need to live in different houses or something along those lines. I would need to get my own visa based on me working here, rather than me being married here as it currently is. But on the whole, given how he feels about me, I think it's best for me to come home. It's what i need to do anyway, I feel it. It's time.

He said again as he was talking about me and my life skills that he's not saying it to make me feel bad. I feel bad just speaking to him, so I wish he wouldn't say that. At this point, his biggest concern is whether I will be able to teach the kids life skills... and then said that he didn't really have a problem with me teaching them life skills, not really. My educated guess says he was just putting the issue "out there" to discuss and make me aware of his concerns. However, it doesn't bring us any closer to a decision.

We concluded after an hour and a bit. I hopped into bed, wanting to write it all out, but I was just numb. I don't know why, perhaps the onslaught of "here's how bad you are, but I'm not saying it to make you feel bad" thing. So I sat with it for a while, understanding that anyone with feelings would react emotionally, or not. I knew it would pass and it did, the next day.

My heart feels so strongly that the kids should come with me, that I'm better equipped to take care of them at this point in their lives. If it's true, then we'll all end up in Melbourne next year. The kids brithday's are next week and after that, well, decisions need to be made. Just the thought of it makes me a little weak with emotion. My hands are sweaty just writing this little bit about it and I can feel my blood getting hot. If it goes the way it should, I will be ecstatically happy and sad all at once. If it doesn't, I will break and then pick myself up and get through it.