Let it go...

I'm feeling so much better on this bright and sunny morning which is actually telling me it's going to be a damn hot day today. The sickness is well passed and the house is calm.

Ex and I had a conversation yesterday about how to just let things go. Anger, resentment, awful memories that manage to conjur up all the most negative feelings - how do you let this stuff go. It's an effort and one that we are both making. To be chained to the past because of bad feelings about what happened means never being able to move on from it. We need to make peace with ourselves and each other. He's really trying. Doing the research on what other people do, finding techniques for separating the memory from the emotion and then letting the emotion go. Not easy stuff.

Our minds ask us "why should I have to do this?" and tell us that life is not fair, we shouldn't have to do this, it's the other person's fault. And while that could be true, hanging on to all that just drags us down. So we have to let it go, forgive ourselves and forgive the other. My own mind screams at me sometimes, asking me what's so wrong about having feelings, why can't I be allowed to feel these things. Why do I have to be rational when all I want to is FEEL? Because our feelings can destroy us, that's why. Our 'feelings' cloud our judgment and we make regrettable decisions, they generate toxic chemicals inside that damage us and set us up to be more receptive to disease, heart failure and stroke. Our feelings affect the way we talk and interact with those that love us and we end up treating those people like we hate them. What benefit does hanging on to these feelings give us? There are none. Nothing can be gained from keeping grudges and forever dredging up the past. It only serves to inflate the pain and turn us into victims and ultimately robs us of the control we need to live productive, healthy lives.

So for whatever I thought he did to me I will endeavour to let it go. I've been hanging on to our past, hoping in some way to be proven 'right', going over it and over it again and again, looking for clues to prove that he was responsible for the problems we had. I can twist and spin our past to suit whatever angle I want to take at any given moment. It doesn't help matters. So I just need to...

LET IT GO.

We're both trying to do it. I think it's good that ex is trying too, because sometimes it seems like I'm the only one making an effort - and a huge effort at that. So, good for him. I hope it works for him too, because he's a very hurt person.

The bright sunny morning has changed into a black, stormy evening. I hope it rains. It's been threatening to all afternoon. I predict it will rain around 6m because that's when the kids get out of school.