Gee, days pass quickly don't they. The last time I wrote, it was Friday afternoon and I wasn't feeling so good. Now I look back, I could have predicted Saturday's colossal meltdown. I'd just had enough of everyone and everything and I spiralled crazily into to the depths of BPD madness, which I haven't had for quite a while, I think, though I know I've been close. It was a black day.
The trigger this time was of course, the news that ex was going away for the weekend but it never starts on the day. There's a build up of little, seemingly unimportant incidents. The imagined slights, the need to be hugged (that's always a huge warning sign) which is like a persistent ache, the snipey remarks and the whirl of hate-love-hate thoughts about ex that go around in my head, all signal a meltdown. Then I find myself in my room, crying, hating, getting angry, then feeling sorry for myself, then hating myself. It's cringeworthy stuff and I loathe myself for allowing it to happen but at the same time, I accept that it will happen occasionally - it's a part of me.
It's physically painful for my head when I'm like this and often triggers off a headache that takes a day or two to subside. I took xanax when I realised that I wasn't able to stop the thoughts from taking over, and although it was too late, it calmed me a little. You'd think with all the damn self help books I'd read, I'd be able to stop it, but this thing's like a drug. It pulls you in and you want to feel the pain, just to feel (if that makes sense) and then you want someone to come save you so you feel better and the pain can be replaced by affection and warmth and you feel loved and important, because someone is paying attention to you - a massive payoff for bad behaviour!!!
But now, that someone doesn't do that anymore. When he used to do it, it only increased the chances of it happening again. He bought into the whole 'save me' thing and only got slapped in the face for it when I moved away. Needless to say, he has stopped buying into that behaviour, whether I (or my ego) like it or not. Now that he doesn't give me what I want, when it does happen, the craving for affection and attention is worse, which is why I take xanax because then the craving is stopped in it's tracks. No craving, no meltdown, no problem! Simple. Sound like an addiction? it feels like one. When I've recovered, I can never understand why I want it so badly and often ask myself, why would I want something that I think is so awful. I can never give myself an answer.
This doesn't happen nearly as often as it used to and doesn't last as long either, which I'm grateful for. After Saturday was over, I still managed to take the kids to Malacca and get what I needed there and we had a fun day. I still managed to get them ready for school today. I'm feeling better today, though I've still got a headache. So it's time to rest up because I'm working tonight and have the kids and a few more things to take care of later in the day.
Ugggh, I exhaust myself.
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