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I AM coming home, though I was only able to confirm it yesterday 5 pm. That's when my credit card authorisation went through to the ticket office. After trying to send it all day via email and calling the office on and off to see if they'd recieved it, it finally went through. It always happens that way. You think something should be easy to do and end up having to jump through hoops to do it. Book a ticket online - easy (NOT) - it took me a whole day to do something that should have taken 20 minutes.

No matter, it's done. I have my ticket and leave on Sunday, arriving in Melbourne at the ungodly hour of 2am. I feel a bit guilty going, but I spoke to mum the other day and I want to see her, talk to her and tell her that this will pass.

The conversation with ex about going went better than I expected, but not as good as I'd hoped. There was his usual - you have to look at why you're going because you know what you're like... But then there was - I know what I say won't make a difference, that you're going anyway. There were no compelling reasons for me to not go, so he was right in that sense - I'm going anyway. But I'm going because I think it's the right thing to do - I'd spoken to a few people about it and they agree - and would certainly do the same - that I should go see Mum for a while. The kids are busy with school and homework, I've managed to put a hold on all my classes without too much trouble and I'll be back in two weeks.

So it's sorted. But something's not quite right. I can sense his tension like it was my own. He's angry or troubled by something and I don't know what it is. I never know. And when he does tell me, I never understand why he is so angry. It never seems like a big deal to me, but it is to him. I guess I have to accept that. Like the other day, I came to him and asked him to do the dishes tonight. I never like asking him to do things, either because I'm too proud or I'm scared of the reaction I assume (not always correctly) I'll get. I went to him and said "Ex, could you do the dishes tonight because my hands are cracked and sore." I said it in a normal voice, or so I thought. It was a simple request, or so I thought. I thought wrong, and I didn't even know it until later, when I sensed his anger.

He was angry because I'd said "... because my hands are cracked..." and took it to mean that because he'd missed doing the dishes, I'd had to sacrifice myself and do them and as a result my allergy had flared up... so my cracked hands were his fault. I'd put it on him. I'd blamed him, like I had so many countless times before when I blamed all our problems on him being too fussy or pedantic or whatever else we said in those days. He was so angry, I had to insist that that wasn't what I meant at all and please, it was just a request. I told him that if I thought saying that would lead to this kind of feeling, did he really think I would do that - would I jeopardise the fragile peace that we've built for ourselves over such a stupid thing? I wouldn't. He insisted that whether I meant it or not, that's how it came out - in whiny, victim voice "Oh, ex, could you do the dishes, my hands are cracked..." At that point I lost it. I shouted at him (which is something I really try to avoid) and told him that I couldn't talk about it anymore and that he was being unfair - and I stormed out -and of course immediately regretted it, especially since the kids were right there.

I feel like he does that so often - makes what I say or do into me doing something to him. Like if I take a long time putting the kids to bed, it (used to be) would be taken as me trying to avoid him. Or when I left for that long stay in 07, it was taken as abandoning our family rather than as what it really was (saving my sanity). And the thing is, he doesn't see himself as doing it and it's totally justified.

Sometimes I wonder if what I see and think is actually what is real. It's my reality, that's for sure, but I don't think it's his. It's like we're from different planets and neither can really understand what it's like for the other one. At all. Sad really, when so many years ago, we only had eyes for each other.

Of course, my mind always wonders why he can't be like I want him to be - if only this or if only that, what am I doing wrong, why aren't I good enough... the list goes on. But it's the same for him isn't it? If only I was the way he liked people to be, if only I was more logical, less emotional, more in control... rah, rah, rah. I'm still sad that we're not going to be together any more, but that's life isn't it. People change and grow, or don't, and are not suited to be together anymore. Just the way it is.

Night people. See some of you next week.