same shit, different day. It's just so hot here, I can't stand it. I'm in my room most of the time unless I need to do something outside. The poor kids are at school. daughter refused to do sports today because they are playing badminton on the field, in the heat. Are those teachers crazy? Can't they see it's not good to put young kids out in the heat like that. I told her to tell her teacher that her mother does not permit her to take part in sports today.
Ex and I are walking on the usual lot of eggshells. He's trying to keep out of my way and I'm trying to keep out of his. I can't convince him that I don't hate him. He can't convince me that he doesn't hate me. Yesterday though, when he walked into the kitchen, I jumped in fright. It's not a response you can stop and I did it because I was in my own world, cooking away and not expecting anyone to come in. It wasn't about him. Funny he should take it that way when just the other day he was saying that I shouldn't assume that everything was about me. I wish he'd look at himself sometimes.
I've been sick too which doesn't help. My chest, abdominals and shoulders are sore from vomiting violently after contracting some sort of stomach bug. It's funny because way before I was sick, I knew I was going to be sick. It old ex he needed to get dinner and not go out at night. I needed him and I really did. I coulsn't have driven myself to the doctors for the nebuliser treatment I needed after my throat swelled a little after the puking part. They know me well at that doctor's and the doctor is a friend of the family, so when I walked up to the dispensary window and said I.....(breathe)..... need (breathe)... ventolin.... the nurse didn't even hesitate. Of course she would have done this for anyone else too... I'm just glad she did it for me.
By the time I got home, I could hardly stand up so ex had to help me from the car to my room and consequently had to empty the puke bucket everytime I beeped him from my phone. The kids were good too. My son got very concerned, wanting to pat and hug me and insisting I drink lots of water when I got home. I love that boy - he is the light of my life. My daughter showed me compassion and bravery seen in someone much older. When this kind of thing happens and they can see beyond themselves, they show their true light - perhaps it's an indication of who they will be when they are older. I hope so. If it is, they will grow up to be two wonderful human beings.
We're both trying to break the hate cycle. It's really hard. Every tone, look, nuance is taken in the worst way. To him I'm curt and annoying, just being me and to me he is arrogant and dismissive. If we are with other people, we are not that way, but with each other, with all the baggage and horrible stuff that has passed, it is that way . Oh well, just let it go. So hard, but so necessary if we are to see this through with any sort of civility.
Just keep going, let it go and it will pass.
2 comments:
sorry to hear you've been sick. everything that seems bad is made worse by being sick. sounds like you are on the mend now.
re your thoughts re the kids. princess is displaying such teenage behaviours and attitudes now, it's funny and annoying in equal measures. i said to clokes that we are now in the teen years, even though she's only 12. and i reckon that the boy will be such a joy to have around when his two older sisters are being so brutal with my poor heart. well it won't be the other sister, it'll be my daughter, princess. she's so like me actually, and like ali. she's just in that period of being very ego-centric and not considering other people, which is a new thing. she's always been very considerate and polite. mmmm. and i'm just relying on the fact she will come good in a few years...
x
Under your guidance, Melba, I'm sure she'll come good later on.
x
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