Mad mind ramblings, just for today.

My mind is racing like a mad thing. Have to make decisions but just can't seem to decide. What's for lunch - don't know, what do you want to do this afternoon - don't know. Make a decision. Demons are back, little things are hugley irritating. The more pressure ex puts on me to make a decision, the more I'm unable to make one. These are small things, but the stress is great. I just want to go away, have some quiet time, go on a holiday, have some happy relaxing times with some friends. I've been escaping by sleeping, only doing things when I have to. It's not all bad, but the good things require effort. Then when it's finished, back to lying down or on the computer or whatever.

My computer's going to be fucked soon. It's got a stupid clicking sound going on after it's been turned on for a while. It's not shutting down properly and it's leaking memory from somewhere - probably some bastard stupid program running in the background. Ex says it's my fault, I put all these things on my computer, you know how I am - NOT, screams my mind. I don't put lots of irresponsible things on my computer - I browse, blog and use Word and Publisher. That's about it. And I download a few songs via itunes. I can take it to be fixed, and I will, but I have to ask ex to come with me to translate the problem. Even if I could speak chinese, I wouldn't be able to explain it properly. I hate this place.

Need to buy my son's school uniform, decide whether to get the kids a hamster for Christmas, clean the house up, do some organising, get the visa documents together for Son's visa, and pretend to be happy, all the while fuming underneath.

Stopped the kids fighting. Ex had told Son that girls are the enemy, probably in a light-hearted way but the son didn't know that. So the son told the daughter and the daughter got upset. Ex is such an idiot sometimes. We're supposed to be so conscious of what we say to the kids and yet he says stuff like that. Idiot. God I'm mad, I can feel the rage in my fingers tips.

Poor kids. When they fight, like all kids are apt to do, I just can't stand it. I can't stand the noise, I can't stand that 5 minutes ago, I told them not to fight and now they are. I'm over-reacting and I know it, even when I'm standing there raising my voice at them, scaring them into submission. I hate the mother I am when I'm like this. I'm a terrible mother. I'm lazy and impatient, a big sloth laying on the couch. Horrible.

Ex just left and he already knows what's going on inside. I could see it in his face. That terse look. When he locked the grill door behind him, I was telling him that he should ring me and tell me what time he's getting home. At the precise second he locked the door, the anger in my heightened. I could see him thinking "what the hell did I do". When I'm like this he will do whatever it takes, just to keep me from spiralling over the edge. He's walking on eggshells.
I want to scream I hate you and cry and rant and rage. He's done nothing, really. His behaviour hasn't changed, he's been nice and accomodating, so what gives?

I don't know. I have a dangerous power here. I can ask for anything, and he'll give it to me because he doesn't want to tip me over the edge. Money? here you go. Dinner, let's get takeaway. Mind the kids, sure. I want to go away - fine, we'll work out something. Of course, there are limits and I won't ask for any of this because I think that I should be able to cope and he doesn't have money or anything else to give me. I think that I should be able to push through this, without any help from him. And I DO know that it will pass and that all will be calm again. I also know that it will come back.

It's hard to stay in the middle. I mean, to feel neutral about ex. I've loved him for a long time, even when things were at their worst, I still loved him. Now I can't invest in those feelings anymore, I can't acknowledge them, I can't act on them. And I know they are there, these feelings. I know my family can't understand why I still love him, but I know deep down that I do. On the other hand, I can't hate him either, even though at times, I do, with a passion. It's so destructive to my own mind and body and when I hate, it's a vengeful, obvious hate, manifested in scathing remarks and filthy looks. Not good for the kids to see. Not good for anybody really. And if I'm to earn back any trust or good will from ex, this is the part of me I need to keep in check. Ex doesn't deserve to be hated like this. He may be many things, but he doesn't deserve this.

I think some of the hate comes from not being able to love. If I can't love him, then I'll have to hate him to protect my ego. So I turn the energy that would be used in loving him to hating him. It's the same passion, just opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. That's my theory anyway.

When I activley control my ego, I don't have this back and forth fight in my head. Everything just is as it is, no more, no less. It's a better life, devoid of the manic ups and downs that are so characteristic of my mind when it's out of control. Things are smooth, we smile more and have more fun. Everything is good. But actively controlling that part of me is tiring.

Trouble is, when everthing is good, I start to think about what the future could hold. It's difficult not to think that way. I lose focus and think about what, truthfully, cannot be. And that's when the demons come in. Now you'd think "If I know this to be true, why not stop thinking this way?" Easier said than done. It's like an addiction. An alcoholic won't stop drinking even though she knows it bad for her and her family. Drug addicts, same thing. There should be such a thing as an emotional rehab centre. I'd be lining up at the door with bells on. I think at the moment these places are called psychiatric hospitals. Hmmmm.

Anyway, it's taken the better part of the afternoon to get this written. In the meantime, I've cleaned out my computer system and I'm going to defrag the hard disk tonight. The cleaner is here, we've had something to eat, I've completed my first exercise routine in months, I've spoken to my mum and I'm feeling better. So I'll bid anybody out there Selamat Tinggal (good bye) and be off to see what ex and the kids are up to.

Cheers

PS I knew it would pass. :)