I'm so awful

At this very moment, ex is in the lounge room doing the ironing. He does it well, it's organised, well ironed, neat and he's fast. In his own words, more efficient than I am. And I still can't stand to be near him, yet at the same time I want him to talk to me, to ask me how I slept, how I'm doing, have I got any plans for the day. Anything that would show that he cared an inkling for me, even just as the mother of his kids. I treat strangers better.

For the most part, I can live with it being this way, but sometimes it does get lonely and it is horrible, much as I try to convince myself that it's not either of these things.

I can't stand the way he comes and goes as he pleases. The arrogance he displays when he's at home and things are going smoothly. Like he's saying, "I told you the problem was you. See now you're in control, things are better". I can't stand the way he scoffs and makes derogatory comments about women and ideas presented on television - things like you should accept people the way they are, marriage can be good, women who have been pregnant have no excuse for not looking like a model afterwards (because all the celebs are not fat!!). The way he listens to techno-hip hop rap music shit really loud in his room, like a bloody teenager, the way he whistles at 20-something women on the tv.

I look at him and though I feel a kind of affection for him at times, sometimes I find that I really don't like who he has become. But then who am I to judge him, being who I was - self centred, over emotional, unwilling to try new things and ideas, messy and thoughtless.

I make judgements on his way of life, not that it's especially bad, but if I was a responsible father as he claims to be, I wouldn't do what he does. He doesn't beat me or the kids, he doesn't abuse us, he doesn't belittle us, he doesn't bother us much at all, unless there's what seems to be an obvious problem. He does, though, drink (not at home).... and drive. He takes medications for stress and has mixed it with alcohol - poor judgement that he almost admitted. He goes away for weekends and partakes in behaviour that could, potentially, harm him. And although I don't know all the details, he doesn't seem to be working much. I don't consider trading on the stock market a job, but that's just my opinion.

In this spiral mode, I see him as a complete hypocrite and failure. My biggest hope when I'm like this, is that he runs out of money and asks me to take the kids back - or something catastrophic happens and I'm forced to step up and take over.

Truth is, I have no idea what's really going on. I don't know what he's really doing and feeling, because on the outside, all we see is the happy exterior. He rarely shows if he's upset - I remember his comment once "do you think I'm so out of control... that I can't control my feelings when I'm with other people" (no, you don't have control issues ex (dripping sarcasm)). I can never tell if he's under tremendous pressure or if things are going swimmingly. Even if I ask, his one word reply is "OK".

I can't do this, it's just not in me. If I'm stressed, it shows. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, in full view of everyone who knows me. I don't rage at people (other than ex), but people can tell when I'm not happy. This is not always a good way to be, but I find it hard to strike a balance.

Working through this stuff in my blog is great therapy for me. When I started this entry, I was on the verge of a spiral, wanting to make him see how good and nice I am now, wanting his approval. Now, after laying it all down, I can see it for what it is and I don't care if he thinks I'm nice or not. Writing it down helps with the emotional distance I need to keep if I'm to cope here.

To really get over him though, I'm going to need to create a chasm - a 6356km chasm all the way back home.