I must have really traumatised him...

Today ex needed me to do something for him. He hates asking me to do stuff for him. He hates saying the words "I need you to do this for me...". He hates it because he thinks I won't be able to do it. In the past, I must have let him down many times.

The past on this issue is one of those unresolvable blurs of life where we remember things differently. I remember trying so hard to give him what I thought he was asking for and failing time and time again. I don't know if what he was asking me to do was reasonable or not. I just know I didn't do it.

For the past few years though, I have tried to do whatever he needs me to do. On time and thoroughly. So yesterdays obvious stress when he asked me to go to the bank and take care of a few things took me a little by surprise. Oh, but wait a minute, yes, that's right, I bailed out on helping him with the Chinese New Year decorations because I just couldn't take his criticism.

I actually don't know if this had anything to do with it, but I thought his obvious stress, compounded by his frustration with the bank, was a little over the top. But he's human and so he's allowed to get stressed.

The thing is, at the same time that he was asking me this, daughter came into the situation with her own stress about lost school equipment and ex started saying, well if you can't do this let me know and I'll deal with it. He said this at least 3 times in the space of a few minutes, all while daughter was having a panic attack about losing her pencil case (and of course, we were a few minutes from having to leave for school).

My point is, he'd given up on me being able to do this before I'd even had a chance to think. STOP PRE-EMPTING MY FAILURES, GODDAMIT. IT DOESN'T FUCKING HELP. I'M A CAPABLE PERSON, BUT YOUR EXPECTATION THAT I WILL FAIL OR LET YOU DOWN JUST ABOUT ENSURES THE VERY THING YOU WANT TO AVOID - FAILURE TO DO A TASK AND A COMPLETE MELTDOWN AFTERWARDS.

So I stopped him in his tracks. I ignored his stupid comments and dealt with my daughter first. In a rare moment of taking complete control, I said he should wait until I'd dealt with our daughter and that I would come and ask him what he needed from me before we left. I'd had enough of his whining about me being this and that and I just HATE it when he asks something of me and then wants to take it back. I can understand it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I needed to ignore his comments because, justified or not, they were not helping me and at the time, I remember thinking that he seemed like another child, vying for my attention along with the other children.

It felt good, telling him to wait and have him comply, whether he was OK with what I'd said or not. As soon as I'd told him, I was able to ignore his stress and get on with doing what needed to be done. I felt strong and in control.

After that, I took down a list of exactly what needed to be done and then went on my way. I dropped the kids at school, went to the bank, did all that needed to be done and then went to visit the autistic centre. When he called to check on my progress later, I was able to tell him that I was already finished and was on my way to the next thing.

I guess his expectations of me will never change, regardless of my efforts. It's something I have to accept, no matter how different I want it to be. I don't think that just because I got this one particular thing done, that it will change his expectations of me. I think they are hard-wired. He will always, ALWAYS, see doing things with me as difficult. I guess I can't blame him, when I think of all the times he's had to struggle with me to get things done, especially early on in our relationship.

But my question is, if my perspective of him can change after all these years, why can't his?