I don't think I can do this. Stay here I mean. I wonder if I can. I wonder where my breaking point is. I know I said I'd be positive, but this is what I do. Make stupid statements and don't follow through with it. It's what I did with ex. I'll change, I said, but I never did. I'm not changed. I'm still the same dysfunctional, broken person I always was.
Everyday I wake up and think OK, I'll make this a positive day. And I never do. Horrible angry thoughts run through my head and resentment at being trapped here runs though every organ. My heart is sinking and I can't bring it up.
I know the trigger. He is away, living another life with someone else (just for a few days, mind) and I am stuck here, holding the fort and doing the washing, his washing, and cooking and getting the kids to do their homework, everyday and every night and wanting them to go to school in Australia because there, the education is better and my kids won't need to be stressed about beatings and 'memory dictation' and getting homework completed.
I could book tickets today for a sunday flight. Pack a bag, charter a taxi and get the hell out of here. But I know I won't. Too weak. Too angry, I can't make major decisions when I'm feeling like this.
I just need to let it pass. As I finish writing this (2 hours later), I'm already feeling differently. The feelings are not so intense, I have no urge to book tickets and leave. I know this will pass and when ex is back again, I hope I will have pulled myself together so that he doesn't know about the harrowing feelings I've been having. There's just no way I could tell him and anyway, he's no longer interested in how I feel. But I can't afford another meltdown. I just can't.
For now, this is my lot. I have to accept it or risk damaging the family in a way that can't be undone. I need to remind myself again and again and again, just why I am doing this. I just wonder about the effects it will have later, when all of this is past. Will I be stronger, will my kids be OK, will ex change his mind about giving the kids a say in where they want to be and who they want to live with, will I ever dare to have another relationship, will I ever trust my own judgement again? All questions with no answers, questions I know I shouldn't even be thinking about. I should be living in the now, the present so that I can take care of the kids and be a good mum to them. I can't be thinking of myself when they are here, so innocent, stuck in a situation over which they have no control.
Ex always said that no matter what, I'd always do just what I wanted and I'd take the family down with me. He says that for me, I am the only one that counts and no -one else matters. I hope I can prove him wrong. But even if I'm stable and strong, just the fact that I want to go back and give the kids the kind of life they deserve, is enough for him to say that I'm just thinking of myself.
If that was true, I wouldn't be here, not in a million years.
4 comments:
I'm still the same dysfunctional, broken person I always was.
• Jo it is NOT you that is dysfunctional it is the bloody strange thing that you still call a relationship.
• Make no mistake though you are not physically trapped. Emotionally yes NOT physical. It is your emotional outlook and manipulation that has trapped you. It is J management that has reinforced this. I do not regard J as a bad person he is manipulative. The relationship/ marriage/ house sharing/ childrens welfare is gone.
I know the trigger. He is away, living another life with someone else and I am stuck here.
• Yes! That is correct. Now what?
I could book tickets today for a Sunday flight. Pack a bag, charter a taxi and get the hell out of here.
• No not a Sunday a Saturday flight. You are safe and well in Australia with a day to spare. Do not do this out of justifiable anger though. You are someone that needs to make this emotional break (and by heaven it will be emotional) so you and the kids can justify the reason. Do not come back here if it is only going to be one, two or 100 calls from J that will send you running back.
He's no longer interested in how I feel.
• Surely this is the emotional line that he has crossed and these circumstances must also extend to the kids to some degree. Forget the fact (and I quote) “that he is good with the kids” because this is now only at his week night convenience. You are the closest to them.
Risk damaging the family in a way that can't be undone.
• Come on Jo this is not a family in the traditional way, nor now any longer, in a convenient way.
Will you trust your judgement ever again?
• Not in Malaysia ever again I suspect. How about asking me if I would trust your judgement?
Ex always said that no matter what, I'd always do just what I wanted and I'd take the family down with me.
• Take the family down with you! This statement could easily be applied in reverse. Constant, emotional, demeaning reinforcement. This is part of the emotional manipulation I spoke of earlier.
Here are some statements and comments,
• That whatever you decide I know that it will be after a massive degree of contemplation.
• It will also be made after years of demeaning, emotional mistreatment by J wanting to have his way.
You have staggered through with a degree of selflessness that is amazing in my opinion.
J has moved on, has moved out on a weekend basis when it suits him, has put you in a position that no matter what your decision you will be bereft of his support.
If you come back here will the kids have a stable mother?
If both of the kids come back here (and how else) will they get better schooling and opportunities?
Were they happier here?
Will the kids and you receive conniving phone conversations from Malaysia and cause emotional stress? I will answer that for you if you wish.
How will you cope with that last one?
Jo don’t be under any illusions J has you at the house washing, ironing, teaching and caring for the kids whether he is there or not.
He is not there emotionally at the house he is there at his convenience.
As always you have my best wishes and emotional support at all times. I am sorry if it does not appear that way all the time because scorpios.. well you know me.
You're right Mr S, it's not me it's the situation.
You need 48 hours to book a flight online. I can't make this decision yet, I have to wait. If I make it now, it will be out of anger.
Would you trust my judgement? I don't need to ask, do I?
If you come back here will the kids have a stable mother?
I think so.
If both of the kids come back here (and how else) will they get better schooling and opportunities?
Absolutely.
Were they happier here?
Yiethen's happy whereever he is, truly, but he does love it there.
Will the kids and you receive conniving phone conversations from Malaysia and cause emotional stress? I don't think so. Not his style.
How will you cope with that last one?
I don't know - hang up on him I guess.
Thankyou Mr S, with all my heart.
Jo, is it possible to get some counselling there? Even online with a professional? The situation is intolerable as it is, perhaps you could use some help to work through the anger issues. Regardless of how they have arisen, the emotions especially anger are affecting you and making it hard for you to move on. (This is quite apart from the living situation and practical circumstances you find yourself in.)
It must be so exhausting to be on this rollercoaster and it's unsustainable. You say that you promise yourself you'll "change" and then find yourself unable to do so. Go back to your reading. Try Carl Jung - there's some incredible theories there about the self, and the conscious/unconscious etc. I think you are carrying stuff from the past, but even way back, before J.
This stuff bubbles up and affects us no matter how long later, if it's not dealt with. Is there stuff you need to deal with from the past? Dealing with that might make your current situation easier.
I still don't think cut and running is the answer. It will completely destroy any trust you have between you and J, will affect the children negatively. Regardless of what others say, you and J are in a permanent relationship - for the sake of the children it's important to do everything you humanly can to keep things smooth. Unless it is just too destructive for you. But only you know that point.
Hugs as always from Melb.
xxx
Ps Email me if you want to talk more about this...
I'll email you both and thankyou both so much for caring.
Love jo
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