Well, here I am again. In the middle of all that has been over the last few days, my computer crashed itself into oblivion and needed a little reformatting - if there ever is such a thing. Luckily for me I have the sense not to keep my data and my OS on the same hard disk so I didn't lose much of anything - at least I don't think so.
Ex and I are both recovering from the BPD spiral, as he calls it. I'm OK and my 'feelings' are back to normal. No, I do not want to get back with him and yes, I do want to be here to take care of the kids and let them be with their father. If you ask ex, it's the other way around - he's letting me be here to be with them - like I'm some mental patient, which I guess I look like when I spiral down. Every time I do this, I think it will push him over the edge and that will be it for me - kicked out, no kids. The panic about that always comes after, when it would be too late to do anything about it anyway. I do need to get control over this though, I just don't quite know how to.
So it's late, I'm OK again. Thankyou INC, Melba and Pete for thinking of me and helping me through this. I love you all for it. And Melba, I appreciate your straight-forward comments, really I do. Sometimes I just need to be told. Thankyou all again.
'Night.
Showing posts with label meltdown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label meltdown. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Through the mill and back again
The holiday I had, the four days of fat free, healthy, no dairy food or refined sugars, seems like a dream. If it wasn't for the 'personal health profile' sitting on my sofa bed and the scales showing me to be 2 kilos lighter than I was, I'd could swear it didn't happen. Side note: my blood profile shows I'm actually healthy, I just need to up my exercise and intake of wholemeal products.
I don't feel like I've had a holiday though. After I came back, I crashed badly. I wanted (and still want to) chuck it all in and come home. It was bad, really bad. I screamed, tantrumed and cried all day. I took xanax to calm the worst of it. Then, waking from the stupor it induces, I cried some more. It was the worst BPD episode I've had in a long time, from what I can remember anyway.
I am on the other side now, slowly climbing my way back to the normality I had created for myself. I'm not there yet though, things are still very fragile, the pain and anger are lurking below the surface, waiting for any opportunity to burst through. Ex, unable to handle the stress and tensions created by this, went for dinner at 9 and didn't return til 9 this morning. He's sleeping now.
Before I left, things had been going smoothly - friendly, smiling, comfortable. And I'd been having dreams (damn dreams) about getting back together and how nice it would be, now that I've changed and grown up. I'd forgotten our conversation about not fantasizing about reality, a serious mistake on my part. I thought when I came back I would talk about it with him.
Then I came home and found out that ex has someone else. Someone outside of this life, someone he cares for and wants to be with. There is no hope, for us, ever and it hurts like hell. I know before I've said I've accepted that, but somehow, somewhere deep down, I did still have hope that we had a second chance - even for the sake of the children. And I do still have some good feelings for him. Feelings that I don't ever think will go away.
I didn't confront him with my knowledge ( I do know for sure), but asked him instead whether we had a chance now that things were going a lot more smoothly. After beating around the bush, blah, blah, blah, he said "OK, you want to know? No, there is no going back. I do not want to go back there ever. The memories are so bad, I just can't go there." Then I asked if there was a third party in all of this. He said it didn't matter, he does not want to go back there. In the next breath he said he doesn't know what's going to happen down the track. I think that's his way of placating me - bastard, just give me the reality so I can deal with it.
My family would be looking at me now wondering why in hell would I ever want to get back together with him. I don't quite understand it myself, but I know that it's to do with the desire to save our children from ever having to part with either of us. I got it into my head that I would do anything for that not to happen and getting back together seems to be the only solution that will save us all from the pain that will ensue. That may not be rational, but it's the truth and this blog is where I put my truth.
So I want to get back together, find out he actually does have someone else and subsequently spriralled down to hell, kicking and screaming on the way and dragging him down with me. I was grateful that the kids were away with my mother in law.
In a single day, I destroyed any fragile confidence that he had in me that I could remain stable. He said he only sees it as a setback. I hope he's being truthful. As I sit here writing this, I want to scream and shout and kick and plead and grovel for him to get back together. I'm pathetic. The 'want' is so bad, I would do anything to get it, just like a drug addict.
