It's been a messy week. The meltdown happened yesterday at precisely 7pm, an hour and a hlf before I had to go to teach English and I hadn't even cooked dinner yet. Everything just got too much. All the issues, bound together into one big mess inside my mind, just wanting to explode and yell and scream and get out of here. I took half a xanax and then asked ex to come in. Strange as it may sound, talking to him is the one thing that calms me almost immediately. Maybe it's the attention I percieve I'm getting, maybe it's the way he listens and offers advice. I don't know. He always keeps his emotional distance when he's doing this and he always shares part of what he's going through, I guess in the hope that I'll see I'm not the only one with problems. I call him in because it's all I've got. Only him, and it works every time. I never tell him the triggers because it's usually him or something he's done and I know better than anyone that "what he does" isn't the real issue anyway. It's the situation and the helplessness and the lack of control that's the issue. Things I can't change right now - when he asks the inevitable "What's wrong, is it something I've done?" I usually mumble "nothing, no everything, no, just the same shit", because it is shit. It's just my ego wanting to be a victim. I can't change the situation (yet), I can't change his feelings about me and I can't change him, so it's all just what I make of it. If I make it a big deal, it will be. If I make it a little thing, then that's what it is.
I've thought about going to KL for a few days, but really, what am I going to do there? And it feels like I'm running away, which I don't want to do. Maybe I do need a few days off but overall I don't think it will make much difference. I've just got to power on through and try to make things better for myself - and keep on doing the things that work - vitamins, exercise (been walking in the morning with kids), working, routine and getting enough sleep. Easier said than done, especially the exercise and I have been forgetting to take my vitamins.
My son's been really getting on my nerves, which doesn't help. It's like he's down here with me, in the spiral, though I don't want to label him. He's been forgetting things, he's temperamental, extra rude this week and is even more obsessed with the Wiggles, if that is even possible. This morning he romped in before 7 and without so much as a "good morning mummy" he launched into why the Wiggle had this guitar or played that guitar in that song. I'm very close to banning him from watching them at all because it's driving us all nuts (well, myself and Jilian, because ex doesn't spend enough time with him to notice), but if I ban him, it'll break his heart. He just LOVES them - their dances, their songs, Murray and his many guitars. I don't want to do that to him, but if it gets any worse, I won't have a choice.
There's so much to write, but I'm so tired. No xanax today but I was up early this morning taking Jilian to school - she now has Saturday tuition for 4 hours in the morning and has to be at school at 8am. Lovely! It's made Saturdays really busy because on top of that she also has a piano lesson and I teach my English class - which she is now missing out on because of this 'tuition'.
I really don't like the school system here but if I start whingeing about it, I'll never stop.
So I'll stop right here and wish you good night.
2 comments:
Hey Jo
I hope you woke up feeling a little better and that today has gone ok. These ups and downs are normal in a "normal" family but your situation is harder than most. You do really very well as it is, lovely. I know it drives you crazy but at least your son has the Wiggles. In buddhism I learnt about the "precious jewel." It is the person who you find very hard to be with, because they seem to push all your buttons. Sometimes they can be a friend, sometimes a relative. He might be your precious jewel, in the buddhist way as well as the normal precious, love-love way.
It's great you can express it. And you are being authentic with your reactions and responses.
x
Thanks Melba. Today was better. That's an interesting buddhist idea - I haven't heard of that. Sometimes I look at him and he is my 'precious jewel'. He doesn't mean it, there's no agenda there to push my buttons, but he does. I see alot of my adult self in him - like when he gets in trouble he's desperate to explain himself out of the situation. I know exactly how he feels - you just HAVE to speak, no matter that someone else has another side to the story.
Watching him and his sister is like watching the mini versions of ex and myself - both of them can be both of us just because they have our mannerisms and qualities and at the same time, they are themselves too. It's really bizarre how similar they are to us. I have a thought that one of the reasons I've learned what I have, is so that I can give to him what he needs - to teach him so that he doesn't have to go through the same pains. Of course he'll make his mistakes but I will be right there along side him to understand and then gently guide him in the direction he needs to go. I hope I can do that.
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