Still wishing I was somewhere else, but not dwelling on it. Well trying not to. I remember some time ago, when I had the last serious meltdown and I was really wanting to reconcile with ex, just to make all the pain go away and of course, so we could spare our kids the pain to come in the future. Somewhere in that conversation, I remember ex telling me "don't come to me again when you're having a meltdown because I don't want to know - I can't handle it." I said I couldn't either.
And since that day, I haven't. I've had moods and crappy days, but nothing close to resembling what I'd done that day. I often wonder why this is. Did I finally understand that this was it - that neither of us could put up with the 'behaviour' any longer? Or did something else happen? I think about that day, on and off and I can feel the switch going off in my head - the switch that told me to just stop it - you can't have meltdowns anymore. You just can't, no matter how desperate you are, no matter how you feel, you just can't.
I think I also see that conversation as the last piece of hope for us drifting away. The words "an there are other people's feelings involved" often run around in my head. There was a finality to it all that had not been present in any of our other conversations. That was it, we were finished, finally... now lets do the best we can to get through this.
I don't even know why I'm thinking about all of this, when I've vowed to myself not to. It's almost like it's been knocking at the door, wanting to come in and be recognised and I've been doing everything possible to ignore it. Instead of confronting it, I've been reading news, checking email, reading more stuff, listening to and watching Adam Lambert on the American Idol website (I swear, that man reminds me of Elvis) and I've been really pushing myself to do more stuff around the house. Just so I don't have to face it. In free moments, and I have a lot of them, this issue always comes back. Knock, knock, knock, just fucking go away!!!
Interestingly, I haven't tapped (EFT) on this issue. Maybe I want it there, maybe I want my life to be a drama - because if I didn't, why would I be still thinking about it? The tapping guy, Robert Whathisface, on youtube, says that most of us get what we don't want because we spend so much time thinking about just that - what we don't want, instead of focussing on what we do (want). Makes sense, especially if you apply the laws of attraction, which I do believe in.
Tonihgt, my daughter and I showed my son how, if you relax and think about what you want and you have a good 'spirit' (mood, thoughts) in your heart, it will come. We were playing Monopoly Junior and my son was losing and not being happy about it, was considering cheating - we knew that because of the way he started counting and then trying to move his piece to where he wanted it to be. So we told him if you're happy for other people when good things happen, the same thing will happen to you and you will get more money. At this point, I was 'praying' it would work, just to prove the concept to him and you know what? It did, he relaxed a little and we encouraged him to congratulate his sister when good things happened to her and he started winning and eventually came second. So the lesson is, think about what you do want, not what you don't.
(Except that I know that I can think all I want about reconciliation here and I know I'm not going to get it - but I think that's just telling me it's time to move on - great! you try it and see how easy it's not).
Another late night. When I'm asleep, I'm good, but getting there is the hard bit these days. Don't know why. Mr Scorpio, thanks for the SMS the other day, it made my day. See, two words from you and I'm happy as I'll ever be! :)
6 comments:
And when we were kids we always thought what fun it was to be a grown up and be able to do what we liked.
Another way of maintaning positive thought is to get a picture that represents what you want or wish to achieve and place it on the fridge or a notice board or the back of the bedroom door. I to am agreat beliver in the power of positive thinking.
Pete
Thanks Pete. It's true isn't it? We think it'll all be so good when we can just do what we want.
I have a "vision board", drawn up in my notebook. It's basically little drawings of the things that I really want out of life - top of the list is 'together with kids' and number 2 is 'peace in my mind'. Then I've got the usual things that I want later like my own house, car, money and Christmas with my family. It's a work in progress.
x
You should consider adding to your vision board some pictures of at least a few of the following:
1. A lucrative international hip hop career
2. Icecream (any flavour other than licorice or durian)
3. Meeting a sane, single guy who actually understands how awesome you are and reminds you of this regularly
4. Some sort of cruise (please ensure the pictures of drinks have pictures of little umbrellas in them)
5. Telephone calls from publishers saying "We've read your blog, here's a huge advance on your first novel"
Sriously, I don't know you all that well but I firmly believe that you deserve good things in your life and I hope more and more of them come your way.
PS Word verification = moophorp. I don't know what this means, possibly some form of musical instrument found in an obscure Dr Suess novel, but I plan to use it often in casual conversation
Hi INC, nice to hear from you again. I'll add coconut and chocolate chip icecream, the guy is already on there but I was a bit shy about mentioning him, the cruise I want is around the Kimberly's at the top end of Australia and I'm sure to think of some more things, perhaps to do with writing.
And I'd love to be around that conversation when you use 'moophorp' LOL. Thanks for making me laugh.
Hugs.
Moophorp? Love it.
It has always been popular to invent new words for things or concepts which seem to have no name.
There are a series of Sniglets books(Snig'lit: Any Word that Doesn't Appear in the Dictionary, But Should), New York: Collier, 1984) contains just that.
A book on new words by Allan Metcalf's Predicting New Words (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 2002) is a fun read.
I have found the use of "zoophyte" handy when choosing to disagree with someones intellectual point of view. Not a new word just annoying for that person who I call a zoophyte.
Cheers to all intellectuals.
I always thought a zoophyte was what happened when the sunburnt zebra finally got tired of the giraffe's hilarious "black and white and red all over" jokes.
Was I wrong?
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