I built up the courage and, with rationality and calmness by my side, approached him about the double standards issue (see previous post). I said "I would like us to discuss some of the double standards that are happening here because it upsets me and I want to discuss it like normal people"
Him (facing away from me): OK what is it?
Me: Well, for example I want you to consider the incident the other night where you bumped the gate open with the car. I realise that you were hungry and it was dinner time, but can you consider what your reaction would have been if I had done the same thing. "
Him: well i did it because you asked me to get take away and it was already 7.30 and I was hungry and for every 1 time I do it like that there are 10 times I don't do it. (defensive?)
Me: you've missed the point. I don't care that you opened the gate with the car, I want you to think about how you would have felt if I had done that. What would your reaction have been?
Him: you know, you come in here and pick one thing wrong and wallow in it. If that's what you've been thinking about for the past two days, then you don't really understand what's going on here."
Me: No I am not wallowing in it, I just want to discuss it and no I think about a lot of other things, but they are big issues that we are not ready to discuss because of our fragile relationship. If we can't discuss the small things first, how can we discuss the big things.
Him: so what's next, my feet on the table, my spending money on drinking?
Me: No, I those things didn't cross my mind for this discussion. And I do think about big things, like the future of our family and our children's future, finances and the ways we can spend money and save it, and lots of other things that we are not ready to discuss yet?
Long pause...... neither of us looking up or speaking, well, that's all.... walk out and mumble something about going to the toilet.
Now what? I'm really trying... I just don't know where I went wrong. Now he's all upset with me and we're supposed to go out tomorrow on a family shopping day. Yuk.
3 comments:
oh dear. this is tough. for you, and it has to be said, for him. both of you think you are right, and neither is listening - really listening - to the other.
jo you have every right to be treated with respect and listened to. you have every right to ask questions and expect answers.
maybe it's just been like this for so long, it's hard to change? him and you?
maybe you just need to concentrate on believing that you are ok, you aren't always wrong, and you aren't the only "problem" in the relationship. it just doesn't work like that, but i'm not sure you will hear from him what you would like to hear.
it's a tough one.
[hugs]
You're right. I let this one go and I'll let future 'things' go. I just need to concentrate on me, and doing what I think is right for myself and the kids. If he makes mistakes, I'm not going to bring it up, because he is human after all. Thanks for the reminder. So, so often, we've gotten into "well you did that and I didn't do that etc". It's time to change and life is short - which was my philosophy when I came back last year. Thanks for the reminder.
{hugs back - thanks)
just a few lines from a male perspective . knowing you and him i would just like to say that we males think we are never at fault. we are easy to getalong with aslong as we are getting our ownway but we need to realize that relationships are a twoway street. dont put up with to much crap you deserve better than that. take care of yourself and the kids.
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