random thoughts

So here I sit, Sunday afternoon, kids at a friends birthday (first time for my son, ever) and ex still out of town, til tomorrow. I want to tell him not to come back, but I won't and he will (come back). The first two days after he left, I was a bit of a mess, to put it mildly. But now I'm OK.

I took the kids to Malacca for shopping this morning and got back in time to drop them at their friends place for the party. There were no dramas while we were out - we shopped, we ate, we shopped a little more, we left and got home safely. Not bad, given malacca is an hour and a half away. The house is clean, I am comfortable and at ease with myself. I don't need company. I feel stable and solid, though I don't know how long it will last.

A friend emailed me yesterday and told me not to put myself down. She said once it's on paper it becomes more real and you start to believe it. I'd told her in a previous email that I wasn't good enough for ex - I was talking about his point of view, but she's right. I shouldn't say those things about myself. She suggested saying instead, we just weren't right for each other or words to that effect. So I'll say that.

I got photos from home yesterday. Pictures of my niece doing her Debutante Ball thing. She looked stunning, as young girls of 16 are apt to do. She is beautiful. My favourite photo was the one of her with her Dad behind her cheering her on, looking very proud. He looks happy, so does she which makes me happy, cos they've travelled a bit of a rocky road in the not too distant past. I wish I'd been there to see her. I hate missing them growing up.

I'm thinking about signing up for online therapy. I can't get through this by myself and though blogging and friends have helped, the roller coaster I'm on is unsustainable. I need help. I don't know what my breaking point is but I don't really want to go there. It would be messy.

I fit into my smaller clothes now. You think it would make me happy, but while I'm pleased that I can wear clothes that have been hanging in the cupbaord for 3 years, I'm not ecstatic. My sister in law complimented me on the weight loss and then asked, with a happily expectant tone, whether ex had noticed and was he pleased. Who gives a fuck? I rolled my eyes and told her quietly and firmly that ex and I are over and I don't really care what he thinks (though I probably do) and that I am my own person and I don't need him to notice me or the things I do - I was feeling strong that day.

My other sister in law, has had a makeover. She's lost weight, had her hair changed and had some plastic surgery done on her eyes to make 'double eyelids' like we western people have. She's said she's always wanted them done and that her brother and sister have them naturally, but she missed out on that gene. I liked her eyes before. It doesn't matter though, she's still nice, though I hardly see her. Our kids don't get on that well so we don't go there and they don't come here.

Come to think of it, nobody comes here really, save for ex's mum and that's only occasionally. I don't mind though, it's too much stress and I know people feel uncomfortable here.

Ex was supposed to be home today but called from where ever to say he's got business to take care of tomorrow. Whatever. He'll be home and we'll both be back walking on eggshells.

So ho-hum, time to get something to eat.

Cheers