Post Elephant

I want to be gentle, but it's hard when he treats me like an idiot and makes it seem like I'm the most stressful thing in his life. I have no opinion, yet he thinks it's me who has all the power. I don't understand why he can't see it.

I saw a tv show yesterday where a family who is in tatters, is put in front of the camera and the Rabbi Schmuley solves their crisis and does some counselling. I watched with fascination because the father, arrogant and self-important, reminded me of ex. Telling his wife, timid and with low self esteem, that she wasn't punctual enough, was this and that enough, that she should do this better or that better - OMG - JUST LIKE EX. His love for her was conditional, or at least that's how he made her feel. He didn't praise her, only told her what she was doing wrong, in his eyes anyway. I couldn't believe the similarities. And the Rabbi told this guy - "you make your wife feel worthless, you HAVE contributed to her low self esteem." and I thought 'that's me, THAT is me'.

Now I'm not denying that I'm also responsible for what's happened to our relationship. I didn't have many 'relationship' skills and my personal skills and confidence weren't what they needed to be. BUT, I forgive myself for that because I didn't know any better. I wish it had've been different, that I had been more mature, but I wasn't. I was completely naive and thought that love would be enough! Bullshit. I know better now and I do better.

But that's my perspective and my ex has a completely different view of what's happened in the past and what's happening now. And (note to self, yet again) that's why it can never be. If we don't agree on something as fundamental as what is happening right under our noses, we can never be.

And I'm not going to settle for that. My mother in law holds out hope for us. She says every marriage is like that, having it's good and bad parts, but we should stick together. I told her I'm not willing to settle for being unhappy for the rest of my life and he shouldn't either. This can't be as good as it gets. We deserve to love and be loved for who we are. There has to be more to life than living under a cloud of low self esteem, trying to please others. I'd rather live content and alone, than live like this. No, there has to be more to life and I will keep on until and if, I find it. If I die and I'm never content, then at least I can say "I tried".

My reality will always be different to what others see, just because I am an individual. I may be wrong, but this seems to be the way life is, for now anyway.