All I want for Christmas...

is a new, huge, hard disk. And thanks to a generous ex, I've got 250Gb worth. I love it. Updated operating system, new games to keep my messy mind busy and goodbye to my memory hogging, time-wasting old anti virus software and hello new, fast antivirus software. My old hard disk had been about to crash so rather than leave it, I followed the voice in my head that said ask ex to help you take it to 'computer repair guy' who I actually know, as he's my friends brother. But he doesn't speak English, so ex had to come along too. Good for him. Not only did he meet some new people to invite to his pub, but he was inspired to get his own dinosaur (6 years old) computer fixed which is now working as it should be. It is a little slow though. No matter.

And now ex is full of ideas of what we can do with the updated computers - install Quake, our favourite game to play together in days of old and network them both together.

STOP RIGHT THERE. I don't think so. I don't think I could handle playing Quake (it's a shoot-em-up game - I shoot him, he shoots me - it's better than therapy and a whole lot cheaper. ie -whattya mean I don't listen - crack, your dead! HAH!). We had loads of fun doing that (I know, very nerdy, but hey, who cares) and I know that playing it again with him would bring up all sorts of good memories and make me think about all the good stuff with him. Too painful, methinks, especially now, knowing I need to stay on an even keel.

The networking part - no way - if you're not sleeping with me, you don't connect to my computer - at all. Get stuffed. Gee, sensitive! But I don't want him to. I don't want him attached to me in any way because it's too hard. Fancy that, a computer connection having an emotional thing attached to it. Of course it shouldn't be, but it is. After all, it's just a computer right? But no, it's not just a computer. It's my portal to home, the place I put my thoughts and say things I could never say to him. Along with my bedroom, it's my private space and I'd be mortified if somehow, he found a way to see what I write here. He knows I keep a journal, but he doesn't know it's a blog that other people read it, albeit anonymously.

So, no networking and no Quake. It's hard enough to keep my emotional distance from him and networking my beloved computer will not help. So, no. Not now, not ever.

I'll enjoy my hard disk on my own, thankyou. :)