The day is still going, I wish it would end. I'm xanaxed and so is ex. We're OK though, I'm on half, then half again later and he's on 1. He didn't have lunch. We had disgusting McDonalds (which wasn't half bad because the burgers were fresh) and followed that by icecream. The kids were happy and I could just zone out for a while. Later, I apologised because that's my job. We fight, I apologise and then we try to forget about it. No need to analyse, it's not like we're together and need to resolve it, so we resolve it by agreeing not to agree and definitely not talking about it.
So he's going away for two nights and we're taking a day trip to Malacca on Sunday. We might see a movie, we will definitely buy some meat, fresh and lovely. Fish, mince, steak, chicken pieces, pork fillet and some pork ribs. Cereal and herbs that we can't get here. I'm going to learn to cook some new pasta dishes because I'm so sick of Chinese food. I'm buying potatoes so we can have it with grilled salmon on Sunday night, with salad. I'll get fresh salad mix and white button mushrooms. My kids love western food. Daughter has just informed me that she needs at least one weeks rest from eating rice. OK then. See what we can do.
When we talked after lunch today, he said that this was exactly the type of thing that scared him. That I can't handle situations that are spontaneous. My mind, my heart was screaming out for him to just listen to me, for once, just listen. He doesn't listen coz he thinks he knows what's happening. He said that when we go away, there's no room for error, because I can't handle it. We have to plan for huge margins of error. He has no confidence in my ability to cope with the unexpected. None. He's says it's like I'm autistic.
I can cope with situations - how else would I get around? - I just can't cope with his stress when something happens and I don't deal with it the way he thinks I should. That's stressful because he's making faces and rolling his eyes and I have no clue about what I 'should' be doing, so I just handle in my own (flawed) way. It's like watching someone dig a huge hole for themselves and then watching them jump in, like it was a good idea.
To top it off today, daughter's been asking me why I needed to stay so long in Australia in 2007. What could I tell her? I told her I was feeling very angry and weak and I needed to go home to get strong again. Why couldn't I do that here? she asked me. I said that I needed to be with my family because I knew that they could help me. I hope this was enough for her. I just didn't know what else to say.
Today has been tiring. And I know that underlying it all, I just want ex to be nice to me, to have confidence in me and my abilities. To smile at me and give me a hug and say that he knows I'm trying and that everything is going to be OK. When we connect on that level, life is Ok, it's bearable. But when I'm the reason for his stress, well, life becomes very, very difficult.
Time to cook and pretend I'm competent and feeling Ok. Thankyou for reading.
2 comments:
Sounds like a rough time Jo. Just a thought, when your daughter asked you about 2007, what you responded with was good. I'm hoping you also reiterated (cause I'm sure you would have said before) that it was nothing to do with her, or leaving her because she'd done something wrong. Who knows what kids think? Maybe she wonders why your son went with you, and not her. Like some sort of awful "Sophie's Choice" scenario.
Just a thought...
xxx Hugs from a Still Very Hot Melbourne-Town where the cool change has brought it down to about 35... But there's a sea breeze coming in the window right now, to where I'm sitting, and it's truly divine.
Thanks for the comment Melba and nice to hear you're cooling a little. I have told her it's nothing to do with her, but that she had to stay behind to finish her year at school, whereas her brother was still in kinder and it he was still little. She's accepted that as a reasonable explanation and it's true - she was in school at the time and it wouldn't have been good for her to come back and then have to start over the next year. hugs back.
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