Well, the opening night has come and gone and all went smoothly. He does get home late, he does sleep late, but he IS working. He makes money - not a huge profit, but some is better than none. My Christmas tree decorating seems to have come off well, adding a nice, cheerful atmosphere to the place. We did a white tree with blue and silver decorations and iridescent blue lights - it does look gorgeous, if I do say so myself. That colour blue is my absolute favourite colour. My favourite thing to do at Christmas is to sit by the tree and watch the lights. Tomorrow, we are spraying snowflakes and stars on the windows - reminder to self, find out how to clean that stuff off!
On the first night, most of ex's friends dropped by the pub and brought with them their beer drinking friends. Drinking is a serious business here. I know people who go out and drink every, single night. Family men who work all day, have dinner with their families and then go out and drink til all hours. This town has a seedy underside that I never knew existed and is not evident during the day. Drinking, getting high, adultery, it's all happening. I know it goes on around the world, but for some reason, in this family-orientated, small town, I didn't think it existed on the scale it does.
Ex has spoken of men who have three or four mistresses and then go drinking with their friends and whinge about how stressful it all is. I wonder about these people, these men. How they treat women so indifferently, like they were some prize or object. I wonder how they perceive themselves and if they like what they see. I wonder if they've ever stopped to look at what kind of person they are projecting onto the world. I doubt it. They behave unconsciously, with little regard for other people and concerned only with themselves and what they want.
I have been 'unconscious' for most of my adult life. Getting around, without regard to the impact I had on other people. You're so in to yourself and everything is about you. Everything is personal. You're a victim, nothing is good, you whinge and whine to anyone who will listen. But do you change - nooooh, change is scary, bad and anyway, if you did make a change for the positive, what would you talk about!!!
I'm glad I can see now. I can see the impact of when I behave unconsciously, without thought or regard to those around me. Of course, the very nature of being more conscious means that I am less selfish, less self-involved and more aware of other people's feelings. I hope to teach my kids this, all in good time though. That's not to say I'm still not selfish or self involved. I am, but the difference is now I can spot it when it happens and make a decision about whether I want to change or not. Often the awareness doesn't happen until after all is said and done, but it's still there and I am glad for it.
Since the pub opened, I have begun to feel uneasy. That creepy, horrible feeling is coming back, ready to suck the hard fought-for happiness right out from under me. And I have no clue, yet, as to why I am feeling this way. I'm not sleeping well, so i'm staying up late watching awful late night tv. I'm not even as motivated to blog as much as normal. But I'm definitely unsettled. I want to whinge about Malaysia. I am thinking about home. Maybe it's because Christmas is coming up. I haven't started Christmas shopping yet, though the tree is up. I don't know if I should invite my in-laws around - I suppose I will when SiL gets back from Taiwan. Questions abound in my head regarding the proper present-giving etiquette for my students - they know I celebrate Christmas and I know they don't - to give a little something or not? I suppose it couldn't hurt or maybe I could bring something to class.... hmmm, I'll think about it.
I do need to bake cookies though... enough to give friends and other people a small something. My chocolate chunk cookies are my best bet, they are fast, easy and always turn out. I'll go shopping tomorrow for ingredients and get started.
It'll distract me.. because above all, despite my acceptance of this situation, I just want to be home with my family.
1 comment:
i think it's good you are being curious about your feelings, after the opening of the pub. it might be the time of year, it might be other stuff going on. but continue to be curious and ask yourself the questions.
being curious is a good way of putting it. it's a bit lighter than getting bogged down in heavy questions and thinking there have to be answers.
x
oh my god, the word verif is "stings". the first time i've ever had a real word
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