coming to terms

I'm gonna look back one day and know I tried absolutely everything I knew to keep my family together. Ex wouldn't agree, but I'm beyond caring about what he thinks now. I know I tried and now I have to try to move on with my own life. I know I've said that before and been unable to do it. I don't think I'll truly move on until I'm away from him, back home. It's hard to get him out of my system because I DO have good memories of him and to accept that he has moved on is just. too. hard. And I don't want a life here. I want a life back home, with my kids, with my family. I DID NOT sign up for a life here. But then again, maybe I did when I agreed to come here in the first place.

Coming to terms with what has happened in our lives is really difficult. I never would have predicted that my life would turn out this way - that our relationship would end so horribly. I'm sure he didn't either. I often think, why can't we fix it? But we're not machines, we're people with emotions, biases, baggage and lots of other shit. It can't be done.

Ex came back yesterday from Indonesia. That's where he goes. That's where she is (I think). He says he also does business there. He'd told me about that when he called and I, absent-mindedly, asked him why he had to stay another night - and he told me he had a business meeting the next day. After he left, it took me a day to quell the storm of feelings inside. He'd asked me before he left, would I be OK? What was I supposed to say? No, I'm not OK, because I've tried so hard and now you hate me and want to be with someone else! And what kind of a father are you anyway, when you stay in your room all day and then go away for a week. Just leave us alone!

Of course I didn't say all that. I just said yep. No choice there. What was he going to do? Not go? I don't think so. I hate it when he asks me questions when there is no choice. I want to push his buttons next time and say no, I'm not OK. I won't.

I've signed up for some online counselling sessions with a therapist from Geelong. I need it, I need help. I hope she can help me because I can't do it alone anymore. I have to make sure I try to give her both sides, if I can, so that she can understand how to help me better. I don't know if it will help, but I hope so.

I've stopped going to the autistic centre for the moment because I just can't face them. They think I'm competent and strong, I guess I don't want to disappoint them. I'm devoid of ideas right now and that's what I'm supposed to do for them, guide their program with my brilliant educated ideas. I'll go see them at the end of the week though, just to check in. I'm still teaching English at night, still having my students during the day. I still go out with my friends occasionally, but most of my life takes place in this house here. I've been spending a lot of time in my room. I just don't want to go out and be a part of Malaysian life, but I'm hoping counselling can help with that one.

I did take the kids for a walk this morning. They'd finished their homework last night so had the morning free, so we went down by the river. Walking along there was nice, it was mid-morning, not too hot, but then suddenly I realised how vulnerable and alone we were, so we finished the walk quickly, with the kids being totally unaware of what I was thinking. I didn't want to panic them and of course, just because I felt vulnerable, doesn't mean we were in any immediate danger. I don't think we were, but I was mindful of the young malay/indonesian men across the river and it occured to me that if they wanted to, they could have caused trouble. They were across the river, but it got me thinking. If we walk tomorrow, it will be nearby here, where I feel safer.

I still cook, clean and get the washing done. I wish I'd do more, but I don't. I'm tired, so I save my energy for when the kids come home. Then I cook for them, help them, care for them and coach their homework. Then I go to bed or go to my room. It's the place I feel safest. Not that I'm in any danger, I'm not, I just feel more comfortable here.

When the kids are asleep, after their stories and nighttime routine is done, I come to my room to read or write or browse or sleep. Sleep comes fairly easily, thank goodness, cos the last thing I need are sleepless nights. Dreams are few and far between.

Well, time to cook. And distract this rampant mind of mine with a little music. I'm quite mainstream when it comes to music. At the moment I listen to David Cook, of American Idol - 7 fame who has since released an album which I bought from iTunes. It's the only season I've followed, but I'm glad I caught that one. I love it.

Anyway, really time to cook...