I'm pissed or maybe I'm just being pissy

Eckhart Tolle says that we shouldn't let our feelings get the better of us, that we should let them go as they are our ego's reaction to situations and we can choose to feel differently.

I'm finding this really hard to do. Before Chinese New Year, ex was talking about doing something together as a family if things slowed down at the pub. They did slow down and now he's decided to go away by himself and the 'family' has to stay at home. Then he asked me to organise to clean the pub for him - that means go there with the cleaner who comes on Sunday, open up and let her in for about 45 minutes and lock up again. Not much to ask, but then he took it back, saying he'll organise something else. I think he knew I was disappointed and then thought that asking me to do something for him wasn't worth the trouble it would cause later on.

And here's what I really want to say to him, that I can't say to him because of our fragile situation where I'm not able to 'rock the boat'.

WHY DO YOU GET TO GO AWAY WHEVEVER YOU WANT, AND WE DON'T? HOW CAN YOU TALK ABOUT DOING FAMILY THINGS TOGETHER AND THEN WHEN THE TIME COMES, TAKE IT BACK. WHAT ABOUT ME? YOU DON'T THINK MY LIFE IS A DAY TO DAY GRIND THAT I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM? YOU THINK WHAT YOU DO HELPS US? NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR... AND DON'T YOU EVER SUGGEST, EVER AGAIN, THAT 4 WEEKS HOLIDAY IN AUSTRALIA IS TOO LONG. GO AWAY, WRECK YOURSELF, SEE IF I CARE. OH, AND THE DAY TRIP YOU PROMISED US ON THE 8TH IS A PISSY LITTLE TOKEN YOU'VE OFFERED SO YOU DON'T FEEL TOO GUILTY. I CAN GO TO MALACCA BY MYSELF, I DON'T NEED TO TURN IT INTO A FAMILY DAY TRIP WITH YOU. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING TOGETHER, REMEMBER, FOR THE KIDS, REMEMBER. THEY'VE GOT SCHOOL? YOU SAID BEFORE THAT THEY COULD MISS SCHOOL, SO DON'T EVEN PRETEND THAT'S A REASON FOR US NOT GOING!!@!!@#$%!

That said, I'm actually really hesitant to go away with him and the kids, in case I can't handle it. I still get emotionally fraught and then need to take xanax, as the above shows. On the other hand, I'm really conscious of wanting to give the kids different experiences that they can remember when they are older. Still, if I'm going to turn it into a nightmare, it's not worth going anyway, right?