In this mode right now, even with what I know, I don't know how to make it go away. Xanax is not the solution. I want what I want and I want it now. Not rational I know. I will have to be strong to make this desire go away, otherwise I will start making stupid, regrettable decisions that will destroy whatever fragile existence we have.
If you have a god, please pray for me. If you don't, send me your positive thoughts. I need all the help I can get. But I will get through this. I have to. My sanity, my children's stability and the rest of my life, depends on it.
I don't feel like I've had a holiday though. After I came back, I crashed badly. I wanted (and still want to) chuck it all in and come home. It was bad, really bad. I screamed, tantrumed and cried all day. I took xanax to calm the worst of it. Then, waking from the stupor it induces, I cried some more. It was the worst BPD episode I've had in a long time, from what I can remember anyway.
I am on the other side now, slowly climbing my way back to the normality I had created for myself. I'm not there yet though, things are still very fragile, the pain and anger are lurking below the surface, waiting for any opportunity to burst through. Ex, unable to handle the stress and tensions created by this, went for dinner at 9 and didn't return til 9 this morning. He's sleeping now.
Before I left, things had been going smoothly - friendly, smiling, comfortable. And I'd been having dreams (damn dreams) about getting back together and how nice it would be, now that I've changed and grown up. I'd forgotten our conversation about not fantasizing about reality, a serious mistake on my part. I thought when I came back I would talk about it with him.
Then I came home and found out that ex has someone else. Someone outside of this life, someone he cares for and wants to be with. There is no hope, for us, ever and it hurts like hell. I know before I've said I've accepted that, but somehow, somewhere deep down, I did still have hope that we had a second chance - even for the sake of the children. And I do still have some good feelings for him. Feelings that I don't ever think will go away.
I didn't confront him with my knowledge ( I do know for sure), but asked him instead whether we had a chance now that things were going a lot more smoothly. After beating around the bush, blah, blah, blah, he said "OK, you want to know? No, there is no going back. I do not want to go back there ever. The memories are so bad, I just can't go there." Then I asked if there was a third party in all of this. He said it didn't matter, he does not want to go back there. In the next breath he said he doesn't know what's going to happen down the track. I think that's his way of placating me - bastard, just give me the reality so I can deal with it.
My family would be looking at me now wondering why in hell would I ever want to get back together with him. I don't quite understand it myself, but I know that it's to do with the desire to save our children from ever having to part with either of us. I got it into my head that I would do anything for that not to happen and getting back together seems to be the only solution that will save us all from the pain that will ensue. That may not be rational, but it's the truth and this blog is where I put my truth.
So I want to get back together, find out he actually does have someone else and subsequently spriralled down to hell, kicking and screaming on the way and dragging him down with me. I was grateful that the kids were away with my mother in law.
In a single day, I destroyed any fragile confidence that he had in me that I could remain stable. He said he only sees it as a setback. I hope he's being truthful. As I sit here writing this, I want to scream and shout and kick and plead and grovel for him to get back together. I'm pathetic. The 'want' is so bad, I would do anything to get it, just like a drug addict.
In this mode right now, even with what I know, I don't know how to make it go away. Xanax is not the solution. I want what I want and I want it now. Not rational I know. I will have to be strong to make this desire go away, otherwise I will start making stupid, regrettable decisions that will destroy whatever fragile existence we have.
If you have a god, please pray for me. If you don't, send me your positive thoughts. I need all the help I can get. But I will get through this. I have to. My sanity, my children's stability and the rest of my life, depends on it.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Success and happiness - how do you define yours?
Today, we were watching Oprah, ex and I. Gary Zukav was talking about claiming responsibility for your feelings. Only you can make you happy and it comes from within. I get that. For a long time, I expected ex to make me happy and of course I thought that just because he loved me, he was also happy.
WRONG!
