Conversations

It seems this week that every time I've gone to sit down and write something remotely interesting, something else has come up.

A few things have come up which has made me realise how far I've actually come, especially in terms of my relationship with ex. There was the Facebook conversation that took place on New Years Eve. We'd sat up late and he started talking. He must have been feeling comfortable because the topic was of a personal nature, involving the recent contact with an old girlfriend. She was the one before me and I remember her - her age, what she looked like (really very attractive) and though I don't know the details, I do know that long ago she hurt him badly. He told me he couldn't believe that I'd remembered her in such detail - I didn't think it was that unusual and found out later that no, it's not. Women remember details like that. She in fact, remembers the details of his girlfriend before her, so I'm normal. So anyway, she was telling him that she actually lives in Melbourne and has 2 kids by her Australian husband. She contacted him recently while the kids and I were in Melbourne and get this, asked him to come and see her. He declined. Then, she told him that she'd had a boob job and then, while he was out for dinner with his mum and his sister,proceeded to send him a photo of the 'work' - some people have no boundaries. He was telling me all of this and showed me the photo and it was all very friendly and as we were talking about it, I realised that I didn't give a shit. I was OK with it all. I was even thinking wouldn't it be good if he hooked up with her in Melbourne, then we could all move back!!!! Of course, I did ask him if she knew we were separated and he said he thought he'd mentioned it. He asked if it bothered me seeing the photo (and even apologised for making me uncomfortable) and I told him it honestly didn't bother me. If we were together then maybe it would have, but as we were now, no, it didn't. I found it amusing and was kind of glad that we were actually having a conversation about something other than me melting down, which is a rare thing nowadays.
In the days after that conversation, I was expecting it to float around in my head for a few days but it didn't and it definitely wasn't the cause for the almost meltdown I had a week and a half later. So I was pleased with myself.

Then came the conversation a few days ago. I'd gotten up even earlier than normal, at about 5.30am and he was just getting home from a big night out. He was still slightly intoxicated and ended up inviting me into his room for a chat. He never asks me if I want to talk, so I think it was the alcoholic influence taking over. We chatted about his night out and he was all warm and friendly. I do like him when he's a bit drunk, because he's not so uptight, he laughs and smiles more and is just more 'people friendly'. Anyhow, he was telling me about some of the things he's learned about people, which always has me pricking my ears up (because I'm dying to hear from him that he thinks I'm normal - baggage, I know, I know). Now he knows that you can't ask 'why' people do certain things because they don't always know. And you can't guess because you don't know where they're coming from and often a negative response from a person is about them - not about them wanting to hurt you. You don't know their story, so you can't judge their actions!! Welcome to the real world ex - I could have told you that years ago. If you ask why, you'll drive yourself nuts. I agree. Seems his life is teaching him a few lessons that he needs to learn, that he never would have learned if we'd stayed together.

Ex used to ask me why I acted the way I did and I spent hours and hours looking for answers and never came up with anything for him. I didn't know why. For instance, why does doing something a certain way seem logical to me, but not to him? How the fuck do I know? It is what it is. That's the kind of trivial things he'd be asking me about - of course there were the not so trivial things too, but that's in the past and I have no wish to go there.

So he's learning life's lessons and although he hasn't said specifically (he's alluded to certain things though), I think that while we were away, someone hurt him. It could have been her, the one he was visiting. I know I shouldn't speculate, but it's hard not to. I can look at it more objectively now, without all those awful feelings, so it's OK. I don't dwell on it and I hope for him that he's learned something. It's funny because I always thought that he knew about human nature, but now that I look back, he didn't. Now he knows a few more things and guess what? He's found out that I am not the only woman who reacts as emotionally as I do. I asked him "So you mean to tell me that I'm the only woman you know who reacts as emotionally as I do?" and he said "Not saying" - that's a "no, you're not" if ever I heard one. I almost jumped up from the chair I was sitting in and whooped it up around the room. See ex, I'm NOT the only one! Yee ha!

Then a bit later, as our little half hour was drawing to a close, he said the strangest thing of all. Of course, it was the alcohol talking, but he wanted to cuddle. He said wouldn't it be nice if we could but he didn't want it to mean anything, or change things between us. I said no, I couldn't, absolutely not, because I didn't want to mess with my head. The thing that surprised me was my own reaction - a year ago I would have been over the moon about something like that, seeing it as an opportunity to 'save our family' or some bullshit like that, but this time I was really level headed and laughed it off, politely refusing. And then I left.

I was quietly pleased with myself actually, because while I do crave attention, I want it from someone who actually likes me for me and doesn't just look at me as a person with 'issues' - ex often says "there are still issues, you still have issues" - of course I have, everyone does, you idiot - jesus, you have issues too, but do I go on about them, no I don't... maybe in time he'll learn.

This got me thinking about the differences between men and women. Specifically, the way men can have sex and it can be just physical, but it's harder for a woman to do that. I always, always thought that men and women were the same. But we're not. We think differently and prioritize differently. Women attach a lot of emotions to situations, men do not (as a general rule, trying not to stereotype too much here). Hence the 'cuddle conversation' - he could have cuddled me and thought nothing of it, but I'm not sure I could have done the same.

So now I'm reading "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" by John Gray and it's all there in black and white. Though I'm finding it a little condescending to both sexes, it explains why I think that way I do and why he always thought I was a problem to fix. It explains why I've found blogging to be so helpful (women like to talk about their problems and don't need a solution to feel better). Just sharing the problem, talking it out or writing it down is enough to help me feel better. When ex and I used to talk about the problems we were having, that was enough for me, but of course he was always pushing for a 'fix' (men like solutions and will go away to think about how they can fix things), which I didn't like. So, blah, blah blah, men and women ARE different. I hope ex learns more about that little issue, because it will help him understand me more. I'm more normal than he thinks.

And damn, that feels good.

Thankyou for reading my lovely friends. Time to go, even though I'm having a lovely time listening to my muzak and doing my woman thing, getting it all out of my head. As my schedule settles, I should be able to get some more writing in. Of course, I'll need to sit down and talk some more with ex so I have something to write about.

Cheers people.