It's been a slow week. My neck hurts and yesterday I was stretching my back and pulled a muscle so I feel like a bit of a train wreck. I will do my best to hide my pains because there's no point in telling him and I'll avoid the "you've got to be careful how you bend down/lift things" talk that he finds it necessary to give whenever something like this happens. My back was injured years ago when one of my students decided to sit down while I was trying to coax him to follow me. He pulled me and my back did a slight click, which didn't hurt, but a few minutes later I knew something was very wrong. I returned to work a month later having spent most of my time laying flat or in physiotherapy. Now, all it takes is a little stretch the wrong way and I end up having to be very careful for the next few days. It's not as bad as the first time it happened, for sure, but it's quite tender.
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Yesterday ex left very early to go and pick up our daughter's visa and do some work with a client. I've actually been wanting him to go away so that we could have a break from each other. That's a good sign, me wanting him to go away. After I was able to manage the last meltdown
(yuk, I've just been out to make myself some coffee and discovered signs of another rat in the kitchen - I hate this place) and let go of whatever was making me angry, I noticed a change in ex's behaviour towards me - when he talked to me, he'd just mumble one or two words which I could barely understand and then go back to his room. I couldn't help myself and had to ask what was wrong and he told me there was nothing wrong (in fact nothing I do affects him anymore) and that he was just being cautious and keeping out of my way so that I didn't have a meltdown. What he doesn't realise is that the way he tiptoes around me and treats me like some crazy to be avoided is more likely to lead to a meltdown because, rightly or not, it makes me feel stupid and incompetent and broken and... well I could go on. If he just treated me with a bit more warmth, respect even, the whole thing would dissipate - because that's what we crazies need - acceptance and warmth from other people (and YES, I know I'm not crazy, I'm just making a point about how I perceive that he treats me).
Hmmm... respect. It's a big word with me, in this situation anyway. Outside of this house, people respect me just for what I do and it feels good. It's good for my ego and my self esteem. I respect ex for his talent and ability to see things that never even occur to me. But it's not mutual and it never has been. I've never felt respected by him - I even remember saying it once and I think that has contributed to how I feel about myself (that I'm never good enough for him) in this whole mess of a relationship.
Oh well, that's just the way it is. No point getting worked up about it now. I feel pretty good about myself, what I'm trying to do and how I'm handling things and I don't need his approval anymore. I want it, but I don't need it to continue doing what I'm doing or to feel good about myself - although I do think that deep, deep down, I will always have that little part of me that will always want him to say "I love you just for who you are". Another "oh well"... I don't need to go there. It's a pity (or not) that life's not like TV. On TV, our situation would work out beautifully and we'd all right our wrongs and live happily ever after. No, it's definitely not TV.
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We've begun packing in earnest now. With 18 days to go, there's been a few developments. Firstly... shortly after the almost meltdown, ex had suggested we take two overnight family trips (this was after our talk and I'd reassured him that I was indeed over it and wasn't about to meltdown). I must admit, I was a bit wary, but I agreed because I don't want to operate in 'fear' mode. The trips were to be to KL and Johor Baru. We were even going to let the kids off school. However, those plans have been a little thwarted because ex's sister (who is really nice) is coming to visit very soon. She lives in the US and we haven't seen her for about 4 years, so now we get to stay home and visit with her before we go. It should be good. We may still go to KL, but we'll see.
Well, that's it for now. That's my news, my thoughts, my whinges, my life. Time to get the kids ready for school and do some more packing because my mum is sitting at home waiting for me. :) (not really, but she said that's what it's like).
cheers
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