Through the mill and back again

The holiday I had, the four days of fat free, healthy, no dairy food or refined sugars, seems like a dream. If it wasn't for the 'personal health profile' sitting on my sofa bed and the scales showing me to be 2 kilos lighter than I was, I'd could swear it didn't happen. Side note: my blood profile shows I'm actually healthy, I just need to up my exercise and intake of wholemeal products.

I don't feel like I've had a holiday though. After I came back, I crashed badly. I wanted (and still want to) chuck it all in and come home. It was bad, really bad. I screamed, tantrumed and cried all day. I took xanax to calm the worst of it. Then, waking from the stupor it induces, I cried some more. It was the worst BPD episode I've had in a long time, from what I can remember anyway.

I am on the other side now, slowly climbing my way back to the normality I had created for myself. I'm not there yet though, things are still very fragile, the pain and anger are lurking below the surface, waiting for any opportunity to burst through. Ex, unable to handle the stress and tensions created by this, went for dinner at 9 and didn't return til 9 this morning. He's sleeping now.

Before I left, things had been going smoothly - friendly, smiling, comfortable. And I'd been having dreams (damn dreams) about getting back together and how nice it would be, now that I've changed and grown up. I'd forgotten our conversation about not fantasizing about reality, a serious mistake on my part. I thought when I came back I would talk about it with him.

Then I came home and found out that ex has someone else. Someone outside of this life, someone he cares for and wants to be with. There is no hope, for us, ever and it hurts like hell. I know before I've said I've accepted that, but somehow, somewhere deep down, I did still have hope that we had a second chance - even for the sake of the children. And I do still have some good feelings for him. Feelings that I don't ever think will go away.

I didn't confront him with my knowledge ( I do know for sure), but asked him instead whether we had a chance now that things were going a lot more smoothly. After beating around the bush, blah, blah, blah, he said "OK, you want to know? No, there is no going back. I do not want to go back there ever. The memories are so bad, I just can't go there." Then I asked if there was a third party in all of this. He said it didn't matter, he does not want to go back there. In the next breath he said he doesn't know what's going to happen down the track. I think that's his way of placating me - bastard, just give me the reality so I can deal with it.

My family would be looking at me now wondering why in hell would I ever want to get back together with him. I don't quite understand it myself, but I know that it's to do with the desire to save our children from ever having to part with either of us. I got it into my head that I would do anything for that not to happen and getting back together seems to be the only solution that will save us all from the pain that will ensue. That may not be rational, but it's the truth and this blog is where I put my truth.

So I want to get back together, find out he actually does have someone else and subsequently spriralled down to hell, kicking and screaming on the way and dragging him down with me. I was grateful that the kids were away with my mother in law.

In a single day, I destroyed any fragile confidence that he had in me that I could remain stable. He said he only sees it as a setback. I hope he's being truthful. As I sit here writing this, I want to scream and shout and kick and plead and grovel for him to get back together. I'm pathetic. The 'want' is so bad, I would do anything to get it, just like a drug addict.

In this mode right now, even with what I know, I don't know how to make it go away. Xanax is not the solution. I want what I want and I want it now. Not rational I know. I will have to be strong to make this desire go away, otherwise I will start making stupid, regrettable decisions that will destroy whatever fragile existence we have.

If you have a god, please pray for me. If you don't, send me your positive thoughts. I need all the help I can get. But I will get through this. I have to. My sanity, my children's stability and the rest of my life, depends on it.