What I've learned is that no material things can make you happy. I've owned an Audi A4 and then an A8 luxury car, we weren't happy. I've lived in a lovely house made for two in the eastern suburbs, it didn't make me happy. I've had money in the bank when ex was earning $60/hour, I was not happy. We lived in one of the most beautiful places you could choose to live, played golf on the nicest courses, have two beautiful kids (they make me happy, but that's not what I mean) and sailed the Whitsundays. All these experiences, while I liked doing them, did not make me intrinsically happy.
In fact, believe it or not, I'm happier now than I've ever been, despite the bad days, despite being away from my family. When I say happy though, I think I mean in the sense of being happy with myself. That self-assuredness that comes from knowing yourself better than anyone else and being OK with it.
I was so insecure and unhappy for so long. Afraid to look at my dark side (the anger and the moods) which was creating a miserable life for ex and myself, I'd deflect any suggestion that I was somehow flawed. I was scared of seeing myself as anything but 'nice and kind', yet we lived with 'anything but' for years and years. It was the core of our unhappiness together.
Ex and I have been together for almost 20 years, a long time in anyone's book (except those lovely old people you meet who have been together for 50). I wanted things my way, I didn't want to change the way I did things or the way I thought. I thought I was OK and in lots of ways I was, but there were a few fundamental things where I wasn't, such as the way I dealt with my rollercoaster emotions. My fear of doing new things that were not in my comfort zone. And million other things that when you stack them up, look like one big ugly thing.
It's only been in the last 2 years that I've been able to accept that my moods and ways of doing things (I'm can be really absent minded) were affecting our life together, placing us in an intolerable rut. Once opened my mind and began to explore what was really happening, I was able to change and grow. For such a long time, I didn't want to change, for fear that I would no longer be 'me'. Yet here I am, still me, but managing the moods and and doing things much better now. So much stronger and yes, much happier within myself.
Now that we're through the bullshit and seeing things for what they are, things are better. We don't have much - we rent our house and I drive a beat up old 8 seater toyota. I have savings at home but there is little in the way of assets and savings for the future. We live week to week, which is one of the reasons we moved here in the first place, it's much cheaper. We eat well, our clothes are OK and the kids are healthy and well looked after. They learn music together and I can afford a tutor twice a week, so we're not living in poverty.
But I no longer define my happiness and success by material things. When I contemplate my life from my lumpy couch, looking at our second hand furniture and seeing the crack in the ceiling that lets the water in when it rains hard, I can see where I've come from and why I feel like I do. Every success I have, makes me happy. If my kids go to sleep smiling and laughing together, THAT to me is my success. Every day that I get through without plunging into a black mood and every meal that my kids love, is a success for me. Every revelation about what's happened in my life and how I can learn from it, contributes to how I feel about myself and ultimately, how happy I am within myself. Everyday that the kids get off to school with clean uniforms, white shoes, homework done, bags organised, lunch eaten, I count as a success.
I've had lots of 'losses' in the past, but without them, I wouldn't be able to count the life I have now as anywhere near 'successful'. But I think it is. I'm not saying it couldn't be better, it can always be better. But I'm happy within myself, I approve of myself and when I don't, I am the one that notices it and fixes me up. I do my own hard work now, not wanting or expecting ex to do it for me.
So now we're moving onto another stage of learning to 'unlearn' negative reactions and angry responses. We're learning together, managing our own baggage, not blaming each other. It's the best place we've been, ever. If you looked at it, you'd think that we don't have much of a life. But both of us appreciate how bad it was, compared to what it is now, so to us, our life looks good. It's clear and honest. And that's just about the best thing I could hope for right now.
G'night.
WRONG!
What I've learned is that no material things can make you happy. I've owned an Audi A4 and then an A8 luxury car, we weren't happy. I've lived in a lovely house made for two in the eastern suburbs, it didn't make me happy. I've had money in the bank when ex was earning $60/hour, I was not happy. We lived in one of the most beautiful places you could choose to live, played golf on the nicest courses, have two beautiful kids (they make me happy, but that's not what I mean) and sailed the Whitsundays. All these experiences, while I liked doing them, did not make me intrinsically happy.
In fact, believe it or not, I'm happier now than I've ever been, despite the bad days, despite being away from my family. When I say happy though, I think I mean in the sense of being happy with myself. That self-assuredness that comes from knowing yourself better than anyone else and being OK with it.
