With my mind going impossibly around in circles, it's hard to know where to start so that it makes sense to anybody that may read this.
I live in a difficult situation. My sort-of-ex husband and I share a house in Malaysia so that our two young children (5 + 7) can be together. If I ask for a divorce, he will want at least one child. I can't bear to be separated from either of them or to separate them from each other. They are wonderfully close and I want them to have each other in these difficult times. My sort-of-ex husband is a good father. He is patient and calm with them and they adore him.
Living like this is easy on the surface. We have our respective rooms and don't invade each other's privacy. I cook, clean the house and take care of the kids. He works from home, pays the bills and provides for all our needs.
He is a nice person, but like anybody, not perfect. He is arrogant and does not tolerate mistakes from other people well. He is private and can look perfectly happy when he is downright miserable.
I, on the other hand, am an emotional basket-case. Reality for me is/was whatever I am feeling, whether they are justified or not. If I feel angry, someone must have done something to make me that way, and so I believe it and take it on the unfortunate person that I think has done the misdeed. Sometimes, I read way too much into things and take things personally - it's always about me.
So under the normality of daily life, things are tense. We've been together for many years, so our relationship has lots of baggage.
My main turmoil in our 'situation' always starts with "what is reality?" What really happened - did I really hear an arrogant tone in your voice? Are you saying I'm stupid? Did I really snap at you, because I didn't think I did? It's mental torture. I can be certain of one thing...that if I think something like what I just wrote, the reality (or his reality) will be the opposite.
At times he sounds like a parent - "well I can do that because I can do it properly etc etc" but if I was to do the same thing, he would be sooooo angry and righteous. Can I question the double standard here? Of course not, because then I'm being borderline (personality disorder) which he thinks I have and I do show some signs of this emotional disorder. So is my reaction (anger and annoyance) to this behaviour normal or am I just being overemotional?
Will continue another time.
1 comment:
I have lived this post a million times over, at least the bit about your 'messy mind'. I've had a long history with depression, and my husband has a medical background, so he uses the borderline PD argument when it suits him too.
I also understand how bloody wearing it is to continually second guess your own responses to life. To not trust your own emotions.
I really hope that you have some support out there, friends of your own, not just your almost-ex's. For me that was so important, because when you feel isolated it is so easy to loose confidence in your own judgement, and in yourself.
You sound like a very strong, and emotionally generous woman.
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