Losing weight

I need to lose weight. The turmoil and uneasiness of the last few weeks have shown up around my waist in the form of a few extra kilos. Sugar and bread are the culprits in this case. I don't feel good so I eat, though not too much. My friend Kim has started a new diet called the Cohen's diet. It's basically dropping carbs and sugar like the Atkins diet but this comes with a special blood test and costs a whole lot more. In one week, she's lost 3 kilos, has more energy and can sleep a whole lot better. I'm happy for her because her diet before was so unhealthy. If you eat out all the time, as my friends do, your cholesterol level can get quite high and turn you into a walking time bomb for a heart attack. She wants me to go on this diet also, but really, I just can't afford the RM3,ooo it would cost. I may take on some of the ideas when I'm home and getting access to fresh, healthy food is a lot easier - and I don't need to eat to feel good.

I've been walking in the mornings, a couple of times a week, with the kids and a few by myself. We don't walk that far though and even though I sweat, there's not much puffing going on. I'm using the excuse that I'm so unfit I have to take it easy at first, but I wonder if later on I'll be motivated to push myself. I think I'm pretty weak in that area.

The exercise hasn't done much to curb my moods. Yesterday my mind got into a tangle when I started thinking of the past and had all these conversations in my mind with ex - imaginary fights where I say what I really want to say to him. It makes my ego feel good, but once I get ensconced in this type of stuff, it's hard to pull back which can lead to a meltdown - and ex has no clue why I'm angry because in reality, the now, he hasn't done anything at all. For him, it must look like my moods are random happenings, but that's not the case. If I think about us, the past and what's happened, I'm 95% sure to have a mood swing. If I don't think about it, I don't have one. Simple formula really. I wonder what it is about humans that makes us want to think about these things, to create the drama that it brings. Eckhart Tolle says it's the ego wanting to feed and I can really understand that. It's like feeding a monster and even though the feelings are negative, you still want them - need them even. Humans are an insane species.

I'm a little pissed that in the last few days, ex has taken to going out every night. It's like, all of a sudden, there's this need to go out. I suppose now that he's got a bit of money in his bank account, he doesn't need to think about it as much. Of course my mind is going a bit wild as to all the reasons he's going out so frequently but you know what's strange is that even though I have no right to expect him to stay home, I do want him to be here. Then when he's here, I don't want him around. Like in the mornings, if he gets up early with us, I don't really like it. I avoid the kitchen until he's gone back to his room. I don't know what that's about but I've found myself happily waiting in my room until he's gone - I just think if I go in there, there'll be something he has to tell me about - like, I need to maintain the kitchen better, help the dishes to 'flow' so it doesn't choke up the sink or some other thing like that. And that's what I can't stand to here. Him telling me what I should be doing when there's a pile of dishes in the sink that he should have done hours ago.

Ahhh, the crap in everyday life. I can honestly say that I have no incilination to get married again. Not at all. I'd happily have a boyfriend or something like that, but a husband, no thanks. I think now that I know who I am and I've had the opportunity to have my own space, I wouldn't really want to share it that closely with anyone again. I like having my own room, my own space where I can do my own thing and have my things around me that make me happy. Of course, I think this is a reaction to feeling completely smothered and unhappy for the last 18 years. yes, it's going to be different next time, if there is a next time.

Time to go. The kids need lunch, then there's school, student's coming over, cooking to be done and tonight I want to go out with Kim and see how she's going. Jilian's visa paperwork is all organised and now just waiting for ex to take it to the education department which looks like it will happen next week. Needs to be done 7 working days before it expires, so we need to keep an eye on the time.

I hope your lives are happy and exciting and you're all busy with kids and family and stuff. The countdown is on. 6 weeks and 1 day before we leave. My minds telling me I'm making too much of it - to tone it down a little so I don't blow the whole 'going back home' thing out of proportion.

Anyway, back to life. Have a good day, you five lovely people.