I was so insecure and unhappy for so long. Afraid to look at my dark side (the anger and the moods) which was creating a miserable life for ex and myself, I'd deflect any suggestion that I was somehow flawed. I was scared of seeing myself as anything but 'nice and kind', yet we lived with 'anything but' for years and years. It was the core of our unhappiness together.
Ex and I have been together for almost 20 years, a long time in anyone's book (except those lovely old people you meet who have been together for 50). I wanted things my way, I didn't want to change the way I did things or the way I thought. I thought I was OK and in lots of ways I was, but there were a few fundamental things where I wasn't, such as the way I dealt with my rollercoaster emotions. My fear of doing new things that were not in my comfort zone. And million other things that when you stack them up, look like one big ugly thing.
It's only been in the last 2 years that I've been able to accept that my moods and ways of doing things (I'm can be really absent minded) were affecting our life together, placing us in an intolerable rut. Once opened my mind and began to explore what was really happening, I was able to change and grow. For such a long time, I didn't want to change, for fear that I would no longer be 'me'. Yet here I am, still me, but managing the moods and and doing things much better now. So much stronger and yes, much happier within myself.
Now that we're through the bullshit and seeing things for what they are, things are better. We don't have much - we rent our house and I drive a beat up old 8 seater toyota. I have savings at home but there is little in the way of assets and savings for the future. We live week to week, which is one of the reasons we moved here in the first place, it's much cheaper. We eat well, our clothes are OK and the kids are healthy and well looked after. They learn music together and I can afford a tutor twice a week, so we're not living in poverty.
But I no longer define my happiness and success by material things. When I contemplate my life from my lumpy couch, looking at our second hand furniture and seeing the crack in the ceiling that lets the water in when it rains hard, I can see where I've come from and why I feel like I do. Every success I have, makes me happy. If my kids go to sleep smiling and laughing together, THAT to me is my success. Every day that I get through without plunging into a black mood and every meal that my kids love, is a success for me. Every revelation about what's happened in my life and how I can learn from it, contributes to how I feel about myself and ultimately, how happy I am within myself. Everyday that the kids get off to school with clean uniforms, white shoes, homework done, bags organised, lunch eaten, I count as a success.
I've had lots of 'losses' in the past, but without them, I wouldn't be able to count the life I have now as anywhere near 'successful'. But I think it is. I'm not saying it couldn't be better, it can always be better. But I'm happy within myself, I approve of myself and when I don't, I am the one that notices it and fixes me up. I do my own hard work now, not wanting or expecting ex to do it for me.
So now we're moving onto another stage of learning to 'unlearn' negative reactions and angry responses. We're learning together, managing our own baggage, not blaming each other. It's the best place we've been, ever. If you looked at it, you'd think that we don't have much of a life. But both of us appreciate how bad it was, compared to what it is now, so to us, our life looks good. It's clear and honest. And that's just about the best thing I could hope for right now.
G'night.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Days pass and I'm OK now.
Gee, days pass quickly don't they. The last time I wrote, it was Friday afternoon and I wasn't feeling so good. Now I look back, I could have predicted Saturday's colossal meltdown. I'd just had enough of everyone and everything and I spiralled crazily into to the depths of BPD madness, which I haven't had for quite a while, I think, though I know I've been close. It was a black day.
The trigger this time was of course, the news that ex was going away for the weekend but it never starts on the day. There's a build up of little, seemingly unimportant incidents. The imagined slights, the need to be hugged (that's always a huge warning sign) which is like a persistent ache, the snipey remarks and the whirl of hate-love-hate thoughts about ex that go around in my head, all signal a meltdown. Then I find myself in my room, crying, hating, getting angry, then feeling sorry for myself, then hating myself. It's cringeworthy stuff and I loathe myself for allowing it to happen but at the same time, I accept that it will happen occasionally - it's a part of me.
