Pain is unavoidable but suffering is optional.

There was a knock on my door this morning, after I'd come back from my walk with MIL. There's only one person who knocks on my door and that's ex. This'll be interesting, I thought. He caught me napping, I'm so tired it seems, in this hot, hot, hot weather (today it reached 44 here in lil ol Segamat).

He asked if I was OK this morning, whether I was feeling better. I said yes, knowing that he was referring to the crankiness of last night when he mentioned that the house was getting messy. I responded by getting up and tidying the damn place up and getting a bit shitty with the kids for leaving their stuff everywhere. He never comes to talk to me, only when he needs something but today he was seeing if I was OK. I remember that a few months ago he said that if I want to talk with him, I should come to him. I should, but I don't - I feel awkward , like I'm imposing on him.

So, we talked - well, he talked and I listened, nodded my head in agreement and tried not to "shut him down" with any of my comments. He spoke again of how he's learning to let things go, how he's now able to see things in a mess and instead of getting angry, he just cleans it up himself. I remember so clearly about 15 years ago, telling him that he was too controlling and that he should 'let go'. He eventually did, but in all that wrong ways and got depressed instead. He told me (again) that he's learning to be grateful for the little things in life - the fence he painted, the garden that he's looking after and how, after coming from such a low point, he appreciates what it takes to get these things done. Sure, it doesn't compare to what some people do, but if he compares himself now to what he was even 3 or 4 months ago, he knows he's come quite a way and he can appreciate that. He's finding out for himself, the things I've been through in the last 2 years.

He's finding out that even the simplest of tasks done on a regular basis can help your self esteem and make you feel good. He's understanding that you can't expect people (kids) to do things that you can't / won't do for yourself and that they have to see you doing it first. And finally, he understands that the joy and happiness in life is what makes it worth living. Finally he realises that it's OK to want happiness and joy in life and he's finding it within the little things. He's taking responsibility for his own happiness, instead of thinking that someone else should make him happy. The other side of this is that he's taking more responsibility for his own misery too - his current favourite saying is "pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional". There will be pain, but if you relive it over and over again in your mind, well, that's your own stupid fault. He wants to pass on his new insights to the kids, when appropriate of course.

I'm glad he's seeing these things. I know what he's talking about and I'm happy to just listen to him go on about the things he's discovered. For the first time ever today, I heard him say "I've got lots of issues" - really ex? Don't we all? I'm glad he's realised that he has them too because for so long, all we ever talked about were my issues. So now we mostly talk about him and his issues. He's learning to let go and be happy and for that I'm grateful.

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Tonight I went for supper with friends, who met up with some other friends. Even though I could barely understand a word of what was going on (because they didn't speak much English), it was nice to be in the company of happy people who were laughing and enjoying each others company.

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Today was damn hot. 44 degrees according to the temp sensor on my friends car. So hot, it seemed like the air conditioners were broken as they sturggled to bring the temperature down in the house. We still did what we normally do - kids at school, me teaching and cooking dinner, but damn it was hot. Probably better that we didn't know what the temp was - just something else to complain about. Son came home with a headache. Tomorrow they have another day off school - it's the Prophet's birthday (don't know who that is) so we can rest and try to keep cool. We'll go somewhere cool for lunch and play games in my room with the air con on.

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Time for bed. Air con is at full power and I'm tired. Shout out to my mum who has been sick with complications from food poisoning last week. I'll call her tomorrow morning and see how she is. I will come home for a while if she doesn't get better soon. Love you mum.