I'm still feeling unsettled and it's probably a combination of things. The pub opening, Christmas coming and it's pms time (note to men, or the three of you that read this blog - it's a real thing, not just a myth. I've charted it, timed it, calendered it and even given it a colour on my chart and believe me, and it IS a very real condition).
Rather than the nice smooth feeling of being happy, I go to and fro - from crappy mood to happy mood and back again. One minute I think the pub is a great idea, the next I think it's the worst and he shouldn't be doing it. One minute I like ex, the next I remember why I can't stand him sometimes, then the next day I'm thinking about what it would be like if we got back together.
It's a good thing I know myself well enough to see that these are just superficial feelings based on the fleeting happenings in everyday life. If I thought they were true, that these mini mood swings were a true reflection of what was happening, I'd be a complete mess.
I'm aware enough now that I can see what a mood is based on - perceived acceptance or rejection, reading in between the lines for something that is not there. Eg, Ex said goodbye and smiled at me - this is not a signal that he wants to get back together, though I could (and have) read it as such). We can read whatever we want into any situation, but just because we think there is a message there, does not make it so. And if I read it like that and find out later that it's not true (which it isn't and never was), I get myself disappointed, angry, go into a mood - blah, blah, blah.
Now I know it's my ego trying to feed itself some drama, to make itself strong again. Since reading Eckhart Tolle's book, I've been rather successful at putting my ego on the back burner and leaving it there. Ego's don't like that. My ego loves to fill itself up on drama, and can turn any situation into a huge deal, when there is no deal - not even a little bit. One of the books I've read said that if the ego can't be satisfied in the real world, it will resort to dreams in order to create the drama. And I've been dreaming, about me and ex, trying to please him or do things that make him happy and successfully failing (is there such a thing?). I wake up full of anger, hate and frustration and really feel like giving ex a piece of my mind - until I remind myself that this is just a dream - my mind wanting to create a drama, reminding me of what a victim I thought I was, filling me to the brim with negative emotions so that I have a reason to spiral out of control.
Understanding h0w the ego works and being able to stand back and see it for what it has been a big part of the turnaround that has happened inside my head. I don't have to believe that the feelings are true. I ask myself questions about what really happened - ie did ex do this or that, what words were used, etc. When I compare the fact with the fiction, the fact always comes out on top.
We can create any fantasy we want and convince ourselves that it's true, but we must always ask ourselves "what really happened?" and be prepared to be brutally honest. Delusions are not your friends.
1 comment:
Good one Jo. I like your self-awareness. Also maybe you have those back and forth conversation type things or emotion flows because you have to fill in the gaps, ie there's not a lot coming from ex and if you're not having conversations with a real person (ie friend or partner) to keep perspective, you have to end up filling in the gaps. i've done that before too. it's exhausting.
but blogging and talking about it helps. as you've found.
email coming soon my dear.
x
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