About a month back, my daughter was crying as I picked her up. Her cousin (almost-ex's nephew on his brother's side), who is in the same year, had told her not to talk to him because she embarrassed him. Why? Because she speaks English to him and not Chinese. She told me at the time to just leave it alone, not to speak to him about it.
My heart ached for her because at home, they are good friends. She was hurt and I could do nothing about it. As a mother, you want to protect your children from these things, but of course, that's life and you can't.
A few weeks went by and he still would not talk to her. She was still hurt and angry by his rebuff, getting upset on occasion when she thought about all the good times they'd had together. And of course I'm hurting for her as much as she is.
Come last Friday, we paid the cousins a social visit and I took the boy aside and asked him why he wasn't talking to my daughter at school anymore. He said it's because his friends tease him about being an 'english talker'. I told him he should be proud of his english and that he's really hurt his cousin's feelings. I said it calmly, but he took it to mean he was in trouble, which of course from his point of view, would only be logical. then he went and told my daughter what I'd said (and it actually didn't cross my mind that he would) so she was angry with me.
Later, I was upset to think that I'd completely ruined the relationship for her by sticking by big foot in it. But the need to find out, to make him realise how he'd hurt her was so strong. Is this a normal feeling? Do I need to interfere on my kids behalf? When do I respect her right to request me not to do anything about something I feel I should have a say in. She is my daughter after all.
I've had the same struggle with the discipline at school, which i do realise is a more serious issue. At school, they smack the kids on the hand with a ruler. When I found out, I was angry and wanted to go to the school and ask them what right they had to smack kids, ESPECIALLY! for homework errors or low exam marks! How dare they make these kids feel worse! just because they don't get their work right. I was in a real tizz and my daughter asked me not to say anything, it didn't hurt anyway (but it does, she told me later). Other parents had told me that if i approached the school and requested they don't smack her, my daughter would be ostracized for getting special treatment. I didn't say anything that time, but if it comes up again, I'm not sure I'll be able to hold myself back. Any comments, advice, anybody?
2 comments:
I struggle with this all the time....my eldest is far too much like her mum, and struggles with social interactions in the same way I always did. She has a friend who is a real manipulator; she's always playing one friend off against another or making her friends prove their allegiances to her. I fight a constant battle to keep out of it, to not pass comment too much. I've had a couple of the standard chat s with my eldest about real friendship as apposed to bullys and users (couched in slightly more diplomatic terms) but I don't want to be too intrusive into my daughters relationships, or to demonize her friends... but it hurts to watch her struggle and makes me wish I had better interpersonal skills myself.
I do a shift in the school canteen every fortnight and a couple of weeks back I was impressed by another mother's way of dealing with a school-yard issue that was affecting her son. She called over one of the boys in her son's class and asked him to do her a favour; she said her son Rick was having trouble with someone in his class picking on him, but that her son was not willing to tell her who it was, so she asked this kid to keep an eye on Rick for her because she knew that he the kids in their year listened to/respected him and that she would hate to have to bring teachers into the matter. The boy said yes, he would do that.
Later when I asked who was picking on Rick she told me it was the boy she had approached. That she had wanted to let him know that she knew something was going on without it appearing that Rick had 'run to mum and dobbed'. Apparently the situation is much better now, and I'm a little in awe of this woman, 'cause I would never thought to deal with that sort of problem in that way....Good luck with your daughter and nephew, I hope someone has some advice to help, keep us posted.
Miz, thanks for the advice. I liked the way she handled the situation, I wish I could think like that. I should be able to...I'm a teacher by trade.
Well instead of confronting the nephew again, I had a chat to his mum, mostly to make sure that the boy wasn't going to take my confrontation out on my daughter when they got to school. She explained that with her other two it's was just a matter of time, the friends the kids have will change and as long as they get on at home, all will be well. I hope so. They are our only family here and if we don't have them, it kind of takes away some of our reason for being here in the first place.
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