From today, written while in KL, in my notebook, with my very sharp, lovely, mechanical pencil.
I'm writing this from a small out-of-the-way cafe in KLCC (shopping mall below twin towers in KL) where we had to go today because we needed to go to the Australian High Comm which is across the road from this place. Travel time: 3 hours each way.
The morning started out well, I was organised and this time I had the correct passports with me. But the drive up was awful. We were going OK, not talking too much. Half way through the drive I asked the wrong kind of question - one of those personal ones that is on THAT side of the line. Though he treated it as no big deal and answered with a simple neutral no, I did (make a big deal of it).
And then I began to react - badly. So I turned away from him, without saying anything further, tried to just ignore myself and take a nap instead. Wrong move. I could feel my face and body language changing and he'd not long finished telling me "I can put up with most things, but not THAT face" so I didn't want him to have to look at me. I could feel my energy becoming hateful and angry. Fuck you and your secretive bullshit, I was thinking, so shamefully.
Pissed with him, I began to get angry with myself, firstly for crossing the line and secondly for reacting way over the top. So, so upset with myself at stuffing the day up. So I tried to sleep it off, which he then interpreted as my turning my back on him. I just didn't want him to have to look at my horrible face. Despicable, self-loathing feelings coursing through my veins. By this time, I was feeling physically sick. Eventually I asked him to stop the car so I could get out. While out, I took some xanax and drank water, willing myself to calm down.
*
It's very difficult to come back from this point. There's an addictive-like pull that drags you down and you have to see the whole meltdown through. It's like vomiting - you know it's coming, it's going to be bad and yet you can't stop it - inevitable misery to follow.
First the trigger, then the thoughts, then the fighting, pleading, crying, feelings of such desperateness that you will do and say anything to smooth things over. Then more crying as you feel remorse and a sense of hopelessness, followed by silence and finally the apology, the admittance of wrong doing if there was was any, and a slow, careful return to normality. That's a meltdown in a nutshell.
In the cafe I'm sitting in, I'm taking my own sweet time over lunch. I am by myself, ex is off somewhere else, recovering from my stupid behaviour. We split as soon as we got back to KLCC from the High Comm. He said he thought it was best (he needed space) and though I agreed and it was my fault in the first place, it felt like he'd abandoned me. That feeling of having absolutely nothing is terrifying and hard to detach from. At this point, I am the most scared - scared that I will lose absolutely everything. I felt like crying, but luckily 'rational mind' kicked in and took me down an escalator before I'd humiliated myself by running after him.
Knowing how much I think he can't stand me makes it worse. I read things into his behaviour that may or may not be there and forget that he is under a tremendous amount of pressure as much as I am. I think he hates me, he's ashamed of me and my sour face and is embarrassed to be seen with me. Sometimes it's all I can do to stop myself from running away so that he's not burdened with me.
This is not the whole story, he has a side too. It's hard for him to be with me, to have any good feelings or to extend any sympathy or good will toward me. I am difficult and unpredictable, thoughtless and unaware.
I know that my friends, you lovely people included, do not know this side of me and may not believe it's true. But it is. It feels true. I feel like I am difficult and unpredictable.
Everyone has two sides to them. The light side that they show the world and the darker side that we keep to ourselves or only show those who are closest to us. I can't hide my dark side sometimes. It shows itself to everyone around within shouting distance, like it's waiting to be noticed, to be paid some attention.
Well it's time to get up and be a normal person again, not some weirdo woman holed up in a cafe drinking tea and eating chicken pie while madly scribbling on a notepad. There's an hour and a half to go before I need to meet up with ex. I wish I could just keep walking and be swallowed up by the crowd, bidding goodbye to my life.
But no, that's not going to happen. Think of the children, think of how far you've come and be strong. Today is just a set back. You'll recover from it and so will he. Go back to your life, be as normal as you can be and you'll be fine.
Promise, go, it's OK.
Conclusion, next post.
2 comments:
We do all have our darker sides Jo. I am with you in the difficult and unpredictable basket. I think you do have issues though with your perception of your unloveliness and unloveableness; it's like a real hurt you feel and I think that goes right back to childhood. I have similar feelings, and I know they are rooted way back. Ex hasn't caused that hurt for you, but he is (unknowingly I believe) triggering those feelings, as did my ex.
Hey, I'm glad you had the right passports this time, but also just wanted to point out YOU ARE ORGANISED EACH AND EVERY TIME YOU DO THIS STUFF. Because there is so much pressure and stress around these activities you do together (and it seems the kids were not with you, so it's a particularly "dangerous" time in terms of things exploding and happening) you have at times made mistakes and forgotten stuff. WE have talked about memory and stress and how it can be affected.
Hugs from Aus. It'll pass, try not to be too hard on yourself.
One suggestion if I may. I think there is a very hurt little child inside of you. Can you reach that child? Buy an exercise book or something similar: write out all that stuff. If you can get in touch with that little girl and re-feel her pain, then it can be really helpful for you to heal now. It's a wound that is not healing. Probably would be better to do this under the supervision of a professional - I know it is a treatment method. I have a friend whose husband had been treating her terribly, worsening over the years. Verbal stuff etc. controlling. He did some therapy, he had been a little boy who had been left by his mother etc parents were cold and remote, he was angry about that and taking it out on his wife, my friend. He had to keep a notebook diary, all the things he could remember from when he was little, all the feelings, and he had to let himself feel those feelings again. It all came out in one huge cathartic mess of sobbing in a closet for 3 hours, and since then HE HAS BEEN A CHANGED MAN.
I'm wary of suggesting this Jo because I don't think you have the support there to try this and you have to look after the kids, and maybe you have done this before, who knows... but it was just something I thought of. Maybe when you come to Aus you could think about it?
xxx
Glad to have you in the basket with me, Melba - I couldn't ask for better company. I probably do have some hurt or something from my childhood, although I thought I was pretty happy and I can't complain about my parents at all. I wasn't the pretty girl, always wore pants, got mistaken for a boy more times than I care to remember and even though lots of my friends were boys, I didn't really have a boyfriend til uni I guess, so maybe that's some of it. But I don't have a problem with the way I look now, unless I'm upset but I don't think anyone looks good when they're that angry.
And you're right, there's always more potential for a blow up when the kids are not around because we have to be careful when they are with us. It's a bit of a minefield actually.
I've done therapy twice in my life and neither of them suggested doing what your friends husband did - that's not to say I wouldn't try it it some form. I think my problem is mostly related to being chronically unhappy as an adult and feeling out of control of my life for a very long time and some other things like not understanding / knowing myself or how other people 'tick'. A lot of this I've learned about lately, which has lifted my confidence and my self-esteem, which has always been lacking. Being overseas has helped because the difficulties I've faced here have brought the issues to the surface where they've HAD to be dealt with.
So, yesterday has passed and the feelings with it. We are both now carefully returning to normality.
hugs back Melba
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