I just don't get it

I don't, I just don't. Yet again another week where I thought I was doing really well, only to be told that no, you weren't doing well and it's weeks like this that make me want to go away for a week or a month.

For years, I've struggled to understand what it is he actually wants. He'd tell me things, but I didn't truly understand what he was asking for. If I'd understood, things would have gotten better. Now, when I think I know myself and what I want, I still can't see what it is he wants from me.

Yesterday was a terrible day - meltdown for both of us. So bad, I can barely remember the details of what we talked about. I know I wanted to talk about the way things were progressing - or not. Seems like the last few days have been bad ones - i know by the amount of time he spends with us (me and kids). But it's like when you're riding a bike and someone jams a stick in your wheel and you stop suddenly and go head first over the handle bars and spiral uncontrollably into the air -and you KNOW something bad's going to happen. And it did.

I was feeling strong, sure of myself and instigated the dreaded pastime - the "TALK". I never learn.

We talked for 20 minutes about I don't know what and then he had to leave to take our son to his piano lessons. When he left, I spiralled and I couldn't take xanax because I'd already taken some cold and flu medicine. I couldn't reach the doctor to see if it was safe, I couldn't reach ex to see if he knew, there I was ALONE and spiralling. Wanting to go home, just go home, knowing it's not possible, yet.

Later, when he came back, we talked some more. It calmed me, but completely stressed him out. There were three things we needed to discuss - again. The rash on my son's face, my son's shoes (he has a severely collapsed arch and needs orthotics) and, bloody hell, Malaysian politics. We had to discuss these again because ex needs to discuss things to his satisfaction - or from my perspective, until I apologise and agree with him. Keeping in mind how we are together, my perspective on what happened may or may not be true.

Even though I'd apologised already, I said I was wrong about the rash thing, and sorry about making a comment on a topic that is quite serious. My intention in both these cases was not malicious. I didn't do it to stress him out. He says he knows that, but it still does. I can't comment on anything without him thinking I've got some agenda going. And these things spiral around in his head and stress him out. Hmmmm, sounds like someone I know.

But when we talk, it's hard to stick to the topic and not bring in the past, the baggage. Damn hard. I want so badly to make him feel better, the desperateness is pathetic. Yet I can't seem to stop myself. I pile it all on and want to talk about everything at once and I want him to admit it's not just me - how can it be, there are two people here.

When I live in my reality, I am strong, confident and capable. When I live in his, I'm a timid, self conscious doormat. My voice and manner change. I feel bad about myself. I don't like myself when I am with him. But if I am any other way, he sees it as being defensive.

Wait a minute...there was that one sentence he said..."sometimes it seems like I'm talking to a normal person and it's surprising". I wonder if he'll remember saying it.

Everything I say, everything, he percieves as me wanting to put the responsibility of our breakdown on him. And as much as he does this, I want to tell him NO! that's not it. I don't blame you. I'm so tired, so damn sick and tired of us blaming each other.

Why can't we just agree on the facts. I'm starting to believe that there is no reality, only perception. Different perceptions are our reality, and if they don't match, then you shouldn't be together.

Again the thoughts, why can't I understand him, what am I doing wrong, why can't I fix this. I would love a mediator in the middle to coach us through some meaningful communication. To see and be shown what I can do instead, to make things better. And I just mean to be able to be in the same room together. Not as a couple, just as two people who are the parents of two beautiful children and who need to be able to get along.

I just don't know anymore, I just don't know. I don't think I ever knew, yet I convinced myself I could learn. And I did learn, but I still don't know.

Ex said that I still have issues - low confidence, oversensitivity to criticism, emotional instability, that I'm not 'there' yet. I talk as if I'm normal now and he's the one with problems. Like I've solved those issues. Of course I have issues, I'm human! I'm never going to solve those issues, they are a part of me and you know what, I accept it. I accept those flaws in me. My kids will have to accept those flaws in me. Everybody has their personality foibles, and I'm allowed to have mine (and when ex sees me as confident and strong, he calls it arrogance. I can't win).

I know this entry is confused and ill-written. I don't care. I'm upset and frustrated and this is how I feel. A day like this is a real kick in the face. You think you're doing well and bang! someone tells you a completely different story.

After venting the emotion yesterday (while son was out, as opposed to last time) I'm OK. Ex is worse. He's taking the xanax now, so it must be bad.

Today he said he's in no shape to talk about what happened and to let it cool for 2 days. I believed him and let it go. Took the kids for dinner. They deserve to do the normal things that families do, even if it's just with one parent present. They enjoyed their pizza and now they're playing beautifully together.

Me, I'll just blog, wait and see. This thing will blow over and things will return to our 'not so normal' way of life. On Sunday, we need to go to KL. We have to, otherwise we wouldn't risk such a trip. But our son needs custom made orthotics for his poor feet and we need to step up as parents and get them for him. They will be expensive and ex will need to pay for them.

I'm sure we'll both be on our best xanax behaviour.