It's physically painful for my head when I'm like this and often triggers off a headache that takes a day or two to subside. I took xanax when I realised that I wasn't able to stop the thoughts from taking over, and although it was too late, it calmed me a little. You'd think with all the damn self help books I'd read, I'd be able to stop it, but this thing's like a drug. It pulls you in and you want to feel the pain, just to feel (if that makes sense) and then you want someone to come save you so you feel better and the pain can be replaced by affection and warmth and you feel loved and important, because someone is paying attention to you - a massive payoff for bad behaviour!!!
But now, that someone doesn't do that anymore. When he used to do it, it only increased the chances of it happening again. He bought into the whole 'save me' thing and only got slapped in the face for it when I moved away. Needless to say, he has stopped buying into that behaviour, whether I (or my ego) like it or not. Now that he doesn't give me what I want, when it does happen, the craving for affection and attention is worse, which is why I take xanax because then the craving is stopped in it's tracks. No craving, no meltdown, no problem! Simple. Sound like an addiction? it feels like one. When I've recovered, I can never understand why I want it so badly and often ask myself, why would I want something that I think is so awful. I can never give myself an answer.
This doesn't happen nearly as often as it used to and doesn't last as long either, which I'm grateful for. After Saturday was over, I still managed to take the kids to Malacca and get what I needed there and we had a fun day. I still managed to get them ready for school today. I'm feeling better today, though I've still got a headache. So it's time to rest up because I'm working tonight and have the kids and a few more things to take care of later in the day.
Ugggh, I exhaust myself.
The trigger this time was of course, the news that ex was going away for the weekend but it never starts on the day. There's a build up of little, seemingly unimportant incidents. The imagined slights, the need to be hugged (that's always a huge warning sign) which is like a persistent ache, the snipey remarks and the whirl of hate-love-hate thoughts about ex that go around in my head, all signal a meltdown. Then I find myself in my room, crying, hating, getting angry, then feeling sorry for myself, then hating myself. It's cringeworthy stuff and I loathe myself for allowing it to happen but at the same time, I accept that it will happen occasionally - it's a part of me.
It's physically painful for my head when I'm like this and often triggers off a headache that takes a day or two to subside. I took xanax when I realised that I wasn't able to stop the thoughts from taking over, and although it was too late, it calmed me a little. You'd think with all the damn self help books I'd read, I'd be able to stop it, but this thing's like a drug. It pulls you in and you want to feel the pain, just to feel (if that makes sense) and then you want someone to come save you so you feel better and the pain can be replaced by affection and warmth and you feel loved and important, because someone is paying attention to you - a massive payoff for bad behaviour!!!
But now, that someone doesn't do that anymore. When he used to do it, it only increased the chances of it happening again. He bought into the whole 'save me' thing and only got slapped in the face for it when I moved away. Needless to say, he has stopped buying into that behaviour, whether I (or my ego) like it or not. Now that he doesn't give me what I want, when it does happen, the craving for affection and attention is worse, which is why I take xanax because then the craving is stopped in it's tracks. No craving, no meltdown, no problem! Simple. Sound like an addiction? it feels like one. When I've recovered, I can never understand why I want it so badly and often ask myself, why would I want something that I think is so awful. I can never give myself an answer.
This doesn't happen nearly as often as it used to and doesn't last as long either, which I'm grateful for. After Saturday was over, I still managed to take the kids to Malacca and get what I needed there and we had a fun day. I still managed to get them ready for school today. I'm feeling better today, though I've still got a headache. So it's time to rest up because I'm working tonight and have the kids and a few more things to take care of later in the day.
Ugggh, I exhaust myself.
Friday, January 30, 2009
It's a hell of a day....
The day is still going, I wish it would end. I'm xanaxed and so is ex. We're OK though, I'm on half, then half again later and he's on 1. He didn't have lunch. We had disgusting McDonalds (which wasn't half bad because the burgers were fresh) and followed that by icecream. The kids were happy and I could just zone out for a while. Later, I apologised because that's my job. We fight, I apologise and then we try to forget about it. No need to analyse, it's not like we're together and need to resolve it, so we resolve it by agreeing not to agree and definitely not talking about it.
