That's what I feel like today, following on a bit from last night. I don't know why. I feel lonely, shitty and to top it off, crabby with the kids. My son is driving me crazy. He's soooo stubborn, wanting to explain every little detail of his misdemeanours - what, when and most importantly WHY! His favourite thing to say is "MUMMY, I have to tell you something, and it's really important and I need to tell you right now". This usually precedes the WHY of something that he did or wants to do that I've already said no to ten times in a row. I never remember talking back to my parents like that.
And it's not like we haven't tried to stop it - "no means no", timeout, "stop talking, now", walking away and ignoring him and probably a dozen other things. But once he's got something in his head that he needs to get out, that's it, it's gotta come out. And being the main parent, who seems to do all the parenting lately, I get the brunt of it.
I know this feeling he has. Desperate, angry, frustrated that the other person doesn't want to hear you. It must be horrible for him. I can see the pain etched all over his face, a dead-set reflection of my own anger and frustration whenever I think I'm not being listened to. The pre-cursor to (for me) dangerous meltdowns. I hope it's not going to be the same for him. Perhaps I've given it to him, though he's never seen me meltdown directly. Maybe he picked it up in my energy along the way. I don't know and I don't know what to do about it. Most times I stay calm, but sometimes I get a bit beside myself.
It gets tiring, having to deal with it everyday. Not a day goes by that my son and I don't clash over something that he's done or said. In fact, I'd say that when he's at home, it's almost every hour. If I leave him be, it's OK, he goes and does what he wants to do, but I can't leave him alone all the time. There's things to be done, homework, showers, dinner, all the normal stuff that we've just got to do. For him to get these things done, I've got to be on him the whole time because he gets distracted. I can't count the number of times I've caught him doing something with his underpants half way up his legs because he's gotten himself distracted while he's supposed to be getting dressed.
When he was younger, a lot of people say, family included, that I was too soft on him and I often wonder if this has contributed to how he is now. I probably was too soft on him, but he didn't have anyone else. His father was too angry with me and in turn, rather distant from the kids, especially our boy and there was no-one else for him to bond with. We weren't near my family and it wasn't like ex's family came running over to play with him, though they didn't hesitate to tell me what I was doing wrong (not in a horrible way, they just said it), so he really didn't have anyone else. Just me. And I was a mess then too, so I probably was soft. It doesn't matter now though, what matters now is that I teach him some self control. And he needs to be heard, even if his thoughts don't always make sense. I've still got some time with my online psychologist, so i may email her about this, because I'm just not sure which way to take him - ignore the bad behaviour, try to control it, try to reason with him (he is only 6 and a half) or just ride it through doing the best I can. I don't have a strategy and I feel like I need one. That's the teacher coming out in me though and I don't know if he needs me to be his teacher or his mum - they're different doncha know.
In the meantime, I'll try to keep him calm, give him time-out when I think he needs it and listen to him when I think it's appropriate. And I'll make him some cowboy cookies - he loves those and they're not too sweet.
5 comments:
It's a tough one Jo. Six and a half is not that old, and boys can be so far behind girls. I'm finding this with our boy. He's ten but sometimes seems so little still. He has to be reminded stuff over and over, it drives me fucking crazy. Sorry to swear twice on your blog in a row. But it really does get to me. I think he's had so much done for him in the early days, and now more is expected, but not unreasonably so. He is just eccentric and quirky and dreamy and not on top of things sometimes. I guess I just want you to know you are not alone in feeling these things. He'll get better with time, but it's a long, slow road!
xxx
He just sounds like a typical boy to me. I dont know what your both fretting about. My 13 year old son still questions everything especialy when things do not go the way he wants. Smart boys learn early that they can wear a parent down by constant badgering, we just need to be smart enough and strong ehough to stand our ground without getting to frustrated. my wife is better at it than i am, but i do try. Take it as a sign of his inteligence that he questions things, he will learn more this way than by being watcher.
My opinion only but I might be partly right.
XXX
I hear ya, Jo, I really do. I've got two boys and they both do this. My 3 year old Cherub is particularly determined to keep talking long after most people would have read the warning signs and decided to let it go.
I am torn between two approaches. One is just sending him into time out really early, which at least stops me from going mental and screaming at him. It stops the dispute from escalating, but I'm not willing to be the type fo parent who thinks that what I say is beyond question and my children should just do everything I say when I say it and they are punished if they don't.
So, I try to make sure I remain patient long enough to find out what is upseting them and then discuss it.
Once they have been heard, I try to make sure I acknowledge what they say and then explain, briefly, what we are going to do about it and why.
If they keep complaining after that, then we move to "stop this or its time out"
On my really good days, I try to think of some activity that will distract them before the situation escalates.
This is all about as easy as nailing fairy floss to jelly. It's probably the thing I find absolutely the hardest out of all the very many challenges of parenting.
Still, I find that if I have a plan, it improves the odds that I will get it right at least some of the time.
Don't blame yourself for your children's behaviour. Kids will always be kids and I am trying to teach myself to accept that fact. We parents just try to do the best we can, much like our parents did.
Of course, this doesn't stop my father from being deeply amused whenever I mention anything my children are doing which reminds him of me. he takes great pleasure in reminding me that this is exactly what he had to put up with from me when I was that age.
I'm not sure this is helpful to me but at least it makes him happy. On the bright side, I seem to have turned out okay so I'm sure that my kids, and yours, will be just fine too.
UPDATE
I took around 20 minutes from when I finished writing that last comment for me to break every single one of my own rules. I ended up screaming at a three year old as loud as it is possible to scream whilst carrying up the stairs to his room and slamming the door on my way out in a stuning display of total parental immaturity.
We've sorted it all out now, parlty by talking it through and partly by jumping up and down with Cherub in my arms until he couldn;t help giggling.
So he's fine and I am still feeling overwhelmed with guilt.
I suspect I could learn something from this.
I hear you all and thanks for your support. It's certainly a relief to hear your stories and frustrations and know that I'm not alone.
Melba, your son sounds just like mine - in a world of his own sometimes and just not paying attention.
INC your approach sounds similar to mine and so do your occasional 'parental immaturity' - sometimes it just gets too much and I lose it and then spend hours trying to overcome the massive guilt.
Pete, thanks for the reassurance. He is intelligent, just not in all the conventional ways. That's not a bad thing, it just takes a bit of getting used to.
I'm sure all of our kids will turn out just fine.
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