The thing that scares me most is, what if I've got it wrong. What if the things ex says are not true? (that I have BPD, that my behaviour is unreasonable, that I've hurt him so badly that he can never forgive me). What if I'm closer to normal than he is and he's completely screwed up, yet still got me thinking that it's me.
I know that everyone back home thinks it's all his fault. That I'm a doormat. That he has the power and that he's controlling me for whatever reason it is that some people want to control other people. They think that because he's screwed up, his perception of my actions towards him have been taken completely out of context.
What if.... this pattern of thinking arises when I hear or see things that raise doubts in my mind about the reality of the situation. Right now, one of those things are that his family is worried about him. They told me so, without me prompting them. Apparently he's stopped talking to them too, about what he's doing, how he's making money and what if any, his plans are.
Ex has stated quite clearly that I'm not to talk about him to any of his family or friends. And I don't normally, but this time it was different. They wanted to talk to me, to find out if I knew any different from them. I know a bit more, but I could never tell. If they really knew what he was doing when he went away, they'd be concerned. It's a bit like when i tell someone I use xanax - they are concerned first but settle down when I explain that it's not all the time, it's only a very little dose and it really does help. He's quite arrogant though and can't see what the concern would be about and he thinks he knows what he's doing.
I know I'm being confusing, I am confused and not being a writer, sometimes it's hard to articulate what the problem is.
But what if I'm wrong and I'm just making it worse for myself by staying here. Digging myself into a deeper hole that I'm never going to get out of. I hate not knowing the future. I hate his power over me. But I can't let the hate dictate my actions. Ugggh I'll see if I can clarify a few things in another post.
3 comments:
This sounds most difficult my dear. I once read a really good book by Stephanie Dowrick* who said that when you are all in a quandry and your head is spinning with thoughts, you need to stop and ask "What does this situation need?". This gives you the ability to break a problem down into what the situation needs right now.
You can think about tomorrow's problems, and cause and effect the next day and address it by asking the same question.
It won't fix everything but I found it a surprisingly simple way to break the endless chatter that can occupy my mind when I can't work out what to do, or when I am full of regret.
Take care of you.
* I think it was called Choosing Happiness which sounds like an awful title but it wasn't a bad read.
Sound advice Ms Batville, thankyou. I've read many self help books, but none gave such simple advice. On the title, I've read worse - one called Addicted to Unhappiness - sounds like a charming read doesn't it? It also wasn't too bad.
My situation right now, just requires me to go through the motions of living without becoming emotionally unstable. Get up in the morning, drive son to school, help daughter with homework, get daughter ready for school, get me and kids lunch (and ex if I want, otherwise he will buy lunch), rest up, teach for a few hours 4 days a week, prepare dinner for family (and I have the option of getting takeaway if I don't feel like cooking) clean up, get kids ready for bed, shower myself and watch tv or go to bed. Also I can go out to see friends if I want.
When I write it out like this, it all seems so simple. Indeed, I have it very easy. But ex is in this picture too - someone I loved (and hated) for a long time - going about his life, making mistakes doing things that I wouldn't want my kids to know about and I'm not able to respond, talk about or react to it in any way. He does good things too - spends time with the kids, gives me the money I need, looks after the kids when I want to go out, takes us out for day trips etc. Putting all my feelings aside is proving to be very challenging. The hard part is stopping the emotions of anger, jealousy, resentment ruling my actions and moods. I really don't have the luxury of indulging my emotions at the moment but if I hold them in, they tend to explode at other times.
That's the struggle in a nutshell. Containing the moods and just living a normal life ad looking forward. But your kindness and words have let me stop the chatter for now and I am OK again. thanks again.
Wanted to let you know dear Ms Batville, that since your post, I've said this to myself - every. single. day. - at least twice. And it helps. Big thanks.
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