This afternoon was a really harrowing one. I'm glad the kids were at school, not that I said or did much. There's no-one here so it was just me. I've gone from the bottom of the spiral to midway and back again to the bottom. Now I'm at midway - doing OK, no anger but conscious that I'm mentally fragile. If ex walked through the door right now I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye. Shameful feelings of mistrust and resentment. You can't be decent to someone when you feel that way about them. And I do, no doubt about it. While I think he's got a brilliant mind, he's a good father and a very generous person, I don't trust him and I resent him for 'keeping us here'. Of course, I'm free to leave whenever I like, but with only one child. So I can't.
However, I did pull myself of my arse and get some things done. My anger was taken out on floors which are now vacuumed and mopped, then I distracted myself by preparing for tonights English class. I want to drop this particular class. My friend has asked me to teach these 11 and 12 year olds creative writing, but they're not interested, they find it difficult, and it's a really hard slog for everyone, me included. And I'm wary of letting her down whenever I meltdown. I want to let it go before she has to let me go.
Lastly, I checked out the qantas specials, fly to Melbourne from Singapore from just $579. The problem is that doesn't include a return trip and the taxes haven't been added. I'm looking at booking my tickets for Christmas soon. So far, Singapore Airlines is the winner. Direct flight to Melb and back (from Singapore) for me and 2 kids for AUD2631 or thereabouts. Not a bad price, considering Malaysian Airlines $600 more and the food stinks. QANTAS is next, with AUD2832, but their safety record hasn't been that great lately, so I don't know. My last trip with QANTAS though was fantastic. Lovely peaceful flight and pretty good food and entertainment. My last option is Jetstar who can take me to Melb, via Darwin for just AUD1995. However, we'd spend 16 hours of travelling each way because of the 4 hour stopover in Darwin (at 4.30 am in the morning) and the price doesn't include luggage and meals.
One good thing, to ex's credit. When I talked about going back home for Christmas the other day, he didn't bat an eyelid. He just said yes, OK, and offered to pay for half the kids tickets. I'm very aware that he could have said no, you're not taking two.
3 comments:
Could you ask him again whether you could take them both back permanently? Emphasise that if he says no you will honour that like you did last time, and just take them for a holiday. But say that you are finding it really difficult, and whether it would be something he could consider.
He may think differently now, especially as it means he would be free to be with this other person. And if he keeps things cordial with you, he'd know you could take them for hols to Malaysia, and that he could visit them in Melb?
I've also had the thought Jo that I don't want you to get stuck in between people giving you polar opposite advice on here. That can be very immobilising. With all due respect to Mr Scorpio, he and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of this. Maybe I'll gracefully withdraw a bit more - it doesn't help you to have us both shouting different things at you. Unless you say it's ok. Just worried about you hon.
xxx
Jo I think that Melbas' last post particularly the third paragraph applies to me also.
Both Melba and I obviously care and perhaps holding different perspectives may muddy the issues for you.
Best wishes to all.
It's OK, I know where you are both coming from and I respect your different opinions, so please go ahead and comment. I know you both care, so it's OK.
Melba, he won't consider letting me take them back yet, I just know it. I wouldn't dare ask, for fear of setting his alarm bells off. He's committed to staying here with them and just visiting this other person on and off. His kids come first and he wants to be with them, even though, as Mr scorpio has pointed out, a lot of the time he is emotionally unavailable. But if I go away or ask him to take care of them, he does. And he and Jilian are quite close and I can't bring myself to take that away from her just yet, when she's still so young.
xx
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