Follow your instinct

The universe has been throwing this message at me for the last two or three days, which is why I think I've been struggling. On the one hand, my emotional instincts tell me to "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, TAKE THE KIDS, RUN, YOU CAN HAVE A BETTER LIFE IN AUSTRALIA - SCHOOLS, FAMILY, WORK, FOOD - WHAT ARE YOU? A FUCKING DOORMAT? WHY DON'T YOU STAND UP FOR YOURSELF? GO, RUN, NOW! This is the emotional me, the one that takes hold in times of weakness, the one that requires the dose of xanax to let it pass.

On the other hand, the rational me is thinking:
Just do this, it's OK. The kids are in school, they are reasonably happy, you can survive here, wait it out patiently and bide your time. There are many people worse off than you. He will agree to let them have their secondary schooling in Australia because he is a good father who doesn't let his emotions rule his decisions. Remember, you needed to separate from him - your relationship was crushing you, you are free from the criticism now that he no longer brings up all your mistakes. You needed to separate to save yourself. Remember that! He does have control issues, even if he doesn't think so. You can be here and survive emotionally, but you need to be strong.

When I came back with my son, to Malaysia from my home town in September 07, to live here with ex and the kids, I was following an instinct. My entire family didn't want me to come back. My dad fretted for me, saying it would destroy me. I felt good at home and knew I was loved. My self esteem had increased 100 %, but I knew in my heart the best thing for the kids (whose well being is at the top of the list) was for them to be together. I knew that if I set my mind to it, I would be able to live here and be OK.

And I knew it wouldn't be easy - that I was prone to emotional breakdowns, that I would have to sit by and watch him go off for the weekend to enjoy himself, that I wouldn't be able to talk about stuff to him. I knew all that and more and still, in my heart, knew it was better to come back.

WHY? Because here, they have both parents and can be together (he will not let me take both kids), because I can't break my daughter's heart again by leaving her alone with her father and finally, I DO NOT need to give that man another reason to be angry at me. He is not a violent man, but he is very smart, and has a dogged determination that you don't see in many people. He will fight for them, and fight hard and smart - and my greatest fear comes to the fore here - if I fight now - I WILL LOSE!!


There you have it.