Today, we were watching Oprah, ex and I. Gary Zukav was talking about claiming responsibility for your feelings. Only you can make you happy and it comes from within. I get that. For a long time, I expected ex to make me happy and of course I thought that just because he loved me, he was also happy.
WRONG!
What I've learned is that no material things can make you happy. I've owned an Audi A4 and then an A8 luxury car, we weren't happy. I've lived in a lovely house made for two in the eastern suburbs, it didn't make me happy. I've had money in the bank when ex was earning $60/hour, I was not happy. We lived in one of the most beautiful places you could choose to live, played golf on the nicest courses, have two beautiful kids (they make me happy, but that's not what I mean) and sailed the Whitsundays. All these experiences, while I liked doing them, did not make me intrinsically happy.
In fact, believe it or not, I'm happier now than I've ever been, despite the bad days, despite being away from my family. When I say happy though, I think I mean in the sense of being happy with myself. That self-assuredness that comes from knowing yourself better than anyone else and being OK with it.
I was so insecure and unhappy for so long. Afraid to look at my dark side (the anger and the moods) which was creating a miserable life for ex and myself, I'd deflect any suggestion that I was somehow flawed. I was scared of seeing myself as anything but 'nice and kind', yet we lived with 'anything but' for years and years. It was the core of our unhappiness together.
Ex and I have been together for almost 20 years, a long time in anyone's book (except those lovely old people you meet who have been together for 50). I wanted things my way, I didn't want to change the way I did things or the way I thought. I thought I was OK and in lots of ways I was, but there were a few fundamental things where I wasn't, such as the way I dealt with my rollercoaster emotions. My fear of doing new things that were not in my comfort zone. And million other things that when you stack them up, look like one big ugly thing.
It's only been in the last 2 years that I've been able to accept that my moods and ways of doing things (I'm can be really absent minded) were affecting our life together, placing us in an intolerable rut. Once opened my mind and began to explore what was really happening, I was able to change and grow. For such a long time, I didn't want to change, for fear that I would no longer be 'me'. Yet here I am, still me, but managing the moods and and doing things much better now. So much stronger and yes, much happier within myself.
Now that we're through the bullshit and seeing things for what they are, things are better. We don't have much - we rent our house and I drive a beat up old 8 seater toyota. I have savings at home but there is little in the way of assets and savings for the future. We live week to week, which is one of the reasons we moved here in the first place, it's much cheaper. We eat well, our clothes are OK and the kids are healthy and well looked after. They learn music together and I can afford a tutor twice a week, so we're not living in poverty.
But I no longer define my happiness and success by material things. When I contemplate my life from my lumpy couch, looking at our second hand furniture and seeing the crack in the ceiling that lets the water in when it rains hard, I can see where I've come from and why I feel like I do. Every success I have, makes me happy. If my kids go to sleep smiling and laughing together, THAT to me is my success. Every day that I get through without plunging into a black mood and every meal that my kids love, is a success for me. Every revelation about what's happened in my life and how I can learn from it, contributes to how I feel about myself and ultimately, how happy I am within myself. Everyday that the kids get off to school with clean uniforms, white shoes, homework done, bags organised, lunch eaten, I count as a success.
I've had lots of 'losses' in the past, but without them, I wouldn't be able to count the life I have now as anywhere near 'successful'. But I think it is. I'm not saying it couldn't be better, it can always be better. But I'm happy within myself, I approve of myself and when I don't, I am the one that notices it and fixes me up. I do my own hard work now, not wanting or expecting ex to do it for me.
So now we're moving onto another stage of learning to 'unlearn' negative reactions and angry responses. We're learning together, managing our own baggage, not blaming each other. It's the best place we've been, ever. If you looked at it, you'd think that we don't have much of a life. But both of us appreciate how bad it was, compared to what it is now, so to us, our life looks good. It's clear and honest. And that's just about the best thing I could hope for right now.
G'night.
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