Family and Friends

It's been a busy couple of days. Saturday afternoon was spent cleaning the house in readiness for a visit from the in-laws on Sunday. Ex's oldest brother, his wife, their two sons and their live-in helper came down from KL for a rare visit. Now that the house is clean, I've vowed to try to keep it that way. I'm a bit of a messy person - for me, every horizontal surface is a storage area but I'm determined to change and teach my kids (if possible) that staying organised is a good thing and means you can always find something when you need it.

Sunday came and I was due to go to my friends house to visit for their new year. Thing is, I hadn't heard or had completely forgotten that ex had said he was going to come with us. I didn't really want him to come but I didn't want to exclude him either and as I was getting ready to walk out the door, he said 'but I'm coming with you'. I honestly couldn't recall it at all, that he'd said he would be joining us and I felt really bad about it because it looked like we were just ignoring him, which wasn't the case.

Even though I didn't think it was necessary for him to come with us, it turned out that we really did need him. Malay people you see, operate on their own timetable and even though I'd arranged to meet my friend at a certain place, she had decided to go to the cemetery at this time and so I would have been pretty stuck had it not been for ex. He was able to speak in Malay to the other friend (they are sisters) and get instructions on where to go.

I'm not sure what I was expecting when we got there, but it was all bit of an anti-climax really. We found the house, were shown in, said all the greetings to her and I think one other person and sat down in the sitting room which was at the front part of the house. The rest of the house was curtained off so we couldn't see to the back of the house and it felt kind of cut off. Then my friend went through these curtains, while we sat and sat and waited and sat for about another half an hour and waited for her to come back. There were some kids around but I we didn't see another adult until the sister came back from the cemetery. It was strange - this friend has 6 brothers and I guess numerous sister's in law but we didn't really get introduced to any of them. Then after a walk around the outside of the house, we had lunch, but nobody ate with us - it was just us and then later we sort of stood around watching the kids play with my friends youngest son - again by ourselves. I guess they had things to do on this day, but in the end I braved it and went through the curtain to find my friend because we didn't know what was going on and I could tell ex was getting a bit antsy (as I was) and the kids were getting hot.

So through the curtain I went and what do you know? A big room which extended way back into a kitchen. There were a few people there, but no-one introduced themselves or anybody else. Fast forward about a half hour and my poor friend takes me aside and tells me that her family has just had this huge fight and everyone is upset. I felt so awful for her, she was obviously really stressed by now and was so apologetic. Just goes to show that in families everywhere, there are problems. Oh yes, and the father was upset because some idiot had stolen their cow (worth a few thousand ringgit apparently), so all was not well in that house.

The next house we visited belonged to the sister who was supposed to pick me up initially. Here again we ate a smaller lunch (just to taste the foods) and had a drink. We met more people here and I think that someone said I was the first foreigner they'd ever met. Not hard to believe considering where they live. One of the relatives was a teacher at a secondary school so her English was quite good. Unfortunately my small talk skills are not good, so it was a brief, stop-start kind of conversation. Ah, what I wouldn't give to be witty and socially fluent - is that even a thing? Socially fluent? Probably not, but it's the best way I can describe what I'd like to be in this kind of situation. Ex had a better time talking to the people that emerged from the back of the house to see the foreigner. Again, we were seated in the best part of the house. This time though, my friend asked me to come back to meet a myriad of aunties and sisters in law. To my astonishment, the back of the house contained no sitting furniture at all. There was a tv and everyone was sitting on the floor. That was it - apart from the stuff and some cabinets and the lino on the floor. There were a few men around but I wasn't introduced to them and they ignored me - maybe it's a cultural thing.

After we'd finished here, time was getting on, so we made one last stop at the third (autistic centre) teacher's house. We chatted, had another drink and watched our son talk to everyone (he's not shy like his mother, nor reserved like his father) and sit outside with all the Malay boys, speaking English to them.

The teachers were sweet and if we're invited we'll go back again next year, but the visit confirmed one thing for me: Malay men are horrible. Now there's a difference between the Malays and Malaysians. Ex's race is chinese, but his nationality is Malaysian. He is non religious and therefore able to marry me. Malays are another race here and they form the majority Muslim population. The women wear headscarfs and the men do whatever they want. To marry a Muslim, you must convert. It's these men I don't like. It's not because of their race, it's the way they are. They are arrogant and cocky and treat the women (who of course do all the work) badly. The younger men walk around like they own the place (the streets anyway) and you shouldn't be there. They're horrible and give me the creeps. I feel for the women who have to live with them. I'm sure there are some nice Malay men around, I think I've met one, but they are rare.

The other races here are the Indians, who are OK and the Indonesians, who are here as migrant workers and who also give me the creeps. They stare, they're rude and again, quite cocky. In big groups, they are just plain frightening. But then again, a big bunch of Caucasian 20-something men who've been drinking are also scary - just look at Melbourne city these days. Full of scary men, beating up people for no reason other than they are there.

The rest of the weekend was taken up with ex's family from KL. We went for dinner, went to my MiL's place, I took sis-in-law for breakfast where she proceeded to ask me about the 'situation' and when I'd be going back. I told her some things and not others. The kids played the way cousins should, and my sis-in-lay discovered the delights of making pizza and pasta out of playdough - yes, it's a toy for all ages.

All in all, a pleasant weekend. I feel for my Malay teacher friend though - her sms to me today was along the lines of wanting time to pass quickly so she can get back to work and forget about her problems. You never can tell what goes on behind closed doors, can you?

When I think about the way ex and I have handled our situation, I feel good for the kids and for us, pleased that we can sort stuff out on this level, even if it does get a bit messy sometimes. We're both aware enough to realise that what we do will affect the kids directly, so we censor ourselves and we're civil and we treat each well - most of the time.

And I'm glad we haven't settled for being in a miserable marriage. We were never going to work it out being together as we were. In a conversation today with ex, he was telling me about another friend who is married an Irish girl and is living in Ireland with her and their two kids. They're not happy either, but he's decided to accept it as his lot and stay together with her, living in misery.

Life is precious and even though we couldn't be happy together, that doesn't mean we have to stay that way. We accept that we're not compatible now, even if we once thought we were and we've sorted it the best way we can, given that there are two other lives involved now. But I'm glad we didn't just think we had to stay miserable. Two miserable parents together or two happier, separated ones?

I know which one I'd prefer.

'Night.