So he's going away for two nights and we're taking a day trip to Malacca on Sunday. We might see a movie, we will definitely buy some meat, fresh and lovely. Fish, mince, steak, chicken pieces, pork fillet and some pork ribs. Cereal and herbs that we can't get here. I'm going to learn to cook some new pasta dishes because I'm so sick of Chinese food. I'm buying potatoes so we can have it with grilled salmon on Sunday night, with salad. I'll get fresh salad mix and white button mushrooms. My kids love western food. Daughter has just informed me that she needs at least one weeks rest from eating rice. OK then. See what we can do.
When we talked after lunch today, he said that this was exactly the type of thing that scared him. That I can't handle situations that are spontaneous. My mind, my heart was screaming out for him to just listen to me, for once, just listen. He doesn't listen coz he thinks he knows what's happening. He said that when we go away, there's no room for error, because I can't handle it. We have to plan for huge margins of error. He has no confidence in my ability to cope with the unexpected. None. He's says it's like I'm autistic.
I can cope with situations - how else would I get around? - I just can't cope with his stress when something happens and I don't deal with it the way he thinks I should. That's stressful because he's making faces and rolling his eyes and I have no clue about what I 'should' be doing, so I just handle in my own (flawed) way. It's like watching someone dig a huge hole for themselves and then watching them jump in, like it was a good idea.
To top it off today, daughter's been asking me why I needed to stay so long in Australia in 2007. What could I tell her? I told her I was feeling very angry and weak and I needed to go home to get strong again. Why couldn't I do that here? she asked me. I said that I needed to be with my family because I knew that they could help me. I hope this was enough for her. I just didn't know what else to say.
Today has been tiring. And I know that underlying it all, I just want ex to be nice to me, to have confidence in me and my abilities. To smile at me and give me a hug and say that he knows I'm trying and that everything is going to be OK. When we connect on that level, life is Ok, it's bearable. But when I'm the reason for his stress, well, life becomes very, very difficult.
Time to cook and pretend I'm competent and feeling Ok. Thankyou for reading.
So he's going away for two nights and we're taking a day trip to Malacca on Sunday. We might see a movie, we will definitely buy some meat, fresh and lovely. Fish, mince, steak, chicken pieces, pork fillet and some pork ribs. Cereal and herbs that we can't get here. I'm going to learn to cook some new pasta dishes because I'm so sick of Chinese food. I'm buying potatoes so we can have it with grilled salmon on Sunday night, with salad. I'll get fresh salad mix and white button mushrooms. My kids love western food. Daughter has just informed me that she needs at least one weeks rest from eating rice. OK then. See what we can do.
When we talked after lunch today, he said that this was exactly the type of thing that scared him. That I can't handle situations that are spontaneous. My mind, my heart was screaming out for him to just listen to me, for once, just listen. He doesn't listen coz he thinks he knows what's happening. He said that when we go away, there's no room for error, because I can't handle it. We have to plan for huge margins of error. He has no confidence in my ability to cope with the unexpected. None. He's says it's like I'm autistic.
I can cope with situations - how else would I get around? - I just can't cope with his stress when something happens and I don't deal with it the way he thinks I should. That's stressful because he's making faces and rolling his eyes and I have no clue about what I 'should' be doing, so I just handle in my own (flawed) way. It's like watching someone dig a huge hole for themselves and then watching them jump in, like it was a good idea.
To top it off today, daughter's been asking me why I needed to stay so long in Australia in 2007. What could I tell her? I told her I was feeling very angry and weak and I needed to go home to get strong again. Why couldn't I do that here? she asked me. I said that I needed to be with my family because I knew that they could help me. I hope this was enough for her. I just didn't know what else to say.
Today has been tiring. And I know that underlying it all, I just want ex to be nice to me, to have confidence in me and my abilities. To smile at me and give me a hug and say that he knows I'm trying and that everything is going to be OK. When we connect on that level, life is Ok, it's bearable. But when I'm the reason for his stress, well, life becomes very, very difficult.
Time to cook and pretend I'm competent and feeling Ok. Thankyou for reading.
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