So how are things going for you?

Simple question, yes? No. I was trying to gauge whether ex was stressed out or not, given that he'd spent most of his time in his room these past few days. Answer to question was "Well, it's hard to tell you because there are issues of trust, appropriateness and whether you can handle stuff or not, so lets not go there. We'll stick to talking about the simple things." My reply - "OK, that's it then, seeya" and I walked out.

I could let this melt me down. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. Sitting there like a drama-queen, waiting to pounce and create a spectacular, attention-getting meltdown. I can't let it, even though I know I would love to scream at him about him being condescending and what the fuck have I been doing all this time anyway, trying not to meltdown - where has it got me, NOWHERE! Nothing I EVER do will change me in his eyes. Never, nothing.

That's what my egotistical mind is saying. And I know how unreasonable the above sounds and I make it sound like I'm doing all this for him and his damn approval. So where to from here.

There's only one thing for it. Not tapping, though I might try that later if the pit of my stomach doesn't settle. The solution is to turn away and not buy into the emotion of it all. Pay it no attention and IT WILL PASS and then things will go back to normal. Simple, yes? Easier said than done. So I distract myself with all manner of things - Adam Lambert being among those things that are successful in turning my mind away from all things negative. I play with the kids, I read to them, I watch tv and try to cook and as I'm setting out his (ex) dinner, I think that although I don't have to do those things, I do them for the good of our family atmosphere, in the same way he iron's my clothes.

So... onto other matters. I made my daughter cry today because I got angry at both of them. They'd been playing on my computer and then decided that they'd like to jump on my bed and hurl a few things around the room. Boy, did I lose it. And while I'm telling them off, my daughter thought the whole thing was a joke - and that really pushed my buttons. So I talked to both of them about how something like that can really hurt a person's feelings and that they shouldn't be using my room as a playground etc. I was visibly mad at them because they treat my stuff like well, like kids treat stuff. I know this sounds like I'm over-reacting, but honestly, I can tell them ten times quietly not to do something, but if I raise my voice a little, or a lot, then they stop and listen. And I've tried every other damn quiet way to tell them, positively (gee, I like the way your sitting quietly at my computer) and negatively (DON'T JUMP ON THE BED!). For the moment, the raised voice works, though I'll try to use it sparingly.

Anyway, after they'd had their talking to, my daughter was still crying and when I probed as to why, I finally got her to tell me that she thinks I'm going to leave now. That's the precedent I've set for her - when I get angry, I leave and she's left behind. Rather than just tell her I wasn't going to leave, I decided to go into a little more detail about why I left before. I said that at that time, I wasn't feel very well in my mind and the only way I could get better was to be with my family. She felt bad for me and cried some more, until my reassurances that it worked and I was feeling better now finally got through. I wonder if one day she will understand and whether it will make a difference. I hope she can see it, though if she doesn't, I'll accept it and do whatever I can to reassure her that I won't leave her like that again. I feel terrible about leaving her, but I knew at the time, leaving was my only option. If I knew then, what I know now, I never would have left - I would have found some other way to deal with what I was feeling.

However, we all know how wonderful hindsight is. That said, she seemed to recover OK and we had a pleasant dinner, which elicited the following exchange between my son and I:
Son: Hey mum, I don't see bean and onions. I see lemon pepper chicken but are we NOT having beans and onions?
Me: No, not tonight, I thought we'd have a break from beans and onions (according to my kids, we have beans and onions every night)
Son: Ahhh, that's the life! Walks away happy and relaxed.

I'm still a little worried about him. He's just so 'quirky' and fixated on things. All he talks about is school, teachers, their timetables (he knows his and my daughter's school timetable off the top of his head and knows some of the timetables of other classes too. I told his maths teacher this and she has a new respect for his abilities).

Then yesterday I was asking him why, if he could follow the rules at school, why couldn't he follow them at home. His answer "well, there are millions of workers in my brain, and that's why my brain is so big and the workers are bad workers and they make me jump around"

Me: They do?

Him: Yes, and when I put on my uniform, well those workers hate school so on the way they jump out and then I can follow the rules. But when I'm home, they're back in my head.

It's almost like he controls himself all day long and then, when he gets home, he just explodes. I know of an autistic kid that does this. At school, he doesn't flap his hands at all but when he gets home, he flaps so badly, his can't concentrate on anything else. This is what my son is like. That and the talking. The boy never shuts up - never. Except when he's sleeping. I hope when he's older I can channel his energies into something constructive.

My biggest worry for him is that he feels like we're telling him what to do all the time - or rather, what not to do. It'll affect his self esteem in the same way it affected mine. He won't feel accepted and he'll feel like he's the naughty one. And his sister is so tired of having to battle him all the time to get some things to go her way - he's rude to her (and us somtimes), he's stubborn and obsessed and just wants things his way and she's losing her patience. I have to teach her that while it's OK to tell him what he's doing wrong sometimes we just have to accept him for who he is so that he feels like we love him.

Even I have to work at that, because I can see it in his demeanour that with everyone telling him what not to do, it makes him feel like we love him less. And that of course leads to him saying things like "I wish you didn't born me mummy, I wish in the year 2000, I didn't come out of you" and "can't you just create me another sister because this one's being rude to me".

When I read it, it sounds cute and funny, but hearing it is quite different. It's heart breaking because I know from personal experience what he's going through. I just hope I can make it better. Maybe, in the spirit of "you're having this experience because you need to have it", I'm the one that's going to help him because I know what it's like to be him and I know what I need to teach him so that he can control himself better and be better at doing things with other people.

We all have a purpose and for the moment, I think I've found mine.