There was no doubt in my mind yesterday that ex was highly stressed at the time of him calling me about our daughter's visa. I didn't invent that.
What I did later in the afternoon, was to imagine his worst possible reaction when he came back and make it seem like it was really going to happen. I guess it could have, but it didn't.
None of it. As the day wore on, the stress for me got much less as I pulled myself out of the 'waiting on the couch' mode and got back into what I needed to do - cook dinner, pick up the kids from school and keep calm while a heavy downpour soaked my pants and shoes while I was picking them up.
Ex finally got back at about 11pm and was his normal and pretty happy self. He'd been able to 'let it go' and get on with his day. The visa is done, he got a warning instead of a fine and the money that I sent him was used to pay an unexpected increase in the fee.
What we need to remember for next time is that if we can't pick up the visa on time, we need to go to over the border to get a 3 month social visit pass to tide us over that period. What I didn't know was that last time this happened, ex had paid extra to have to have the visa expedited quickly. I didn't know that or if he told me, I'd forgotten. So I must remember, that with whatever visa we are renewing, if it's not processed in time, we need to take a little detour via Singapore.
What I've learned from this finally is that when ex does get upset, I don't have to take it on. I don't need to fix it. He can and does, calm himself down and gets over it without me having to do anything. This is the second time this week that he's done that. The other time was when I'd left my phone at home and he needed to contact me and I've been forgetting to bring my phone out with me quite frequently.
Anyway, whatever drama I'd imagined there was going to be, absolutely did not happen and I could have had a perfectly good afternoon instead of the one I did have.
4 comments:
It is all progress long road first steps all that sort of thing. Wonderfull the glass is half full and we have found another way of creating an improvement.
I get up every morning and realise that just being one of the ones that is still here to appreciate the new day is pretty special.
Love Pete
Progress indeed, I'm just glad I noticed it. Glass half full is certainly a better way of looking at things.
Right now, the glass half empty says that ex doesn't spend enough time with kids. Glass half full says that at least he is here.
Thanks.
Jo, you can only encourage him to spend more time with the children, let him know how important you think he is in their lives and how special that relation ship is to them he is their Dad, no one can take that from him but only he can nurture it.Your friendship (relationship) with him is not dead, just changed. only two and a bit weeks now. Pete
Hey Jo, I've just caught up on the last few posts and I'm glad I waited until this happier one to comment. It's good it worked out, and yes, you can see the progress. I can see it, from where I read, over here, so far away. It's clear.
I'm really pleased that things can smooth over a lot quicker than they used to. This is to BOTH your credit, but yours mainly because you have made huge strides in making changes.
Things like visa renewals are so stressful at the best of times. I was recently in a situation (here, in manageable Australia, nothing like say the bureaucracy of Turkey, or Malaysia, probably) where my passport had expired without me realising it, and then suddenly my ex was wanting a copy of it so I could send a letter of invitation for his gf to get a visa (like I did last year.) I don't mind doing it, but fuck, there I am, him needing this piece of paper like tomorrow, and me looking at 10 days to get it. THEN the photo (which I'd seen was shit) was rejected by the pp office, delaying things further. Luckily, in the meantime, he'd emailed me saying she was no longer coming, and not to worry about it. Then, a week later, I get another email saying she's coming, but that they thought they could arrange the visa without my help.
BLOODY HELL.
So even divorced for ten years, I'm still doing this sort of thing. Which is ok. He pays school fees for our daughter, and is a very good father. The difference now is, I'm detached. I don't have emotional reactions like I used to. This has taken time but you do get there!
xxx
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