To cope with the avalanche of feelings that have now engulfed me I have decided to take the only sensible measure left - I must exercise. I want to run and shout, stomp. I don't know if I have the right to be angry or not. I'm confused and miserable, but I don't want him to know about it and I don't want to talk to him.
So today, I ran on the treadmill. Oh well, walked really, because I'm very unfit. Exercise and medication are supposed to be the best combination to treat mental-heads like myself and it's the only combination I haven't persisted with. So I will run. Trouble is though, the gym I go to is really crap and the treadmill is small, barely wide enough to accommodate my size 9 feet. so running on it is a bit risky.
Melba wrote about karma today. Perhaps this is my karma - all those awful thoughts about him, all the anger - maybe I deserved this, that it happened to teach me something. Maybe it is all my fault. Maybe in life, I'm one of those people who need to learn the hard way. Fuck.
5 comments:
Jo, none of us really learn "the easy way." I know I don't. And is there an easy way?
You are not a mental-head!
Exercise is a great idea. Start slowly and build up so you don't pull a damn muscle!
I'm not sure about being angry that he found it and read it all. It was in the public domain after all. And it would take a superhuman to find it and NOT read it all. Would you have been able to leave it and not read it had it been the other way around? I know I wouldn't have resisted. I have to say I'm a bit surprised you weren't more worried about him maybe finding it.
You're doing the right thing. Just keep on with the daily stuff. Your equilibrium will come back, you fought so hard for it. And deserve it. And bad karma only happens to bad people. You're not one of them. But neither is he in this situation. It's just "one of those impossible situations."
HUGS!!!
XXX
word verification - aprecat. When you like your cat.
Thanks for the comment Melba. No, realistically I don't think there is an easy way to learn life's lessons. You know, it really didn't ever occur to me that he would come across it, especially accidentally like he says he did - I mean, there are millions of blogs out there. It was pretty naive of me, I guess and of course, if it had been his blog, I probably would have read it too. So there you go, nothing to get angry about. I'll work to let it go. We haven't mentioned it since it's happened, so i won't bring it up with him again.
I know we're not bad people, but we make each other feel so awful, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.
I like your word ver. :)
Jeez Jo Is it possible for you to put yourself down any more often?
There is no one on this blog that thinks you are “nuts”. No one I know thinks you are “nuts”.
The person that is responsible for your fragile state of mind is primarily yourself.
Jo, you know what myself and my family think of you and the respect we have for you so shake yourself off.
Your situation is unfortunate to say the least, how you deal with it is your call.
If it means losing more weight than me to get some self respect then do it and do it as well as you do all the other things that you set your mind to.
Remember you do them well in our opinion.
Sorry if this seems a little blunt (I almost used a “but”) IT IS UP TO YOU.
If I thought I could win I would challenge you to that weight reduction goal.
Come on Jo pick yourself up and do something that you want and do it as well as we know you can.
Best wishes.
Hey jo Mrscorpio is right. I believe you have the capacity within to deal with this. My father inlaw used this saying well before ron Barrassi got credited with it.
If IT IS TO BE IT IS UP TO ME.
Corny I know but I think of it as a trueism.
Positive thought about creating positive outcomes can be as good a way to maintain your focus as any and you never have to feel guilty.
Look for the learnign experience when life throws you those lemons you just gotta start making more lemonade. but no gas, gas makes me feel all bloaty. :-)
love ya Kido
Mr S and Pete, you're both right, it's up to me. I feel nuts, Mr S, even though rationally, I know I'm not.
But I'm trying to choose better and rather than get pulled in by all the negatives, I'll do my damndest to focus on the positives and just see my life 'as is'.
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